Might be a stupid question related to phobias

[LopezMonty]

Hello. This might be a really stupid question. This might not even be a question at all, just a way to vent. And if I’m out of line, please tell me.

At what point are you supposed to ask a professional about sex and gender stuff? For me specifically, when are you supposed to ask a professional about a fear of sex and sexuality?

And who are you even supposed to ask for help? A sexual health doctor? A psychological/mental health doctor?

This is (sex) a really embarrassing topic for me. It takes working up courage even to ask on an anonymous forum like this one. But I don’t think my fear of sex and my own feelings about it are healthy. But I don’t know how to make the fear go away, either.

I mean, even thinking about myself having sex, even with a person I would like, makes my hands shake and my heart beat fast and my mind race. That’s not normal, is it? Thinking about yourself having sex shouldn’t make your body shake all over, should it? This topic shouldn’t make you worry about violence or dehumanization or people being disgusted with your body because of things you can’t control.

But if I need professional help, which professional would even be able to help?

[amber]

Hi LopezMonty,

I know talking about these topics can be hard or uncomfortable, but I am glad that you have found comfort here in asking questions. Unfortunately I can not give you a simple answer to these questions.

What I will say is that there are mental health professionals who are able to help you work through the anxieties you are describing, whether related to sex or other things in your life. Do you find that you feel similar levels of anxiety to sex/sexuality as you do with other parts of your life?

Most often people feel so much shame around sex because of the social conditioning around sex and sexuality that we experience. Do you think any sex-negative ideas are impacting the worries you've described?

[LopezMonty]

I feel like the anxiety I feel around sex is kind of unique. Because, to me, it intersects with multiple different things: physical vulnerability, physical insecurity, emotional vulnerability, self worth and self esteem, and loneliness or a lack of it.
I feel similar levels of anxiety about multiple other topics, but sex just connects multiple anxiety inducing things together at once, making it overwhelming.

I honestly don’t know where a lot of the fear comes from. Sex negative ideas are definitely part of it, but I don’t know which ones specifically. I don’t know where they fit in with my fear. I don’t know where exactly my body image fits in with the fear.

All I really know is that it causes me a lot of fear. Which is annoying, since testosterone hrt seems determined to make my body and my mind fight over sex and sexuality.

Obviously, I don’t intend to actually do anything with anyone. If you can’t love yourself, you can’t be with someone. But if fear stops me from trying, I’ll just be stuck like this forever.

[Heather]

Hey there, LopezMonty.

I think there also might be something important that you're leaving out here when it comes to partnered sex, which is the partner involved, and what an actually good partner and partnership can offer around all of this.

For instance, you get to get to know a potential partner over time, and build trust and comfort with them over time, so that by the time -- and if -- you find they *are* someone you want to be sexual with, you'll have the ability to only start exploring sex with them when and if that vulnerability doesn't feel so scary. We can talk about our concerns and fears with a partner, and work together to figure out what each of us needs when it comes to them. We can also experience, over time, that we are safe with that person, which, in turn, will usually make us feel more safe with that partner and partners in general. Trust is usually the main thing that makes all of these kinds of vulnerability both less scary and more positive, where shared vulnerability is something that can do things like build and grow your relationship and bond together more and help you feel more comfortable in your own skin, etc.

And you don't have to be 100% there with self-love to start exploring love, trust or sex with someone else if someone shows up on your radar you want to explore any or all of those things with. So much of life is learning to love ourselves as we go, I'm not sure anyone could possibly be all the way there so early on in life. In fact, I feel like I've really only heard people of my own generation, as a group, starting to feel like they've just started to get there n ow, in our 50s and 60s. I just would hate to see you set an impossible expectation for yourself!