Am I Experiencing Gender Dysphoria?

[Seraph]

I've recently made a post on this board about not feeling very happy with how I look (and I do apologize if I made this thread too soon after my previous thread I just thought it would be better if this was its own topic). I've been giving it more thought since I first posted the topic and I have been wondering if what I am feeling can be described as gender dysphoria. I apologize if what I am about to write is really messy or does not make any sense I have been very stressed out over this today and I am somewhat overwhelemed with stuff at the moment.

I've never been able to pinpoint what about me feels so "off" when it comes to me feeling ugly. I can't really point to one trait in particular that I feel bad about I just always have been unhappy with how I look in general. There are a few things about myself that I believe I would prefer if it looked more steryotypically feminine (I apologize if anything in this post comes off as steryotypical). I've always liked having longer hair and I really dislike it when I am pressured to cut it short. I also have always felt weird about my hands. Its hard to explain but I've always just thought that more feminine looking hands looked better than masculine ones.

I believe that I may enjoy wearing some typically feminine clothes more than typically masculine ones, such as dresses or corsets.

Lastly, I have always had a dislike for what is seen as typically "masculine" in society. I've never liked sports or wanted to be super strong or anything. I know that there are tons of guys like that but I've never really vibed with most stuff that society expects men to be into. I've always seen a "female friendship" as something more desireable than a "male friendship".

I do have some doubts about this however. I've never really had any extreme thoughts of unhappiness with being my current gender that I have read that some people online do. My biggest worry that I have is that non of these thoughts that I am having are "real". Its kinda hard for me to explain what I feel, but part of me is worried that what I have talked about in this thread so far are simply thoughts created by my mind to give me something to believe in that would make me more "interesting" (I do not mean that I believe that transgender people are attention seekers I just worry that my mind is making me think I may be experience gender dysphoria because it would somehow make me more unique in a way). This has been causing me some trouble because I worry that the answers any question about my gender that I ask myself are biased in some way and I am having a hard time telling if what I am feeling is real or not.

I've also never really had any discomfort with my genitals. I have wondered a few times before about what it would be like to have femal genitals and I have never been super bothered by the idea of having them. I know not all transgender people feel that way about their genitals I just wanted to throw it out there as well.

I really do apologize if anything I wrote in here is offensive or steyoptyipical of trans people or women. I have been wondering this for a bit now and I just would like to know if these are common thoughts that people with gender dysphoria have.

[Latha]

Hi Seraph!

No worries, it is not too soon to make a new thread. And also, your explanation of your feelings does make sense. It is okay to be unsure of what to make of them--we can try to think through your concerns together.

Here are some initial ideas:

There are a few things about myself that I believe I would prefer if it looked more steryotypically feminine (I apologize if anything in this post comes off as steryotypical)

Making sure we don't fall unto harmful or limiting stereotypes is a worthy goal, and finding the best language to communicate that is a work in progress--I understand what you mean, so no need to apologize. I'm hearing that there are a couple of features commonly associated with femininity that you'd like to have, like long hair. You've described them as feminine too--if I may ask, is that language that you like identifying with? Would you feel good thinking of your body/actions/self as feminine, or being thought of as feminine by other people?

(One way to be sensitive to the nuances of gender is to separate physical features and the gendered meanings we attach to them. You might for example, name the specific anatomy of genitals (e.g. vulva) instead of using 'female genitals'--again, I get what you mean, but it is an imprecise shorthand.)

part of me is worried that what I have talked about in this thread so far are simply thoughts created by my mind to give me something to believe in that would make me more "interesting"

I'd like to suggest that there is nothing wrong with wanting to be interesting, and that having that (very common) motivation doesn't have to discredit your wonderings about your gender. My guess is that there are many interesting things in the world that you would not want for yourself--the fact that you are thinking about femininity justifies examining your gender.

At this point, you've noticed some things about yourself that give you opportunities--to try new clothes, presentations, or ways of relating to yourself and other people. Actually experiencing what it is like to do the things you are curious about will give you a lot more information about what would work for you, gender-wise. Your feelings could very well be a result of gender dysphoria, or they might not, but this isn't a theoretical exercise where you have to worry about bias leading you astray--it is practical. The only person your gender exploration would really affect is you, so the only question that matters is whether your gender (and presentation) feels comfortable to you and makes you happy.

Not all trans people start out with clearly identifiable thoughts of unhappiness about their gender. But choosing to present differently is a neutral action. You wouldn't have to reach a particular state of extreme unhappiness and suffering before you, for example, transition. You'd just have to feel the effects of transition are worth it to you.

What do you think of this so far?

[Seraph]

Thank you so much for responding to me.

I would not be bothered by being labeled as feminine, however I suppose I don't really know how it would make me feel since I don't really have experience being refered to as a woman. I've been thinking more about my looks, and I do like a lot of typically feminine ways of dressing and styling however I wonder if the reason I like female expression more than male expression is because I am attracted to women and not because I would be happier if I was a woman.

Another thing I thought about is a reoccuring fantasy of having a femal friend who offers to dress me like a woman and do my make-up. Again I can't really tell if this is me wanting to be more feminine or if I am attracted to how women look so I instictivly think feminine looks are more "desirable".

To respond to your question, I would like to try and see what I feel like if I were to express myself differently but I don't know where to start. I worry that if I ask a friend or somebody close to me to refer to me with she/her pronouns and I end up not really liking it that it would be very awkaward for me to tell them to go back to he/him pronouns when refering to me.
I really want to try wearing a cute dress, but I don't know how to go about it. I don't feel comfortable with my parents knowing that I am experimenting with how I dress even though they are pretty progressive people. I'm afraid of buying and trying on a dress in a public store because of public judgement and I am afraid of ordering something online because I doubt my parents will respect my privacy about what I ordered even if I tell them that it is private and I don't want them to know.

[Latha]

Hello Seraph,

Thank you for your considered response!

I wonder if the reason I like female expression more than male expression is because I am attracted to women and not because I would be happier if I was a woman.

I would like to point out that plenty of men are attracted to women and do not have the slightest interest in female expression for themselves--for a lot of those people, the thought would repel them because it would feel incongruent with their gender. You have good reasons to explore this further, as things are now.

Another thing I thought about is a reoccuring fantasy of having a femal friend who offers to dress me like a woman and do my make-up.

I wish you had that--trying a whole new way of dressing and being can get confusing or overwhelming, and it is nice to have help. Do you have any friends who might be familiar with the conventions of women's dress and style, and who are supportive of trans people?

I worry that if I ask a friend or somebody close to me to refer to me with she/her pronouns and I end up not really liking it that it would be very awkaward for me to tell them to go back to he/him pronouns when refering to me.

I can see why this situation might feel awkward. Would it help to be upfront about the fact that you are exploring things, and are not sure? Lots of people who are open to transness go through periods where they try different pronouns--anyone who is reasonably familiar with the concept shouldn't judge you.

Too, it is not the same, but you could also adjust the pronouns in your profile here (we wouldn't mind any changes you make), and try a pronoun and name testing site like this one: https://chocolate-pancake.github.io/pro ... mestester/

I really want to try wearing a cute dress, but I don't know how to go about it.

Each of your worries are understandable. If I had it my way, I'd snap my fingers and make public judgement disappear forever. I am sorry to hear that you can't expect your parents to respect your privacy as well.

I wonder if you have a friend who would be open to receiving packages for you and who wouldn't pry--do you think you could have a package sent to someone else's place?

Too, do you know whether there are any LGBTQ community centers near where you live? Sometimes, such places have community closets to help trans and questioning people find clothing and explore new styles--you could reliably expect support if you visited.

[Seraph]

Thank you so much for responding!!!

Sadly, I don't really have any in person friends. I have always found it very hard to socialize with others and I don't have anybody in person who I can really go to for something like this. I do have a few online friends who I can talk to. There are also no LGBTQ community centers near me, but if I ever come across a place like that I will give it a chance.

I've done some looking around on the internet and came across this website https://genderdysphoria.fyi/. I don't know if its a trustworthy source or not, but after doing a lot of reading there are many, many experiences listed here that I found that I related too. In a lot of ways it made me feel like I was finally understood a lot of the feelings that I've had in my life. However, I really fear that all of the ways that I relate to some of the stuff on there may just be a series of coincidences.

As I've said before, I've never really enjoyed a lot of things that are seen as masculine for people my age (19). I've always felt a discomfort with athletics in particular (obviously there are a lot of women who enjoy playing sports however whenever I've been invited to play a sport with other guys I just never really enjoyed the idea of doing that). I'm always worrried about being percieved doing stuff typically seen as guy stuff.

To be honest, I'm just really scared. I've always felt that I've been an observer in my life and never the one directly in control and I am starting to wonder if this is the reason why. I know that there are all sorts of reasons why somebody may feel that. But if I am realy experiencing gender dysphoria, I'm just really scared of what happens next. I know that the only person who can answer this question is me, but I would love to have some advice on where to start, even if its a small thing.

[amber]

Hi Seraph!

I totally hear you on these overwhelming feelings as you discover more and more connections to the feeling of gender dysphoria or gender questioning. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to take some slow but measurable steps to 'test' your feelings. As Latha mentioned, this journey is not a sprint and taking time is nothing to be ashamed of.

How would it sound to connect with an online friend regarding your desire to try out she/her pronouns? My personal gender journey started by trying pronouns on in an environment which I knew would be excepting of my exploration - which for me was also online!

How do you feel about makeup? I ask because makeup is usually a little easier to hide/conceal and may hold less worry for you than say a dress but also can allow you to play with femininity in a creative way. No pressure, just a thought!

[Seraph]

I have thought about contacting some of my online friends and it is certainly not something I am opposed too, however I would feel like im putting a lot of weight onto them by including them in this. Also, like I mentioned earlier im worried about what they would think of me if I end up not feeling good about it. I suppose that is just a fear I have to work through.

When it comes to make up it is something I would like to try, but I dont know the first thing about it. Buying it would be tough since I dont know what to get plus I dont know where I would conceal it. I definitely dont want to take any of my mother's makeup without her permission since it belongs to her. My only other worry is about when ill put it on. I dont have a mirror in my room so I would have to do it in the bathroom unless I buy a mirror (though I really do not like looking at my reflection and I would have nowhere to put it). With all that said I would really like to try putting on some makeup, do you uave any advice on where I can start with that?

[amber]

I do understand your fear about putting some sort of burden onto your friends. My intuition is that they would be more than happy to help you! What if you tell them exactly what you are feeling - that you maybe want to try some things but do not know if they'll stick. That way there is no pressure or expectation. Are any of your friends queer themselves? If they are, I am so sure they will be understanding of your journey.

Makeup can also seem pretty intimidating but I actually think it is a much easier thing to try and hide. You do not need a whole face full of products to experiment and you can go to sooo many stores to buy products which are pretty low price. All of that makes me see makeup as lower pressure. What if you started with 1 item, like a lipgloss? It would be easy to take with you in the bathroom to try on right before you shower and no one would know besides you. How does that sound?

[Seraph]

I do have some queer friends including a few trans women (though I would feel weird asking a trans girl to help me I feel like I would be reducing them to just a trans person I can ask for help from and not a human being with their own will that just happens to be transgender). I just dont know how to approach them about something like this.

I definitely like the idea of trying lipgloss on. Next time I have the chance ill look for something at the store that feels right for me.

[amber]

Instead of jumping to conclusions about how your friends may feel you need to just ask and trust that, if they do not have the capacity, they will say no. It can be as simple as , 'hey would you be willing to talk through something personal with me?' and see where that goes.

I am so glad the lipgloss sounds like a doable step for you! You can let us know how it goes if you would like too!