Scarleteen

Hey Scarleteen users!

We recently had someone write to us for some advice. 

They wrote:

“I’m a fat gay⁠ guy who’s trans, and I’m probably also autistic… suffice to say, I’m not great at socializing or dating or meeting people or clubbing or having fun. I don’t approach people in person because I know I’m not what people want (it feels like the gay guys that like trans guys like twinks, the guys that like fat guys don’t like trans guys, the trans guys that date other trans guys don’t like fat guys, or they don’t think I’m trans unless I say something, etc.)… I just really wish I could at least make friends. I’m scared generally of approaching anyone and so that means I’m bad at socializing ‘cause I’ve never practiced and I lack the instincts to do it correctly… How do I learn to socialize when I’m fat, gay, and trans, and if possible how do I start dating again?”

If you’d like to read the advice they got from writer Lisa Laman, you can check it out here. Regardless of if you align with all of these identities, just a few, or even none of them, we know a lot of our users have felt similarly. Socializing and dating are hard because they require a lot of vulnerability and they put you in a position where you could potentially be hurt. 

We put together a few of our articles about navigating dating, friendships, and sex from writers that hold some of these identities. 

Can You Be Yourself On Dates?
How Do I Tell If Someone Is Into Me?
Navigating Sexuality As A Fat Teen
Flirting While Fat: Learning to Take Up Space in Love and Lust
Sex on the Brain: Sex and Autism, Mental Illness, and Other Cognitive Diversity

But we also want to hear from you! What do you wish others knew about being fat/LGBTQIA+/neurodivergent and dating and/or socializing? Is there any advice you would give to others who are struggling with their confidence and putting themselves out there?

Thanks for starting this thread, Becky! If there's one thing I wish people knew about dating with multiple marginalized identities, it's that people are still people-- for better and for worse. I think there's this unconscious assumption that being someone marginalized means you are going to be a more understanding, empathetic person, and the community is going to be all sunshine and rainbows because we're all in the same boat, right? Well, that's the thing. Marginalized folks can be jerks, too, and just because someone has one marginalized identity doesn't mean they understand someone else's experience-- or that they're going to be sympathetic to it. The most obvious example is the racism, fatphobia, and transphobia coming from white, gay men, but they're not the only ones. You can be trans and racist. You can be queer and fatphobic. You can be neurodivergent and an asshole. We've all got to do our own internal work because it's a nasty shock when you come into a community that you expect to be a haven, and it's not.

At the same time, it's SO important to have extra compassion for ourselves and others when we aren't our best selves. If anything, it's HARDER for us because we're more likely to be poor, to have complex trauma, to lack family support, to have access to affordable healthcare... and all those stressors add up! I'm not saying that to be all doom and gloom but to encourage folks to give each other more grace. To slow down before we criticize. To listen and be open to the idea that we might not be right about everything. Even if you're awkward AF in social situations, being a good listener goes a LONG way. That requires showing genuine interest in what's important to another person by trying not to plan your responses when they're talking and asking questions. If you're not genuinely interested in the other person (or they're not genuinely interested in you), that's okay, too. Keep it moving. Our communities are small, but you don't have to be friends with EVERYONE. You'll find your people, but you've got to be persistent: look online, visit local queer establishments, look up meetups and groups for queer folks that are participating in stuff you already find interesting but isn't explicitly for queer people.

As for sex and romance, you're going to meet people who don't want to date you because you're trans or because you're fat or because you're neurodivergent. And those are not people who are worth having in your life. But there will also be people who aren't interested in a sexual or romantic relationship with you for unrelated reasons. That still hurts, but I hope it feels a little less targeted. None of us are going to be everyone's cup of tea, and that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you OR the other person.

I'm really interested to hear other folks chime in on this thread. How have you found community? How do you handle rejection? What do you look for in a friend?