Scarleteen

Hello,

I am a teenage guy who is with a girl that he really likes. We are not having sex yet but are doing everything else. I don't know of a word that means "an assortment of sexual activities minus intercourse" so I am just saying sex in this question to make things simpler. Both my partner and I really enjoy making the other person feel good during sex. It is a huge turn-on for both of us, and it is both of our top priorities during sex. We have good communication and have both learned what the other person likes so sex can be really great.

Heres the issue. She has had some not great experiences in the past which means that she is usually uncomfortable with being touched. This leads to really unbalanced sex where I end up finishing and she gets almost no attention at all. When she is in a good headspace everything runs smoothly and the sex is fantastic. When things are unbalanced I feel personally disappointed (because making her feel good makes me feel good), I feel disappointed in myself (because I believe sex should be about both people feeling good), and she ends up feeling bad because I feel bad.

I feel like I can't say no to unbalanced sex because she enjoys making me feel good. I feel like I can't push for balanced sex because that would just be a dick move. How do I deal with this situation? How do I deal with sexual trauma in general? To lighten up a heavy post, any low budget bdsm scene tips would be appreciated.

Thank you for your help

Hey Cathandly,

First, let me say that it sounds like the two of you are navigating this well so far -- I'm glad that you're both communicating bravely around what feels good and safe during sex and what doesn't.

There are a few different pieces here that are all important to your sexual health and happiness:
1) how she experiences sex, pleasure, and safety;
2) how you experience sex, pleasure, and safety;
3) how these things feel and act differently when they come together during partnered sex.

I feel like this advice column about navigating sex and sexuality after trauma can be helpful to address 1 & 3. I'm not sure if she has any other supports in navigating how she feels about sex, e.g. a therapist or counselor, but giving her time when she isn't in the middle of/about to have sex to assess how she might build up to sex safely will be really helpful, if that's not something you're already doing.

Creating a safe word, for example, and talking about the kinds of touch that feel good versus bad/triggering is a great place to start. It may also be helpful to her to decenter orgasm as the ultimate goal of sex, and instead set other goals that feel more achievable when she is having a tough sex day. Maybe when she is not up to receptive sex acts, you can give her a massage, kiss her, hold her, or find other ways that she enjoys being intimate.

Doing these intimate & sweet things for her may also help you to feel more balanced and less like you are the only one "receiving" something during sex -- and there's #2! You as her partner can align with the things that make her feel good depending on the day and her mindset, and then you can feel better knowing that you've given her what she wants.

For good measure, here are some of our other great articles/columns on healing from sexual trauma:
How do I figure out if I want to have sex? (Post-trauma)
I'm a sexual abuse survivor: how do I get okay being intimate again?

Okay, now to low-budget BDSM tips! I love the phrase low-budget BDSM, but I'm not sure what you mean -- do you want to create BDSM tools on a budget, in a DIY-sort of way? Or do you want the quick-and-dirty guide to BDSM? Our BDSM tag is also always there when you need it!