I'm a girl. My mom is devoutly Christian. We've gone to church since I was a baby. I never fully believed in Christianity and I definitely didn't agree with the church's views on sexuality and gender. A few years ago I realized that I really do not believe in Christianity or that God exists.
My relationship with my mom is good so I decided to tell her I may like girls even though I was scared. She said that it was fine and she wouldn't disown me because I thought she might've. Of course she still loves me, the thing is she's one of those Christians that loves everyone but still thinks that being queer or trans is a sin. She doesn't want me to be gay and so I think she believes I'm not really gay. I've only talked about guys with her. She's confused why I even think I like girls and what I like about them. My dad knows, he's progressive, but the thing is he is totally a horrible father and he only provides basic care as a parent, not emotional care. We're not close and I have no one to talk to about this. The closest person to me is my freaking homophobic mom. So yay. This is my last resort. Can anyone help me because this pain is unbearable. I just wish I had it easy but no my mom had to be Christian... it's so painful
my christian mom doesn't accept me being queer
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Please remember that neither staff, volunteers nor your fellow users can provide or replace mental healthcare when that is something you need. Users struggling with issues like anxiety, depression, abuse or physical health issues are strongly encouraged to seek out qualified, in-person help with those issues in addition to peer or staff support.
We ask that users looking for general, ongoing emotional support post in this area of the boards, and that you use this space to both ask for, give and receive that support primarily from each other, rather than from our staff and volunteers. As a staff, we simply are often too overextended with all we need to do in running the organization and its services to do that for extended periods of time, and one of our main aims of our community at the boards has always been to facilitate peers to better be there for each other.
Users often report that they have no in-person peers they can talk to or seek support from: we want this to be a space for online peer support and somewhere everyone can get some practice asking for, getting and giving support so that doing it with people in your lives feels more doable.
Please remember that neither staff, volunteers nor your fellow users can provide or replace mental healthcare when that is something you need. Users struggling with issues like anxiety, depression, abuse or physical health issues are strongly encouraged to seek out qualified, in-person help with those issues in addition to peer or staff support.
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Latha
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Re: my christian mom doesn't accept me being queer
Hello and welcome to the boards, Dumbash. I'm glad you are here.
What can I say? It is painful to feel so unseen and rejected by the person you are closest to, and someone you rely on. Her bigoted beliefs damage the trust you've built together for so long. I wish I could fix this grief for you, but I can only offer you what many queer people have done in the past: to trust that you will find family in people you choose--people who will choose you in return and understand you and see you for who you are.
If I may ask, what have things been like at home after you've told your mother? How has your father responded?
Devout religious belief too often goes along with homophobia and queerphobia, but it doesn't have to--there are plenty of Christians, for example, who are welcoming of queer people or queer themselves. I say this not to underestimate the pain of your mother's particular homophobia, but to clarify, and to suggest that your mother may come to understand that there does not have to be a conflict between her religion and her respect for you. (Such change might seem unlikely, but it has been known to happen.)
I'm also sorry to hear about your relationship with your father--you deserve parents who really engage with you emotionally.
If you have come to the conclusion that he is a totally horrible father, that means your relationship together has reached a point of crisis. Sometimes, people can care but be awful at showing it, or not be so good at adapting to the needs of a growing person as a parent. Do you think that could be the case for your father? Have you ever communicated to him that the way he is caring for you simply isn't meeting your needs? You shouldn't have to make a case for emotional care as a child, but I'm wondering if hearing it from you (if you feel up to it) might make the need for change very obvious to him.
What can I say? It is painful to feel so unseen and rejected by the person you are closest to, and someone you rely on. Her bigoted beliefs damage the trust you've built together for so long. I wish I could fix this grief for you, but I can only offer you what many queer people have done in the past: to trust that you will find family in people you choose--people who will choose you in return and understand you and see you for who you are.
If I may ask, what have things been like at home after you've told your mother? How has your father responded?
Devout religious belief too often goes along with homophobia and queerphobia, but it doesn't have to--there are plenty of Christians, for example, who are welcoming of queer people or queer themselves. I say this not to underestimate the pain of your mother's particular homophobia, but to clarify, and to suggest that your mother may come to understand that there does not have to be a conflict between her religion and her respect for you. (Such change might seem unlikely, but it has been known to happen.)
I'm also sorry to hear about your relationship with your father--you deserve parents who really engage with you emotionally.
If you have come to the conclusion that he is a totally horrible father, that means your relationship together has reached a point of crisis. Sometimes, people can care but be awful at showing it, or not be so good at adapting to the needs of a growing person as a parent. Do you think that could be the case for your father? Have you ever communicated to him that the way he is caring for you simply isn't meeting your needs? You shouldn't have to make a case for emotional care as a child, but I'm wondering if hearing it from you (if you feel up to it) might make the need for change very obvious to him.
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dumbash
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Re: my christian mom doesn't accept me being queer
Thanks so much for your response! My mom and I are still arguing about this and it's causing me a lot of stress. She doesn't know what she is doing wrong but I'm telling her it's the fact that she believes I should not be gay and should not date a woman that is hurting me. It seems like she won't change and I feel like this is going to cause issues in our relationship. I can't ignore my own sexuality (I've also been questioning if I am trans/non-binary which would honestly worsen the relationship 
) but I love my mom dearly. She does reiterate that she loves me very much but the pain and disconnect is still there. I believe that she's come to realize that I do like women and finally believes me after the fights we've had, though.
My dad, well, I've never tried with him. He's mentally unstable, has anger issues, and I've never gone to him for advice on emotional things. I'm really scared of him because he can often get mad for no reason and genuinely I don't view him as someone I could ever talk to or try to reason with. He's not, like, a warm person or anything.
) but I love my mom dearly. She does reiterate that she loves me very much but the pain and disconnect is still there. I believe that she's come to realize that I do like women and finally believes me after the fights we've had, though. My dad, well, I've never tried with him. He's mentally unstable, has anger issues, and I've never gone to him for advice on emotional things. I'm really scared of him because he can often get mad for no reason and genuinely I don't view him as someone I could ever talk to or try to reason with. He's not, like, a warm person or anything.
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Straif
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Re: my christian mom doesn't accept me being queer
Hi Dumbash,
I'm so sorry that your dad is not a safe person and mom is still letting the way Christianity has been warped get in the way of her relationship with you. But don't lose hope. It sounds like this is all really recent. Like Latha says, not all Christian folks are anti-gay or anti-trans. Some of my closest friends and biggest allies are Christian ladies in their 50s and 60s-- and they are powerful warriors for social justice! Your mom needs to realize that anti-LGBT views are not inseparable from her faith, and she doesn't get to hide her prejudices behind her faith if she wants to maintain a relationship with you.
I can't predict whether she'll be able to do that with time, but it might help her to connect with Christians outside the limited view of her faith to which she's been exposed. If she's open to that, you might consider sharing perspectives from people who follow a path to Christ that doesn't push queer people off of it. For example, I'm a big fan of The Sojourners. If she's not interested in that, you can also encourage her to reread the Gospels. Most folks who are anti-LGBT and Christian don't read their Bible closely for themselves, which means they're relying on cherrypicked interpretations from someone else. If she listens closely to what Christ actually says in that book, she'll find plenty of reassurance that he'd love you as you are.
Unfortunately, if your mom has been deeply indoctrinated, it's possible she won't be open to other perspectives-- now or ever. There's no way to know, which is so scary and painful. Do you have other adults in your life who are more supportive and/or folks your age who it feels safe to talk to?
I'm so sorry that your dad is not a safe person and mom is still letting the way Christianity has been warped get in the way of her relationship with you. But don't lose hope. It sounds like this is all really recent. Like Latha says, not all Christian folks are anti-gay or anti-trans. Some of my closest friends and biggest allies are Christian ladies in their 50s and 60s-- and they are powerful warriors for social justice! Your mom needs to realize that anti-LGBT views are not inseparable from her faith, and she doesn't get to hide her prejudices behind her faith if she wants to maintain a relationship with you.
I can't predict whether she'll be able to do that with time, but it might help her to connect with Christians outside the limited view of her faith to which she's been exposed. If she's open to that, you might consider sharing perspectives from people who follow a path to Christ that doesn't push queer people off of it. For example, I'm a big fan of The Sojourners. If she's not interested in that, you can also encourage her to reread the Gospels. Most folks who are anti-LGBT and Christian don't read their Bible closely for themselves, which means they're relying on cherrypicked interpretations from someone else. If she listens closely to what Christ actually says in that book, she'll find plenty of reassurance that he'd love you as you are.
Unfortunately, if your mom has been deeply indoctrinated, it's possible she won't be open to other perspectives-- now or ever. There's no way to know, which is so scary and painful. Do you have other adults in your life who are more supportive and/or folks your age who it feels safe to talk to?
“A home isn't always the house we live in. It's also the people we choose to surround ourselves with.”- T.J. Klune
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