Fighting with my friend
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hersecret13
- not a newbie
- Posts: 8
- Joined: Thu Mar 27, 2025 10:33 pm
- Age: 18
- My Awesomeness Quotient: my kindness
- My primary language: english
- My pronouns: she/her/they
- My sexual identity and orientation: pansexual, female
- Location: america
Fighting with my friend
My friend and I are in a fight. I accidentally logged into her Insta after deleting the app and looked at the messages between herself and another 'friend' (someone who I just stopped being friends with), and i did this because I was scared they were saying stuff about me to my friend. I obviously shouldnt have done that. I was wrong to invade her privacy, but I saw my friend say im mean, rude, and agree with the 'friend' when she said i 'just hate everyone around me'. This hurt my feelings, I brought it up and now my friend is angry and needs space and wont talk. SHe says she JUST needs space but im scared she wont want to stay friends. I never meant for this all to happen.
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Becky
- scarleteen staff/volunteer
- Posts: 147
- Joined: Fri Jan 19, 2024 5:29 pm
- Age: 33
- My primary language: English
- My pronouns: She/They
- My sexual identity and orientation: Queer
- Location: USA
Re: Fighting with my friend
Hey hersecret13,
I can understand why this is upsetting and distressing for you. It definitely doesn't feel good to find out that someone you trust is talking about you behind your back. However, as you noted, it was wrong to invade your friend's privacy like this even though you found out she was saying mean things. I know you didn't mean for this to happen, but it has and now all you can do is move forward and take things as they come.
If your friend needs space to process this invasion of privacy, unfortunately all you can do right now is give her some time. I'm not sure how long it's been since she asked for space but I would say you probably need to give her at least a few weeks. If after a few weeks or even a month you haven't heard from her I don't think it would be out of the question to send her a "hey I want to repair our friendship, can we talk about what happened?" message. But just one. If you don't hear back from her, you have your answer.
In the meantime, I would encourage you to take some time and do some processing of your own. While you've gotten some information you maybe shouldn't have, you have it all the same. I would sit with how you feel about the things your friend said about you. Do you have any idea why she may have said what she did? Is there maybe some unspoken conflict between the two of you that hadn't been addressed? Do you want to be friends with someone who would talk about you behind your back rather than addressing issues with you directly? Have you been able to have conversations with each other when you've been hurt in the past? What was working about this friendship and what wasn't? Is there anything that can be repaired?
I know it's scary and feels bad but sometimes a little bit of space can allow for some clarity. Take some time to do things that you really enjoy and take care of your mental health. Remember, you aren't a bad person, you're just a person who made a mistake. And mistakes are things we can learn from to help us do better in the future.
What can we help you with in the meantime? Do you want to draft a message you can send to your friend when some time has passed? Do you want to come up with a list of things you can do to pass the time?
I can understand why this is upsetting and distressing for you. It definitely doesn't feel good to find out that someone you trust is talking about you behind your back. However, as you noted, it was wrong to invade your friend's privacy like this even though you found out she was saying mean things. I know you didn't mean for this to happen, but it has and now all you can do is move forward and take things as they come.
If your friend needs space to process this invasion of privacy, unfortunately all you can do right now is give her some time. I'm not sure how long it's been since she asked for space but I would say you probably need to give her at least a few weeks. If after a few weeks or even a month you haven't heard from her I don't think it would be out of the question to send her a "hey I want to repair our friendship, can we talk about what happened?" message. But just one. If you don't hear back from her, you have your answer.
In the meantime, I would encourage you to take some time and do some processing of your own. While you've gotten some information you maybe shouldn't have, you have it all the same. I would sit with how you feel about the things your friend said about you. Do you have any idea why she may have said what she did? Is there maybe some unspoken conflict between the two of you that hadn't been addressed? Do you want to be friends with someone who would talk about you behind your back rather than addressing issues with you directly? Have you been able to have conversations with each other when you've been hurt in the past? What was working about this friendship and what wasn't? Is there anything that can be repaired?
I know it's scary and feels bad but sometimes a little bit of space can allow for some clarity. Take some time to do things that you really enjoy and take care of your mental health. Remember, you aren't a bad person, you're just a person who made a mistake. And mistakes are things we can learn from to help us do better in the future.
What can we help you with in the meantime? Do you want to draft a message you can send to your friend when some time has passed? Do you want to come up with a list of things you can do to pass the time?
“All of us have to learn how to invent our lives, make them up, imagine them. We need to be taught these skills; we need guides to show us how. If we don't, our lives get made up for us by other people.” -- Ursula K. Le Guin
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