Scarleteen

Hi, I'm Andy, and I've got a question in relation to relationships!

To keep a very long story short, I've struggled with communication for some time. I've tended to hold everything in, which has led to very unpleasant scenarios. However, after finding a good therapist, practicing open communication with my parents, and learning to be more honest with my feelings, I'd say it's starting to become easier in my life.

However, there are some conversations that I still feel awkward discussing with my parents. Especially when it comes to my Queer identity. They're getting better at saying the right things and being more mindful when discussing Queer topics. However, one aspect that I find difficult to bring up is wanting/getting a girlfriend.

We've talked about relationships in the past, but it usually ended up with, "It doesn't matter if you get a boyfriend, girlfriend, or a partner, just focus on that later." My main question is: How can I bring up wanting to be in a Queer relationship right now?

They're expecting me to wait until university, or until I get a job, but that doesn't seem realistic at all, especially since I'm meeting more people part of the LGBTQ+ community and getting crushes like any other teenager! I'm not scared about them reacting negatively, but I was just wondering, how do I approach this topic with them?

I just want the option of being in a relationship, even while I'm still in highschool be on the table, and not something I have to wait for. I understand where they're coming from, but it's still frustrating because I want to casually talk about these topics with them without it being scary or embarrassing.

Let me know if there are any resources on here, because I might have missed them. Lots of hugs, and I'd love to hear another perspective on this!

Cheers,

Andy

Hi Andy!

Oh, I’m really glad to hear you’ve found a therapist who you like and who you can work on communication with. It sounds like you’ve been working on open communication with your parents too, and you’re wondering how you can talk to them about having a queer relationship now. To understand a bit better first, are you looking to talk with your parents about this because you’ve found someone you’re interested in? Or is this more wanting to talk to them to open them up to the idea, or to open *you* up to the idea, etc.?

Either way, I think one way to approach this is to think of strategies you’ve learned in therapy about open communication and see if you can apply it here. Are there certain strategies you’ve learned in therapy that you’ve been finding helpful?

Hello!

Or is this more wanting to talk to them to open them up to the idea, or to open *you* up to the idea, etc.?

This exactly! I'm not in any relationships right now, but I am interested in getting into one, especially since I'll be meeting more people next year and potentially getting introduced to a friend of a friend as well! I just want my parents to know about this, and *me* being more interested in dating. I just want them to be involved, y'know?

I've implemented strategies such as taking time out of my day to just have one-on-one conversations with them. Also, bringing up other topics related to Queer happenings, like going to my school's GSA or putting a rainbow pin on my bag. This has helped start a conversation so we can get deeper into these topics.

One of my parent is more open to these conversations, but is the one who tells me to focus on other things. My other parent is still working on understanding my Queer identity, and it's a bit more awkward talking with them.

Due to this awkwardness, I just want some ideas on how to start the conversation (similar to how I started them before). I don't have anything right now, so I'd love another perspective! I hope that clears some stuff up!

Hi Andy!

Thanks for sharing more context on how you are feeling. Like Kier said, I'm happy you've found techniques to better communicate with your parents!

I think, regardless off sexuality, teens can find it uncomfortable to talk with their parents about things like relationships or sex. You've already taken so many steps and I'm confident you can continue to push through. I do want to ask if you feel the need to get 'permission' or 'approval' from them to date or even to consider a romantic relationship?

A good way to begin healthy communication is to focus on how you are feeling with 'I-statements'. Instead of telling your parents that they don't get it, it may be helpful to say you've been feeling a need to continue talking about relationships with them. It sounds like the conversation can start causal as you do not have a partner or relationship to introduce them to. You may want to try putting less stress on a single conversation and instead focus on building a better relationship with your parents in order to build up that communication.

How does all that sound?

Hello!

I do want to ask if you feel the need to get 'permission' or 'approval' from them to date or even to consider a romantic relationship?

Yes, since my parents have said on many occasions how I should wait until "insert time far, far away," when considering relationships. I feel like I'd be going behind my parents' backs. This doesn't worry me because I feel like my parents will get mad. This worries me because I don't want to hide that aspect of my life from them anymore. I struggled a lot with hiding my Queer identity from them, especially since it wasn't safe back then. But now, I know they're more accepting and care about my well-being over anything, so talking to them about this is very important.

But either way, I think it's best to continue the open communication with them and like Amber stated,

You may want to try putting less stress on a single conversation and instead focus on building a better relationship with your parents in order to build up that communication.

Thanks for the help! I believe I'll just work on this skill, and although it may take a little more time, I think it'll be awesome for our relationship in the long run.

Thanks for the help! Cheers,

Andy

Glad that helped, Andy, and good luck!