Scarleteen

Hello all!! I have recently found myself in a predicament that I would like some advice on.

I recently had a threesome, it was great! One of the participants (let’s say Caroline) then went and slept with another person (a friend, we’ll call them Logan)which myself and the other are okay with, but she didn’t Logan that she had recently slept with us. She kept the threesome to herself as she wasn’t comfortable sharing with them for fear of it being spread. When Logan found out, they got very upset, and said that they had not been able to give their informed consent.

My question is, is Logan right? I understand I have a bias in this situation, but from my understanding, all Logan would have had the right to know is if Caroline had any infections that might put Logan at risk. It is not Logan’s business who or when Caroline slept with someone.

Another question: Logan is now telling multiple people about our threesome, using our names, so now not only is Caroline’s fear being realized, but myself and our other partner’s sex life is being put on public display! What should we do?

If I’m wrong about the consent question, please let me know!! And any advice on how to navigate the publicizing of our personal sex lives is appreciated. Thank you in advance!

Hey there lostandcurious, and welcome to the boards. I’m glad you’ve found us here

I’m glad to hear the threesome went well, but I’m sorry to hear Logan is complicating things afterward. This sounds like a shitty thing for them to do to Caroline, you, and the other partner.

Assuming nobody involved in this situation is in a relationship where being sexual with other people is not okay, the only thing that is truly relevant to Logan is Caroline’s STI status and any recent instances of unprotected sex Caroline might’ve had since she was last tested. She doesn’t have to tell anybody who she’s had sex with, but she (and everyone involved) should disclose if she’s had unprotected sex since she’s last been tested. Informed consent doesn’t mean you know the names of people your partner slept with— it means you’re fully aware of the risks you’re taking on with STI’s and pregnancy.

Logan’s behavior here is concerning. It’s totally not okay to spread private information about someone’s sex life, and I am so sorry to hear that they’re choosing to do this. How does Caroline feel about it, and has anyone spoken to Logan about them doing this?

Hello KierC, thank you for your reply!

No one was cheating or anything, myself and the third partner (we will call him Hunter) are in an open relationship and up until our night with Caroline, had only slept with eachother in the last few years. Both Caroline and I had been tested roughly a month before we slept together, and both came out clean. Hunter had not been tested, but as I was clean, I have no doubts in my mind that he is too. Our night was unprotected, but once again, we had been clean! We will however ensure we get tested before seeing any new partners going forward, Hunter included.

Caroline is deeply uncomfortable with this information being shared (as are we). The reason she didn’t tell Logan in the first place (when asked as a friend, before the possibility of sex was on the table between them) is because she knew they would tell people and that was something she isn’t comfortable with. Both Hunter and Caroline have called Logan out on their behaviour, but they seem to see it as okay since they’re upset they weren’t privy to our threesome before sleeping together.

I understand I have biases in this so I also want to lay this out on the table for full clarity: Caroline and Logan were both drunk when they slept together. Until the topic of the threesome came up, they both claimed it was fully consensual regardless. Logan had also had feelings for Caroline (they dated once about 4 years ago) but had since claimed that they no longer felt that way. Caroline and Logan were still close friends regardless.

I understand this is messy and we all have lessons to learn, I think I’m mostly looking for clarity that we are not evil people who did anything malicious, and for any advice for the future or next steps going forward.

Thank you!

Hi there, hope it's okay that I jump in. I want to point out that the term "clean" when referring to someone being STI-negative is problematic as if implies someone who is STI-positive is "dirty". Saying someone is clean promotes the idea that people with STIs are disgusting in some way, which unfortunately leads to people getting tested less, lying about their status, and feeling shame if they are STI-positive. The truth is a lot of STIs are asymptomatic, and people can still be hygienic and healthy while having an STI. I know you didn't mean that, but wording matters, so I wanted to just let you know so moving forward you can use better terms that don't further stigmatize STIs. <3

To answer your question, no, you're absolutely not evil people. Whether you did something malicious I can't answer, since I'm not in your head, but from what you're describing it doesn't seem that way at all. There's nothing wrong with having sexual experiences like this, especially since you were all upfront about STI status and risks. As long as everyone consents and is transparent, you're adults and can do whatever you want with your sex life.

As far as what to do going forward, there isn't much more you can do than what you did. We can't really control what other people do or say, we can only control how we react to it. You could have a conversation with Logan and ask him to stop telling people about this since it's your personal and private business, but since both Hunter and Caroline already talked to him, there isn't much more to do. This is one of the many risks we take when having sex with someone - they might tell a trusted person who might tell someone else and so on. It's not okay to do that, but unfortunately, some people do, especially at younger ages when sex is still seen as a big deal. It can feel violating to have your private sex life shared with strangers. I hope Logan is able to realize that they're in the wrong here soon and you're able to find some peace in knowing you didn't do anything wrong. <3

Hello Sofi,

Thank you for letting me know about what terms to use regarding STIs, I will make sure to only use positive and negative going forward!

As for the rest, I do agree. I feel we’re just at a point where we need to ride this out. We’ve all blocked Logan so hopefully that’ll be the last we hear from him. Thank you for your advice, and for confirming we are in fact not evil people haha!