Scarleteen

I assume you get a lot of posts like these, but I'm experiencing the same situation and if anything I just want to vent out my frustration (but help is also appreciated).

I'm just about to go into my final year at uni and I want to sexually experiment but I've been struggling to find people to have sex with. My uni city is pretty small and close-knit so it feels like there's not as many people to mix with and I just seem to be unlucky - in my first year I found someone I wanted to have sex with who was interested in me back, but we ended up dating instead and took sex slowly (I later found out they were ace) and broke up before anything really happened, and this year I've kept finding people I'm interested in who are unavailable for whatever reason. I'm theoretically interested in having sex with my friends, who are very chill about platonic sex and affection (I have a few friends I sometimes make out with but none of them are interested in sex) but so far all of the friends I've been interested have been either asexual or in a relationship (two of my friends are dating, and I would be interested in sex with either individually but not a threesome, but they have said they would only have sex with me if it was a threesome, which is really frustrating).

I feel like I always hear about my (cis/het) friends meeting people at clubs, which I want to try more this coming year, but it doesn't really feel like a solution - I love dancing (and drinking) but my friends and I never usually go out on club nights because of how busy/high energy it is, and that it's expensive and we don't always feel very comfortable as trans folks. There's a gay club near the city I'm living in over summer which I might end up going to with my cishet friends, but I really wish I had some other queer friends to go with so I could meet people as part of a group rather than just going up to strangers, and I'm living in my parents' house at the moment so I couldn't bring someone home.

I'm running some socials next year which might be a way for me to meet someone, but I kind of worry that there will be a weird power dynamic as the people I meet will probably be new first years. I want to get involved with some new groups as well and hopefully mix with a lot of new people, and I might get lucky that way, but I do wish I could experience the cishet experience of just sexually messing around with a lot of people in uni. To some extent I guess it seems like I've gotten that - I've been kind of involved with a few different people, but it's never really gone anywhere. I feel like I keep getting close to what I want but it never works out. I'm really glad I have friends who I can just casually, platonically make out with, but it also feels kind of restrictive because it never goes further than just kissing. Theoretically I guess I could try dating apps, but I find the idea of, like, marketing myself? really uncomfortable.

I think the odds of me finding someone to be sexually involved with in some way next year are pretty good, and I've definitely gotten better about raising it with people and being open about what I am interested in. I've just been really frustrated because I feel like I've been doing everything I can and it's still not happening. I think mostly this post was just to get out my frustrations but if anyone has any advice go ahead.

Hi Periphery

I'm sorry to hear that you are not having luck finding people to have sex with, even though you've been putting yourself out there and trying to make it happen. It makes sense that you would appreciate getting to make out with your friends, but still feel unsatisfied and frustrated because that isn't all of what you want.

It is great that you are being proactive about creating opportunities for sex in your life, but I hope you know that there isn't a time limit on your ability to have sexual relationships--you will be able to do this after university as well.

Could you tell us more about your discomfort with dating apps? When you think of marketing yourself on them, what comes to mind? I'm wondering if we can think of a way to minimize the uncomfortable parts.

I'm running some socials next year which might be a way for me to meet someone, but I kind of worry that there will be a weird power dynamic as the people I meet will probably be new first years. I want to get involved with some new groups as well and hopefully mix with a lot of new people, and I might get lucky that way, but I do wish I could experience the cishet experience of just sexually messing around with a lot of people in uni.

I also wanted to just pitch in and say that I don't think there is necessarily a weird power dynamic between adults with a three year age difference. I know that because university isn't new to you but it is to them it might seem like there must be, but honestly, I think that's all still a pretty minor difference.

I also wanted to add that anyone, including cishet people, having an easy time of sex and finding partners when it comes to college, is something that also seems more unusual these days than in the past. In the past, I'd say it really didn't matter what your gender or orientation, it was a lot easier to forge those kinds of connections at school. Based on everything I see from the people who come to us, that has changed for most people, though I do think a lot of that is just everyone involved waiting for someone else to take the first step, or people approaching one or two people without a match and then throwing in the towel. That seems like a problem you don't have, so I really would just figure it's simply taking longer than it used to. <3