Scarleteen

Im not sure whether i have a porn addiction or not, but iv wanted to try masturbaiting or atleast having sex without porn. Currently when i have sex i have to watch porn with my partner. So how do i do so.

Hi, Shreklover.

You might get pleasure from watching porn and it makes you want to watch it often, and/or has become part of your ritual when it comes to sex (partnered or solo), but that's not the same as an addiction. The good news is, this means you won't have withdrawals or any of the awful things that come with quitting or cutting back on an actual addiction.

That said...can you share a bit more about what you mean when you say you can't have sex without porn - what happens if you try to?

Whenever i try im unable to keep being horny. My libido is very irregular and sustaining being horny is even harder

Hi there, Shreklover!

We can try to figure out why it is difficult to sustain arousal, and find ways that might make it easier. I have a few more questions:

• Think about the activities/dynamics/focus you enjoy when you watch pornography. Does the sex you have without porn contain the same elements? Or is it different, in certain ways?

• Have you noticed anything that seems to reduce arousal for you?

• How do you feel about your partner? Do you think you are attracted to them, and compatible sexually?

• Can you identify any emotions or thoughts that come to mind as you start to feel less aroused?

1. No it typically doesn't my fetishes are extreme and not shared
2.stress which happens pretty often it kills my ability to focus
3. No not at all we don't have sex often
I would like to focus more on masturbaition
4. Worry extreme worry and anxiety
More on 4: by horny i mean i can get sexually but not stay sexually aroused.
I was masturbait but not enjoy it mentally

Hi Shreklover! Thanks for answering Latha's questions, it helps us with providing support for you

It sounds like stress is one of the defining factors that's made it difficult for you to masturbate or have partnered sex. Could you identify which areas of your life that's causing you the most stress lately? It could be things that are closer to you--like your family, friends, work, school, home, and the weather--but it could also be something bigger and less in your control, like the current state of the world. Once you've made a note on that, what are your strategies so far to cope or deal with those sources of stress? Do you have non-sexual activities you do to relieve yourself from stress? Being aware of this can help us let you know how you can masturbate more mindfully.

Additionally, have you checked out this article on how to masturbate with curiosity? I think it can answer your questions, too: Take a Self-Love Road Trip: Let Curiosity Guide Your Masturbation

The two kinks iv recently been into and been wanting to try and have the money to try are petplay and bondage however my partner/boyfriend and i are polyamorous but hes not into this kink so how do try this on my own. https://boards.scarleteen.com/viewtopic ... 183#p85183

Hmm my other issue with masturbait ing is my hugest kink is roleplay and its a huge trigger but not doable by masturbaition

Hi Shreklover !

Have you had a chance to read through that article char sent? A big part of masturbation as well as sexual interest is fantasy. Often folks have sexual fantasies they enjoy that they may not want or have the opportunity to create. I saw your other post and think fantasy could be a good way to approach everything you've mentioned.

We have another article that I think would be helpful to you as well -- How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own Terms

That would be nice to try i read both and think its great advice but would appreciate some advice on doing it in real life or at the very least trying iv kinda taken some of the advice in the article which is why im trying out new and available things. But masturbaition and fantasizing is definitely something i will start with

Fantasy can guide your sex life too! You mentioned how there is some disconnect in interest between you and your partner. Playing with fantasy here can help you focus on your pleasure as well as your partners.

As a young person, lots of spaces created around sex/specific sexual desires are not open to you (which is good for your own safety!). There is another advice article that goes over this and may be helpful to you as well -- How can I learn about kink as a minor?. I bring this up because there are limitations to what 'real life' can look like. What sorta advice are you most looking for? I think specifics may help us figure out what would help you best.

I think iv got it all figured out I'll come back if i still have questions

I tried last night and i think stress and over thinking are a defining feature. It felt good when the lights were off because i havent transition led from female to male(im pangender)?

So the question is my vagina isnt sensitive outside the bottom of it and my cilt. Is there a way to fix that. My interior has no pleasure, while I know its not very common for females to orgasm from penetration its not common to not feel anything.

hey there,
Can you clarify whether you don't feel anything internally at all, or if it just doesn't feel good?
I would actually argue the opposite (so long as you are having some sensation, and not literally feeling numbness). We get so many folks in here who try masturbation with fingers inside their vaginas and are concerned about it not feeling like anything special. I mean, so, so many. I recommend you read I didn't feel a thing with fingering: is there something wrong with me?, The Great No-Orgasm-From-Intercourse Conundrum, and With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body.

Im gonna be honest i continuously want sex yet struggle with it iv been taken off my ssri antidepressants and put on another type but this has been going on for longer. It causes me great distress im unable to relax when it comes to anything I'll try the book come as you are. Im worried that even on the new meds this still won't work, combined with the stress of being trans having any type of pleasure is hard even when i want to or feel horny. Poor me!
And then my servity of medical issues limits me to do basic things this is definitely more than anyone can handle i probably need a sex therapist but struggle with finding one.

So thats probably the main source of my issues sorry for wasting your time i just thought i had hope

Hi Shreklover, just gonna jump back in here. I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with some medical issues that are making this harder. You mentioned roleplay is triggering for you, do you want to talk about that? A trigger is something that happens to people who have experienced severe trauma around something. If that's at play here, it could be relevant to why this is difficult for you.

Come As You Are is a great book, and I hope you get a lot of value from it. I think something important to keep in mind on this journey is that if something feels good, there's no need to change it. If it isn't causing you pain, and is bringing you pleasure, there's not really a need to change that. You mention insertion (the term 'penetration' implies the vagina is a passive player and can sound aggressive, so we stay away from it here) doesn't bring you pleasure, while clitoral play does. Is there a reason you can't just stick to that, then? I'm trying to understand the pushback against that, as well as against sexual media.

Indeed, the inability to relax is going to make sex (solo or partnered) more difficult to enjoy. That's because our primary sex organ is actually our brain. Pleasure, as well as orgasms, start in our brain and if you're worried, stressed, etc... it's just less likely you'll experience pleasure. This isn't your fault or anything you're doing wrong, but hopefully it can be a nudge in the right direction. Figuring out how to relax and feel safe when it comes to sex will make a big difference. You haven't wasted our time and there is hope. Most of what you've described so far is a pretty common experience for a lot of folks, especially people with a vulva. So whether you want to keep trying to find what works for you, or take a break from sex to focus on your mental health, I do think there is hope you can figure it out.