Scarleteen

sometimes il (16f) see beautiful women irl or on social media snd il get jealous not in the way that u might expect like this may seem weird but il think like no way that men get that they don't deserve that it makes me wish i was a male so I could have a chance (like as an adult obv not now in highschool) to me i dont even notice them compared to the girl idk bro heh ps. Ive never been with anyone tho lolol

Hi Kimctv!

I would not say that this is a weird (that is, incomprehensible) observation, but it is an interesting one--we can think more about it together.

Here are two questions: Do you feel like you'd have a better chance being with a beautiful girl if you were a guy (essentially, if the relationship in question was straight)? Is there anything that is appealing to you about being a guy, beyond that?

Yeah thats about it yk

I dont think about wanting to be a guy in general I just think it would be easier in this context

Hi Kimctv!

Ah, I see. So, if you’re saying that “beautiful” women (which is highly subjective and not the same for everyone) are more likely to be with men than with women or other genders, I would disagree and offer us to pause and reflect on that idea.
The attractiveness of someone doesn’t tell us anything about who they might be attracted to.

But I am curious and want to help talk through this idea with you. Can you say a little more about why you think it would be easier if you were a guy? Or why you think beautiful women are more likely to want to be with men?

I think it would be easier because most women are with men from what I know and seen i actually never see queer couples were i live idk i usually feel this way whenever I see one with a male partner ig

Hi there, Kimctv

It sounds like your feelings are grounded in the very real problem of not knowing many queer people in your life, or of living in a space where queer people are not visible to you (and perhaps do not feel safe and supported to be visible, since we are everywhere). And I guess that is the key--just because you are not seeing obvious signs of queer/sapphic women, that doesn't mean they are not out there. It is likely that you will have more freedom and ability to find them in the coming years. Don't worry, (keeping in mind Kier's reminder that assessments of beauty are subjective and individual) there are beautiful women out there who would want you as you are.

Let's consider for a moment, some of the unintentional implications of the ideas we've been discussing. Are beautiful women things to be deserved? What about being a man makes the people you've seen less deserving of their partners?

Idk I just feel like to me they're never as attractive as them and I'll be confused like if he can do it why cant i what makes them so special that doesnt make me special

well, for one thing, the men in their lives are in their lives, and you are observing them through social media. Another thing is that you are a teenager and they are adults. So, those are two extremely huge factors that have nothing to do with your special-ness, worthiness, etc. Latha asked if you felt beautiful women are something to be deserved, and I want to loop back to that. Good, healthy, solid relationships are not made solely up of matching up by perceived attractiveness.
Do they have shared values? Do they feel supported, heard, cared for? Are they looking for similar things in their lives at a specific moment? Are they good friends, co-living partners, travel partners....? We won't typically get any of this from social media, especially regarding people we don't personally know at all. Make sense?

Yeah I understand. Also I remember thinking men are so lucky they get to be with women why do I have to be on the other side when I was like 11 or something heh the thought of being married to some dude in the future doesnt sit right with me i also see these posts on social media of women saying they popped out with a man after being gay and it doesn't give me hope When I was younger I thought if i was a man id be the straightest man

Hi Kimctv,

I hear you that it can feel more difficult to find a partner when you are not straight. Although queerness surely can come with life factors which are more difficult, beautiful relationships exist just the same. You may see more heterosexual couples about (although that in itself is only an assumption that may not be true) that does not mean they necessarily had a 'simpler' time finding their partner.

There are soo many factors which make it so a partnership is a good fit besides sexual orientation. Think about the women you like.. what values, characteristics, or traits are important they share with you? Even if you were a straight man, all the women you find attractive would not all be good matches to you.

Thank youu