Long Distance Relationship, Worth it? How to deal with it?

[incemental]

Hello everyone

Every year I go on vacation for three months and this year I met someone. I am 18 and he is 23, we've spend a lot of time with the past two months. We sort of live together and sleep together every night. When this started I considered it to be a way to have fun with someone. It was more about sex than feelings, but after a time we got quite close to the point of loving each other. He admitted to love me and and the truth is I love him back. It's been a long time since I've felt like this and this whole situation is very precious to me. We get along really well, I appreciate him as a person, and everything between us is great in general. We try new stuff, we have really good sex and at this point everything is too good to be true.

Problem is that in September we are going back home. He goes back to London and I go to Athens where I live. We have talked about it and he says that we shouldn't let this disappear, because if we have strong feelings we can keep in touch and skype and he will come and visit me anytime he can. We've got a whole month ahead but I already feel sad because I can't imagine myself waking up alone. He said that we could be in a long distance relationship but I have never done anything like this and I really don't know what it's like or how I could deal with it. Do you think its worth it?

Thanks for your time

[Heather]

You know, my experience as someone middle-aged is that long-distance relationships have gotten sooooooo much easier than they used to be, thanks to the net and mobile technologies. No more do calls mean phone bills of hundreds of dollars (and sometimes that was just for one long call where you spaced how much it cost!), or having to only communicate via calls and postal mail. Now, you've got much more affordable options for calls, email, and video chat. Staying in communication, and being able to get face-time even a continent apart, is pretty easy now, and having had long-distance relationships back in the day and fairly recently, long-distance sure has felt a lot more manageable to me.

I think the other thing to bear in mind is that this doesn't actually have to be that different from in-person dating. Obviously, you can't see each other every day (though in an in-person non-vaca relationship, you probably wouldn't, either) and sleep together every night, but this is still a very new relationship, so you can feel it out over the next few months in a similar way you would be in person. You can still get to know each other more, see how your lives do or don't work together when you aren't on holiday, and also focus more on developing communication together than you might otherwise.

Long-distance also offers some new fun ways to be together. As one example, making care packages for each other can be really fun, and offer up some great creative opportunities to build a relationship and express feelings for each other.

That all said, only you can know if it's worth it, because only you know what you feel like you're risking to try it or not. What are your pros and cons with either trying to continue this long-distance versus both of you leaving it as a short relationships had on holiday?

[Kaizen]

I'm in a long distance relationship myself, and on Tumblr I've gotten to know a lot of couples. I think that if people want to be in a relationship, it's always worth a try. If they don't stay together, it's no different than trying anything else and it not working. (And you did say you like trying new things together!) The pro and con list is a great idea, though, to figure out how you're really feeling.

There's really no "how it's like" or "how to deal with it" that's one-size-fits all. Just like any other relationship, you get to work out together how it works and what to do. About the only constant is that you do need to be able to trust your partner to remain committed to you when you're not in the same place. (Of course, like the things Heather pointed out, that's not so different from a local relationship, but people seem to think that long distance it's a bigger deal.)

There is one consideration about the future that is worth pointing out, I think. Assuming you want to live together at some point, at least one of you is going to have to move. That's something you should probably about before moving forward.

Also, ooh, Athens. Greece is the country I most want to visit someday.

[Heather]

Just to bounce off of one thing Kaizen said, my sense of why people seem to think -- for those agreeing to and wanting monogamy, I have no idea if that's something you want or he does now or later -- that distance makes breaking those agreements more likely is that they feel that if it's happening right under their nose, they'll know.

However, that just doesn't tend to square with how it goes in reality when people have sex or relationships with others outside those agreements: I'd say that more times than not, the other person still is not going to be able to discover it better just because of being in closer proximity.

And of course, any agreements we make with a partner involve us trusting them to honor those agreements, rather than figuring part of what we need to do in relationships is to police or watchdog each other's behaviour around agreements.

[Kaizen]

I like that a lot. ^

And I didn't mean to assume monogamy. I was trying to phrase it so it would accommodate both monogamy, if that's relevant, and just plain staying in the relationship.

[Heather]

(I didn't figure you were. )

[magentakitty]

I think it's totally worth it, if you both want it My husband and I were in a semi LD relationship for 3 years before we lived in close proximity for 5 months before our wedding. We both knew we loved each other and wanted it to work, so we made it work. If you both communicate often and fully, trust each other completely, and Want to be together more than anything, it can definitely work... you just have to make it work! Love takes work and commitment, but if you both want it, it's so worth it... and the distance makes it all the sweeter when there is no longer the distance! Good luck to you both!

[incemental]

Thank you all this has been really helpful, like you said, I am going to talk with him in depth and figure it out. It kind of scares me though, it seems like a big deal. Anyway thanks again, it's great I got some advise

[Heather]

So, sounds like one of the things you want to think, and then talk together, about, is what scares you here, with either of your choices.

I do want to say that if when you say it seems like a big deal, you mean that deciding to try this long-distance makes this INTO a bigger deal than you want just yet, it doesn't have to be. Just like with dating/romantic relationships where you live nearby, there's no level of serious -- or not -- long-distance relationships need to be. You still get to tailor them just like you would (and did) in-person to your own specifications, including how serious something is and what kinds of commitments or agreements you make.

[Sunshine]

I've had mostly good experiences with maintaining my relationship long-distance as well. But I know some people who say they wouldn't even give it a try. I guess it depends on what exactly having a relationship means to the people involved.

One thing must definitely be said for long-distance relationship: When we do see each other, the time seems too precious to have petty quarrels or just go about our business in each others presence. It's like dating in a way, we really focus on each other and how nice it is to be together.

I suppose the same is true for relationships as they say about parenting: it's quality time, not absolute time together that counts.

[Kaizen]

Sunshine, it's funny what you bring up as some of the best things about a long distance relationship are some of the hardest things for me! I hate feeling compelled to not bring up a problem because I don't want to 'ruin' a visit. And I'm an introvert so it's hard to spend all my time with anybody over a matter of days, so there has to be at least a bit of time where we do our own things.

I guess it just goes to show how all relationships are different due to the people in them.