Scarleteen

you see, my mom isn't all that much sex positive. i do not know how to ask her for a vibrator or even talk to her about it in a way she'll find appropiate

i thought about just explaining it would be healthy for me, but the more i think about it, i just think she'll get me in trouble just for asking. i'm wondering if i should just ask anyways, but the more important question is how exactly can i ask her for one?

things about my mom:
-she understands i have a high sex drive, but she doesn't give me privacy (i can't lock my door even when i want to masturbate)
-even though she doesn't really give me all that much privacy, i am slowly gaining more privacy as i get older
-i am pretty sure she would be upset if i did have a vibrator, but i dont think she would make me throw it away
-she is pretty unpredictable when it comes to this stuff, as i do not regularly talk to her about my sexual health (which if it's a good idea, i'll try to)

how exactly can i somehow convince her that a vibrator is a good idea? what are the steps i can take? (first time posting here, and i definitely will have more questions but this is my only question for now )

Hey apureprincess, welcome to the boards. Glad you're here!

It sounds like your mother has been open towards discussing some parts of your sexuality, but have not given you more space for privacy, which hasn't been the greatest for you. Have you been able to share with her how you feel about the lack of privacy? If you have, how was her reaction? I am asking this because I think it's related to how likely will she allow you to get a vibrator; if her response wasn't the most pleasant, asking for a vibrator could be challenging. I also wonder if her understanding of your higher sexual desire comes from her own observation or something you've told her.

As for the vibrator itself, in the meantime, I think it would be helpful to look up online which one(s) would be the best fit for you, and make a short list. That way, if your mom asked you what kind of vibrator you need, you'd have an answer ready. Have you done that? DIY vibrators can also be an option for you. We have these articles about vibrators and DIY sex toys you can check out:
- Our "How to Play with Toys" series
- D.I.Y Sex Toys: Self-Love Edition

i did ask her about my privacy, but her answer is pretty much the same. she does not know i want to lock my doors because i want to masturbate. i'll try to bring it up with her again on why exactly i want more privacy. her understanding of my high sex drive comes from her own observation as we had some incidents (her catching me talking sexually with some past boyfriends when i was in middle school.)

i have looked for vibrators and im pretty sure i found the one i want. i will try DIY vibrators if asking her does not work. i will try to talk to her more about sex to get her more open about this.

Thanks for providing more context. I'm sorry to hear that your mother doesn't grant you privacy—you deserve to have time and space for yourself. Not just so you have the opportunity to learn about your own body, but also to relax on your own and reflect on your interests and beliefs.

Do you need some help in forming the words you wanted to say to your mother about this?

i think i might, as i just really need to know how exactly can i approach her about this topic. i never really talk to her about this stuff and i think that would be the first step into making her realize that i have desires and that its okay to have them.

Hey there, apureprincess.

Personally, I generally don't think that it's the best thing to ask a parent to get you a sex toy for yourself. Sexual boundaries in families, including between parents and their teen children, are really important, and getting a sex toy for someone else is generally something we do for sexual partners. A parent getting a sex toy also can create some weird vibes around care for it and such: I think it's safe to say no one wants to argue with their parents about what kind of sex toy they can have. On top of that, it's questionably legal, given that adults aren't supposed to sell or give sex toys to minors inmost of the United States, so that can make things feel extra precarious for the adult involved.

Instead, I generally suggest asking for something like a gift card to somewhere where you can buy the vibrator. You can get good vibrators like Magic Wands outside of sex stores these days -- like at big box stores or online -- so it's pretty easy to get cards that can be used for this purpose. That way, you can pick out what you want for yourself, and you and your mother both can have a level of privacy around this you'll probably both be more comfortable with.

That said, I do think that asking a parent for more privacy as you're growing is always sound, and that certainly includes when it's for masturbation. Since it sounds like your Mom isn't someone particularly comfortable with the subject of sex, how do you think it might go if you just told her for now that as you're getting older, you want more privacy when it comes to your body, and that includes in your bedroom?

I do also want to offer a little extra sex ed while you're here: there's actually no such thing as a "drive" for sex in human beings. Instead, we have sexual desire, and by all means, some of us -- be it during some phases of life, or even for the whole of a life -- tend to feel desire more acutely, more frequently, or both, than other people, while others fall on the lower end of the spectrum. But it's also been pretty clear to me over the almost 30 years I've been working as a sex educator that a lot of young people consider levels or frequency of sexual desire that are perfectly common "high" when they aren't, and that misunderstanding makes some people feel like something is weird about them when it isn't. <3