Scarleteen

I am 16, almost 17, and I am currently facing a dilemma. My mom is really supportive, and shes literally gay. She always talks about being supportive of me and everything I do. She's always been there for me. One thing we haven't really talked about is sex. I think she knows I understand it at this point, but the only thing we've talked about is being careful at sleepovers and not having sex. This also means we have not even talked about masturbation.
I sometimes masturbate.. it feels awkward to admit, but i do. But it hasn't really been enough i guess? I have read a lot online and I obviously know about sex toys. I have never really felt comfortable with the thought of anything up my vagina. Just thinking about it feels weird. But the more I think about it, the more I want to try something. And it feels to0 awkward with my fingers... so I kinda want a vibrator. With a vibrator, I wouldn't have to turn it on, so i can get used to it before i actually use it, right? I know people my age masturbate and use sex toys, and I just really want to try one now...
Only thing is buying one.
1. I can't use my card. My mom can see where I buy from, but can't see what I buy.
2. As easy as it is for me to use cash or my card without someone seeing the exact purchase in person, having to buy it as a teen in front of a cashier would be very embarassing. I have social anxiety and autism, so i can't imagine that level of embarrasment.
3. I could order one online, but my mom could still see where (so cant get one from places that sell only sex related things), she has to approve my amazon orders (so cant get one on amazon), and if it comes as itself in the box in comes in, my mom would see it.

The only solutions I came out with are to either ask or to wait until I move out (in 2 years)

If I ask, there's a chance she'll laugh and say no. There's also a chance we might have to have a sit down talk (which is extremely triggering for my anxiety and autism). Or she might say yes.

If I ask verbally, I might shut down and chicken out. If i text her, she might talk to my step mom...

I think it might work if I ask in the journal I bought for just the two of us, but i'm still nervouse and scared and don't know what to do.

Hi idkidk, welcome to the boards

It's good to hear that you and your mother are close! While the two of you have not been able to talk about sexuality, it looks like you have a journal for communicating things that may be too overwhelming to have verbally. I think that's great, but considering your circumstances, you might want to reconsider asking her directly to get you sex toys. It kind of blurs the line between your own sexual life and hers, and having strict sexual boundaries is important to keep your general relationship healthy and for you to be able to develop your own. You can read more about this from Heather, Scarleteen's founder: viewtopic.php?p=85455#p85455 As they said, if it's possible for you to ask for a gift card instead, that'd be great. It's also worth noting that doing research on the vibrators you're interested in is important; make sure that they're made from safe materials.

Do you think it'd be possible for you to make your own sex toys? If you're looking for something akin to a vibrator, you can use an electric toothbrush, for example. We got an article about that: D.I.Y Sex Toys: Self-Love Edition Getting an electric toothbrush won't be as awkward as getting a whole vibrator, and as for the condom and lube, it might be helpful if you could reach out to places that provide these things for free, be it in person or online. If I recall correctly, your local Planned Parenthood should be able to provide this, but there are other options to if you'd like to check them out.

I sometimes masturbate.. it feels awkward to admit, but i do. But it hasn't really been enough i guess? I have read a lot online and I obviously know about sex toys. I have never really felt comfortable with the thought of anything up my vagina. Just thinking about it feels weird. But the more I think about it, the more I want to try something.

It's understandable that you feel "weird" when you've just recognized a part of your sexuality and you're not used to thinking about it. What's important is that you're only doing things that you truly want, rather than what you think you should want. (Not saying that you must have felt pressured, just making sure that we're on the same page.) If vaginal insertion isn't something you want to try now (or maybe for ever), that's completely okay. As you might have known, masturbation for folks with vulvas doesn't have to include insertion; you can involve other parts of your body.

How do you feel after reading all this?