Sexual pleasure

[saltybug]

hi! making this post because it’s something that’s been starting to bother me a lot more lately.

i (cis woman) don’t feel sexual pleasure and i never have. this has never been a problem to me until recently, ive gotten a partner who is a trans woman and i really, really, really want to experience sexual pleasure with her and figure out my body, which is something i’ve never done before.

i am in my early 20s and have never masturbated or attempted to until this year - which is apparently very weird and uncommon - and also it just felt weird and non-pleasurable. i have attempted to use a mirror to try and figure out my downstairs anatomy and feel it out but it just feels uncomfortable (and i can’t find my clit haha)

i am autistic and on antidepressants and have been since my early teen years, and i suspect that may play a part in this situation i have. im wondering if i should bring it up to my doctor or psychiatrist. seems embarrassing!

i’m thinking about buying a vibrating toy or something to figure out if that can help me experience pleasure.

it makes me really sad that maybe i just can’t experience this near-universal feeling.

any advice?

[Heather]

Hi there, saltybug. Welcome to the boards. <3 Let's see what we can do to help you out.

Before I say anything, I have a couple more questions so I can help you as best as I can, if that's alright.

I'm curious about your experiences with pleasure in general, not just sexual pleasure. Are there other avenues of your life or your experience of your body where you feel like you can access pleasure? For example, like really enjoying the sensory aspects of moving your body or smelling good smells, or really enjoying yourself in the company of other people, or when doing a favorite activity : are these kinds of things generally within your reach or do you feel like you've also had or been having trouble accessing pleasure, period, not just sexual pleasure?

Too, when it comes to sexual pleasure and enjoyment, do you feel sexually aroused (turned on)? In other words, your new partner you're talking about, for instance -- do you feel sexually excited in their presence or when you think about them? Do you have sexual fantasies on your own, or other things that make you feel sexual arousal? Or has that felt like something that hasn't been present for you so far, too?

[saltybug]

hello! thanks for the reply!

yes! i feel a lot of happiness and non-sexual pleasure - i have been doing pretty overall great for the past year or two, which is one reason i finally decided to seek a relationship and try to figure out my body. it’s not something i would have done when i was at lower points in my life.

to answer your second question, my answer is that i think i do? i’m pretty sure i can experience being “turned on”but i think it depends a lot on my mood and the point im at in my menstrual cycle. i used to read smut and sometimes feel “turned on,” i believe i have a few kinks, and i ALWAYS want to engage in anything and everything with my girlfriend. i feel so needy for her when im with her but in the way that i want to do everything and give everything TO her! i love giving her pleasure but dont know how to receive it despite how much i want to. i just cant figure it out. she doesn’t know how to provide it to me either haha

we’ve been doing some exploring and have found one or two things i like being done to me physically that feels good but still haven’t explored much on the lower half of the body. the furthest we’ve gone is her touching me over my underwear a few times and it just felt weird.

i have found myself in a more initiating/giving/almost dominant role in the relationship which is fine with me but something i never expected of myself!

[char]

Hi saltybug! It's good to hear that the last two years have been nice to you. It's true that the use of antidepressants might explain why sexual arousal seems difficult for you, but that's something to confirm with your doctor/psychiatrist. At the same time, I don't think all hope is lost; it may just be that you and your girlfriend may need to take more time in experimenting. When it comes to your girlfriend, do you think you have any worries about receiving pleasure? For example, you might be anxious about being more vulnerable. Or maybe, you're worried that you won't be able to "satisfy" her.

I'd also like to invite you to consider something. I wonder if perceiving sex with less identifiable distinctions between "giving" and "receiving" pleasure could help you connect more with your desire. I mean, when we give our partner oral sex, for example, it doesn't mean we're not feeling anything ourselves, right? Even if it's not arousal per se, there's joy and pleasure from bonding with our partner. I can't guarantee this will 100% work for you, but ultimately sex between two or more people is a form of intimacy, right. Sex will always involve feelings, even if it's "just" a "hook up." Do you get what I mean? Additionally, the other volunteers and I would probably not refer to your sexual preferences/inclinations as "kinks" since it tends to be overused or used in a way to shame less mainstream fantasies, but do let us know if it's a word you'd rather use.