Now going to that trauma thing. Around last year I DMed a girl I knew since she like to drop by in my friend group on lunch break. We hit it off really great on the first impression and she is genuinely nice (for me personally) and I might have developed a really slight crush (this is like my first crush so my brain is not processing correctly and I might fuck up sometimes). We became very close to each other and started giving gifts to each other like she making a custom made key chain and plushes for me which is really nice and I also started giving gifts to her back as compliment. After a while I feel like she has started ignoring me and thing weren't the same anymore, so I ask her why it starting to get worse even if she told me she like me as a friend a lot. She replied with something like "I give people the impression that I like them as a friend which may be true or not" which pissed me off. After a few months, I discovered that she had a crush on someone else and connecting the dots together make me feel I don't wanna be in this friendship anymore since it kinda going toxic and I DMed her that we're done and gave her one hour before I block her. She instead asked one of her friend to DM me pretty much a "fuck you" into my face and I blocked them both.
After that I kinda just live my own life like normal now but after like 6 months she came back and told me to shut up about her bf (her crush mentioned above) or she will ruin my reputation to girls in her class. I kinda stay quiet for a few months but I craved in and posted a blog post on my website detailing the whole thing as a last thing I do with the whole ordeal.
She did saw it, after all every thing is logged and a spike in views from instagram that like a obvious sign she saw it. Right after that she sent her BF to talk to me about it irl, I infact didn't do anything since the post is my last interaction and stayed silent.
BUT WAIT there more! ugh. She seems to be trying to come into my friend group when she clearly knew I'm in there. (this is a different group from the beginning since that was also going toxic) I'm not dealing with her again so I told the group to get her out or else I'll leave since I can't deal with her anymore. I just have to wait on this one.
This quote really summed it up for me.
There also another group that spread misinformation about me crushing on a girl when I'm not but that not important enough to explain.A friendship built on lies is like building a house on sand, no matter how much you try to hold it together, it crumbles. Fake promises and false hopes swirl around me like a storm I can’t escape, yet I stay silent. I keep everything to myself, letting it fester. Sometimes, it’s almost a cruel kind of entertainment to look into your eyes when you’re lying. I see it so clearly. You think you’re painting a masterpiece, but all I see are the cracks in your facade. Do you really believe I don’t know?
It hurts, god, it hurts. Every lie cuts deeper, like tiny paper cuts you don’t even notice until they sting. You think you’re sparing me, but are you really sparing me, or is it just easier for you? Are these lies for my sake, or are they your way of brushing off guilt, of avoiding the weight of accountability? You’re not protecting me, you’re building a web of falsehoods to protect yourself.
You lie to keep me in your life, to hide who you really are. But the truth is, I’d rather see the real you, even if it means learning I don’t matter as much as I thought. At least then I’d know. At least then I could move on, like a bird released from a cage it didn’t even realize it was trapped in. But no, instead you’ve kept me in this illusion, dangling me by threads of deceit, selfishly hoping I won’t see the truth and leave.
Your lies aren’t white lies, they’re shadows in the corners of a room. They creep, they linger, and they grow darker with every unspoken truth. You think logic can sweep them away, but emotions aren’t something you can reason through. Your excuses are just smoke and mirrors, and I’m done being the fool staring into the haze, hoping to see something real.
You could have been honest, you could have let me go, but instead, you’ve chosen to hold on with false promises, like gripping sand and wondering why it slips through your fingers. It’s not okay. I’m not just a name on your list of friends, I’m someone with feelings, someone who deserves honesty.
I hope one day you realize that keeping someone through lies isn’t love or friendship, it’s selfishness, and selfishness destroys everything it touches.
After that whole ordeal I kinda discovered that
- Girls are not dangerous like I'd think in the past.
- There girls out there that will like you and take care of you.
- There also bad girls and good girls.
and my entire personality changed and I fully shifted to talking with girls since a lot of the boys I know are annoying as hell. Which is probably a plus. but it also gave me some sort of emotional detachment like personality, whereby if I feel like the girl I'm trying to be friend with is just not compatible with me, I'll just block them for the sake my insanity for the trauma that the toxic girl gave me and that have affected me finding girls to possibly date or even crush on.
After that trauma, I haven't had feelings for anyone since then. My friend group is also no help since everyone is either aroace, lesbian, or just not my type. And now I'm kinda stuck her e not knowing what to do now. It's kinda painful that the person you liked the most is also the person you hate the most at the same time. Kinda sad y'know.