Scarleteen

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become expected to know what I want with my future.

Honestly, I’ve never thought about it until about 6 months ago. For a very long time, I thought I wouldn’t live to be an adult. Now I’m on the cusp.

I want many things with my future; with myself. Exposing myself, mostly online, to other queer people has made me realize that I’m allowed to want a life for myself. But I don’t know what path to take-which isn’t really the point. Or maybe it is?

What I want as a career isn’t really why I’m posting—I think I’ll end up doing something creative. It’s more like what I’d like as a hobby. That is, if modeling and making clothes and costumes can be a hobby. Recently, I’ve become fascinated by lingerie, and by the few men who model it. I wonder if I could model it, but then dysphoria and my own mental health get worse. I tell myself I should stick to designing sexy clothes instead of wearing them, but am I even good for that?

I’m envious of and attracted to men. Men of all kinds: feminine and masculine and in between. I simultaneously want to be like them and want them physically, you know?

Even after getting better, I still can’t help but feel like there are certain things I don’t get to have. Things I don’t deserve. Like wearing sexy clothes. Lingerie and garters and straps and latex and (ropes?). Like having sex. Or love. Or taking up space and being flamboyant.

I’m an introvert, so maybe such dreams just aren’t for my personality.

But, oh, do I want. I want so much out of life.
It hurts, most days.

I don't see any reason why you don't get to have these dreams, nor any reason you can't later make them a reality if you want.
You absolutely deserve your dreams and to pursue any of them you want to pursue.

Why worry about what you can and can't have later? It just seems to me you're adding extra stress when you're already feeling scared and stressed out. You get to dream as expansively as you want, and when and if the time comes for you to consider any action with those dreams, you get to consider it then. I don't see why you'd cut yourself off from your dreams before you even get there, you know? <3

I know my anxieties are a waste of my time and energy. I just can’t, well, I’m impatient, you know?

I'm sorry, I'm not sure what you mean by this. Maybe you can tell us what kind of help and support from us you're looking for with this post?