Masc-leaning and straight

[secretlyhornie]

Hello! I'm 16F (my birthday is just around the corner) and cishet, and I don't know exactly when but I sort of realized I was gender non-conforming in my identity through certain niche communities on the internet recently, specifically masc-leaning rather than the normative fem. This post is gonna be a bit ranty but it's kind of hard to grasp your newly-found identity that is certainly against the conformity and there's little stories out there about people like me beyond the term "tomboy" (the same goes to fem het/bi boys).

I'm pretty neutral in terms of behaviour but I've always had a discomfort/indifference toward femininity like make-up and dresses or not related to fem women. I did take internalised misogyny into account, because I'd gone through the "not like other girls" before which is embarrassing, except that discomfort never goes away. I kept agonizing over myself, afraid that it was internalised misogyny, so I sucked it up, not knowing that there are other options (what do you expect from the cishet society?) Anyway, I found this niche community and decided to dig deeper, realised I'm not alone and here I am

I guess my concern is that I'm a bit afraid of presenting more masculine. Aside from the fact that society doesn't like masc girls and that my closet consists of only shirts and pants and shorts, I've tried wearing more masc clothes before, the latest attempt being that I wore a short-sleeve unbuttoned shirt over my shirt in a special event and felt so embarrassed and self-consious that I kinda don't want to do it again, even though my friends are really supportive but I don't know. Like guys and some girls literally just wore a shirt and pants and I'm being anxious over what? I also think people won't take me seriously, like I'm just another quirky tomboyish girl that will eventually become feminine, esp if I have a boyfriend. Last but not least, there's the feeling of imposter syndrome, like maybe I will become fem and realise I'm not masc or sth.

[Sofi]

Hi secretlyhornie, welcome to the boards! I'm glad you found us.

I'm hearing a lot of gender stereotypes and a lot of maybe mixing up gender with gender expression. I wonder where you've heard some of these things, for example, that if you dress "masculine" but are a cis woman, you're just eventually going to become "feminine"?

I also see a lot of shame and embarrassment you feel when expressing yourself in the way you feel most comfortable, which is not fun. Where do you think this comes from? You mentioned your friends are supportive and no one around really cared, so it sounds like it's coming from your programming and beliefs. Did your family make you feel like it's embarrassing for a woman to wear pants and a button down shirt? Did you hear someone else say that? Figuring out the root of shame can really help towards undoing it.

I'd love you to read this advice column: Do these pants make me (look) trans? and let me know what your thoughts are after doing so. I think it will be useful in helping you sort through some of the confusion you're feeling. <3

[secretlyhornie]

Thanks for responding! I've read the advice column and the funny thing is I used to identify as transgender, even non-binary, for some time, as a result, I did a lot of research about gender before concluding that I feel most comfortable identifying as a girl and know pretty much all the things that the advice column says. The post is interesting and very true though.

Anyway, I will elaborate my points a bit. The women in my family are very feminine and they expect femininity from girls, especially my mom and my sister. It's a repeating pattern that they would say sth very questionable about other women that don't fit their high standard, those who are feminine but not conventionally attractive enough, let alone masculine women. I feel like the only reason my family tolerate my non-femininity is that they hope I will have a glow up in the future, just like my beautiful womanly woman sister. They *technically* don't tell that straight up to my face, that they don't accept any masculine girl in this house, but the way my mom and sister would hyperfocus on femininity and shame anything that's not and all that, unfortunately my closest family is most likely where my insecurity and shame comes from.

Also, you said that I was "mixing up gender with gender expression" but I'm not seeing it? I suppose it was the part where I wrote "I was gender non-conforming in my identity" that is confusing. I meant that gender non-conformity is part of my identity regardless of my presentation if that makes sense. I feel neutral most of the time but I'm also leaning toward masculinity or prefer that way and I want people to acknowledge that even if I don't look "masc".

About the button down shirt, I said I felt embarrassed and self-consious, it's just that I kinda looked dumb and felt stupid because of thatLike I'm not cool enough or built for wearing more masc clothes.

[Straif]

Hi secretlyhornie,
I'm sorry that your family have made you feel like the only way to be a woman (gender identity) is to be feminine (gender expression). Fear of or disdain for masculine women (or feminine men) is an unfortunately common example of how homophobia harms people, regardless of sexuality. We know that gender and sexuality are two different things, but a lot of folks still assume that a masculine woman will automatically be attracted to other women-- or that they will be less attractive to men. The next leap in that messed-up logic is that a woman without a man is worthless, which brings us right back around to the misogyny that you already figured out is at the root of all of this. It sucks, but that's the water we're swimming in. Well, now you've noticed what's in the water, so to speak, but that doesn't mean that you can automatically just jump out of it because you're still surrounded by it, right? What you CAN do is try to avoid drinking the water. In other words, you can try not to internalize the stuff the women in your family are saying. Easier said than done, unfortunately. But you do have some options. It sounds like you've already started connecting with people who don't share your family's assumptions about the "right way" to be a woman, which can be really helpful. And it sounds like you have supportive friends, which is great! As for your family, are you able to push back and/or excuse yourself from the conversation when they make the kinds of veiled comments you describe?

No matter what's going on outside of you, try to keep noticing when you hear those voices in your head judging people for how they look or dress. And try to be patient with yourself. Even if your family cut it out immediately (probably not going to happen), you've still been hearing this stuff for years, so it's not going to go away overnight. In the meantime, it might be helpful to bring a sense of curiosity to your gender expression. Let's use your button-down shirt as an example.

Do you get a sense of how much of the feeling of "looking stupid" comes from your family making you think that it's not okay to be a woman and wear more traditionally masculine clothes? It sounds like that's the case, but also maybe you just didn't like the way that particular shirt looked on you? A lot of teens struggle to find affordable, well-fitting clothes that make them feel good while navigating parental interference, which does sometimes lead to fashion decisions we look back on and go "oh...oh no." That's totally normal. It takes experimentation to find our style. Do you see celebrities or other masc folks on the internet whose style you'd like to emulate? Do you have a safe person to go shopping with (or do you have options for finding clothes online)? Just like there's not one right way to be a woman, there's not one right way to dress masc. And clothes aren't your only option for expression. Do you have hairstyles in mind that you want to try? Just because you didn't like the way you looked at that one party doesn't mean you need to abandon your gender-expression journey. It just might mean you need to try different things and see what you like. As you find looks that feel good to you, it will be easier to tell those voices in your head to step off.

[darkingbog]

hiya, a few thoughts.
it's not surprising to me that because your family expresses an expectation of femininity, you feel like you have to conform to that as well. no wonder you feel like you have to "turn feminine" later in life, that's exactly what your family "saying"!
i think we have some similar things going on in our lives. we're close in age, i just turned 18. i feel comfortable enough being perceived as a girl, but i enjoy and feel best in clothes, like you're saying, that are more "masculine." sometimes this varies, and sometimes I like to dress up a little bit, but sometimes "dressing up" and feeling completely like myself means long shorts and an oversized t-shirt, yknow? I imagine it would be really hard if the people around me were shunning me for what I like to wear, even if that isn't where there heart is or their intent.
like Sofi said, keep exploring the ways you can present that make YOU feel good, not just your family. go with your gut first and leave the scrutinizing lens behind. I hope that you may find some joy in the way you express yourself and people who affirm your style.

(ps: an open button-down is almost always a great outfit choice!!!)

from,
love,

darkingbog