Scarleteen

Here's a fun one. I'm currently dealing with experiencing clear attraction for the first time, and it's directed at one of my (uni) housemates. It's very much an "ah, so THAT'S what people were talking about" situation. I've given the feelings time: we've been living together for 5 months and the attraction has been a thing for the past 2 months now. I don't exactly know what I want since I've never been in this situation before. I enjoy the unlabeled teasing we're doing and my sexual fantasies, but the intensity of the tension is becoming a lot after so long. There's also the fear that if I don't move, the opportunity won't be here for long. This is all theoretical though, hypotheticals in my head... I have no clue if I would like the reality of any sort of relationship. I don't think my attraction is romantic in nature, more a fwb type interest, but it's really hard to tell with so little experience.

However, even outside of my own insecurities, I'm feeling conflicted about whether I should act on it and tell the guy. In the past we had a fight about a loaded topic that's important to me. I acted out thanks to a trauma being triggered, and we did make up afterwards. However, I notice I feel uncertain about whether his stance on the issue is as staunch as I felt it was then. I blew up over a small comment only suggesting his standpoint and never was able to verify (the nuance of) how he really feels. He's also religious, something I left behind in my youth and feel negatively about. I do realize I've got some serious stigma about "the way religious people think/are" - I mean, no group of people is a monolith. For example, him being respectful and curious about my gender identity made me wonder if my presumptions about him are way too restrictive.

I find it fascinating that the moral conflict apparently isn't a turn off to me. When I read about other people's experiences with crush (I can't help but search the web when insecure about stuff haha, why do you think I'm here?), they mentioned how the fastest way of getting rid of one was by the person having a to you repulsive belief. Do I just not care about this issue as much as I think I do, that I still developed this crush afterwards?

All in all, I'm now sitting here wondering if I should try to work through these complex feelings I have about our moral compasses, when I'm not looking for a long-term romantic relationship. The truth is I don't want to work through all this. I just want to play around and have fun. Yet there is this nagging voice holding me back, saying I shouldn't let feelings get the better of me and instead make a wise decision, whatever that means. Our friendship (though a bit strained due to the unspoken sexual tension at least on my side) is working out just fine by staying out of the sensitive topics - couldn't a sexual interaction be the same? Or should I strive to be more morally aligned with someone I have sex with? I realize these are questions I can probably only answer myself, but some external input wouldn't hurt.

THEN there is also the housemate issue. I can't imagine how awkward it would be living together if we're not compatible after all. Even just if I confess my feelings... I wouldn't want him to feel creeped out in his own house. Thankfully housemate is a somewhat broader term here. We only see each other if we happen to be in the common room at the same time which I would say happens once a day on average. We're not constantly running into eachother. Still, wondering if this is just too complex of a situation for a newbie... but feeling this for the first time after a heavy blanket of repression has lifted is just so wonderful! I feel like it would be a shame to forego this purely out of fear for what could go wrong.

Welcome back, DazzleJess. It's been a while since we've seen you, I hope life's treated you well in the interim. <3

I hear you saying that while you feel a physical/chemical attraction to this person, you've had conflicts in the past, and several things about them -- including that you're housemates -- seem to make it pretty clear that you two would likely not be something that was good for you. Unfortunately, it can simply happen to use sometimes that we feel attracted to people who we won't be a good fit with, or where the circumstances of our attraction and its timing just aren't good.

Sex is the place where we are all the MOST vulnerable. Something working okay with a surface-level casual friendship is by no means an indication it will be the same with sex. Even when sex is casual -- and if you haven't read it before, this guide to casual sex may come in handy now or later for you: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/relatio ... casual-sex -- insofar as not being something we're doing in a longtime romantic or committed partnership, that still doesn't mean we won't be meeting in a vulnerable place. Being naked with someone, and letting someone in on very, very personal parts of who we are sexually is not surface-level, no matter how casual. We still need to be able to have some real trust with even casual partners, including trust they will be safe, keep private things private, and not do things like, say, make it impossible for us to stay living where we live with them if things go poorly. Given the place you had the biggest disagreement was around trauma of yours, they feel like a particularly poor fit to me. Based on everything you have said so far about him, this does not sound to me like someone it'd be a good idea to pursue a sexual relationship or interaction with, or at least not yet.

If you disagree and want to move forward and pursue being sexual with this person, my best advice is to have a real talk with them about your mutual attraction, what you both want to do with it, and some of the concerns you have. It's possible, I suppose, that they could show up as a person who seems more able to handle all of this and who might be a better fit than he appears on the surface. It may be a real talk about this -- and we should always have this kind of communication about sex with someone where it really can't be casual for any reason no matter what, like because we live together -- gives you a different impression of him that makes all of this feel differently. A real talk about all this may also solidify the opposite, that this really isn't a good idea. It may also be that he doesn't want ti pursue anything sexual with you, for any number of reasons, including that he isn't interested or because he feels your living together or something else is a conflict.

How does all of that land with you, and what are you thinking from here?

Thanks for the welcome back, Heather. For me on a personal level, the last years have been full of positive developments in terms of independence, self-understanding and healing.

I understand what you're saying, even if a part of me doesn't want to hear it. Thinking straight is difficult when flooded with giddy feelings, so I'm grateful to have a place like this for reflection. You're right that ignoring the friction is not a good idea... but I'm not fully ready to let this potential go just yet. Even just for the sake of our friendship it's good to talk in more depth about the fight we had than the initial "talking it out" that we did, I reckon. We're both autistic and conflict resolution isn't mine or his strongest suit.

As for safety: I know gut feelings are important in matters like this and he does not feel unsafe. I felt that way from the start, before the crush feelings could've gotten in the way. In fact even during our conflict this wasn't an issue, I was just angry about the opinion he expressed. It's a fact that I reacted disproportionally - that's what being triggered is, after all. The opinion in question being "not immediate and full agreement with my own stance". The more I think about it while not in a triggered state, the more I wonder if I understand his stance at all and if it's as problematic as I thought. But I believe I already said that in the original post.

What I'm thinking is that I'll ask to talk about the topic of the friction. During our initial talk I offered to share why it was such a sore spot for me, but he didn't want me to engage with the trauma for his sake. I'm fairly sure this was because of the wording I used; again we're autists so being exact with words is important. At the time I said I was "willing to share" (translated, in the original language it has even more of a reluctant feel to it). I'll say now that I want to share, because I would like for him to be able to understand where I was coming from, just as I'd like to be able to know where he was/is coming from. That conversation can be a gauge too, if he doesn't want to talk more about this then it's pretty clear we wouldn't communicate well about sex, either. If it goes well it could be a path to more understanding and vulnerability in general.