I'm not the most eloquent with my words, so please give me some grace, haha!
I am AFAB, and I am very happy when it comes to identifying as a woman. However, something I've yearned for is masculinity. I remember at summer camp, when I was 10 years old, there was a teenage boy who played dodgeball with good sportsmanship and would always be kind if he got anyone out; little Andy was mesmerized by this kindness. When I was thirteen, I grew an appreciation for the gentlemanly behaviour my uncles and grandfathers had, especially when they would hold the door for me. Even now, I seem to always look at my male classmates and peers around me. One guy in my Music class would let his friends rest on his shoulder when they were drained from the day. Another guy in my English class spoke confidently, without fear of judgement and was open to further discussion (he was an odd case because he was quite rude at times, but everyone has their positives and faults, but I digress).
Now, as much as I write about masculinity, I am not attracted to men at all. My thoughts are focused on the different beautiful women in the world. I also understand that many of the traits that these guys present in my life are also present in the women I know. I have so many strong, kind, and confident women in my life who could spin the world on their pinkies.
This brings me to my main question. Why am I so focused on the male/masculine counterparts when I have women in my life who do the same thing? I've noticed changes when it comes to my own character, the way I dress, and the way I speak; it's as if I'm trying to mimic this "gentlemanly" or "masculine" behaviour and style. I just want to be a gentleman. I want to give kindness and make sure that other people are taken care of. I want to make sure I hold the door for others and show good sportsmanship. I want to be confident and have discussions without the fear of my opinion being "too much" because I know who I am and what I believe in.
My second question is: how can I be more confident in this masculinity while feeling confident in my gender and connection to women? As I stated at the start, I am very happy I can identify as a woman, and be a woman who gets to love other women platonically, romantically, and sexually. However, this yearning or focus that I have on masculinity feels like I'm going against my love for women. Especially with the "provider" mindset I have. I don't want to force anyone to be less independent just because I want to be more "masculine!" I don't want to come across as traditionalist or have my actions deemed as if women are weak or fragile! This is a dilemma I'm facing because it feels like I'm going against my own want of empowering women and wanting to be a "gentleman."
Is it alright for these two parts of me to intersect? They're aspects of myself I'm still working on and trying to figure out (especially with wanting to present as more masculine, but that's another board thread to start).
I hope these thoughts haven't been too convoluted. It's just something I've been pondering about, especially when it comes to my orientation and the expression of myself. Lot's of hugs, and I'd love to hear another perspective on this!
Cheers,
Andy