Hello, some advice would be appreciated please

[princesspeach]

Hi Scarleteam, I hope you all had a lovely break! I certainly did but have recently returned to work.

Thank you Heather, I think I might try both. It's weird - I fluctuate between thinking I'm absolutely fine and don't need to speak to anyone else, to being totally not fine.

I think I'll talk to my team leader person tomorrow about what is offered through my work. She offered to go with me, and I feel like it's something I could definitely use her support for. When I told my team leader about this, I felt like I was so brave. I wonder why I feel like I'm weak, having to speak to someone else about it? :/

[Sam W]

Hi Princesspeach,

Glad to hear you have some supportive people already To your question, part of what you're feeling around seeking help is likely a piece of a bigger pattern of your emotions and thoughts trying to settle themselves after what happened. That's something many survivors describe dealing with. There's also a lot of cultural messages floating around about how needing help is a sign of weakness. Those messages are a big load of B.S, but they can get into your brain and pop up at unhelpful moments.

[princesspeach]

Hi Sam, thank you for your response! What you said makes sense - and while the feeling of being weak for seeking help keeps cropping up (funny how I encourage seeking professional help and care to friends in need and certain clients, but I feel differently when it comes to myself), I'll try to put these feelings to one side for now as it hasn't happened yet.

Today was another bad day. I've always known about the concept of feeling 'triggered', but I never really felt like I've experienced feeling it until today. Today I was alone at lunch with my friend who is the flatmate of the guy who did this, and he kept talking about what a great guy he is, and other nice things about him. Luckily I had to return to work so I had an excuse to escape - but I felt so sick and shaky afterward. I couldn't really shake it. I honestly never even considered this as something that would upset me. I see this friend everyday, do you have any advice as to how to streer the conversation away from the topic if it ever comes up again? Or even how to cope with it being talked about in front of me if it happens again?

After this happened, I spoke to my team leader-y person. She was again quite supportive and understanding. She is going to look at support options offered through our work and come with me if I see someone. While I still felt quite shaky after what had happened, it did make me feel a bit better.

[Heather]

By all means, having to listen to someone describe someone who has done us harm as great is pretty much always awful, and if that harm/trauma is recent, it will tend to create trauma cues.

You have a few options with something like this, and which you choose is really just about what feels best for you, and what feels most likely to help YOU.

You can:
- Say that this person has done you harm, actually, so you don't want to talk about how great they are (and you don't have to say what that harm is: if asked, you can always say that's private), and would prefer everyone picked another topic.
- You can try to just shift the topic yourself without disclosing your discomfort.
- You can just excuse yourself from the space and conversation (and then maybe go take care of yourself in some way).
- You can just ask this friend to please not talk about this guy around you. Again, you don't have to disclose why, you can say that's private, and that's a limit that should be respected.
- You can think about if this is a friend you can be around right now while he is living with this person: it might be that at least for now, you need to steer clear of anyone who is friends with this guy to give yourself space and room to feel safe.

[princesspeach]

Thanks for that Heather, just an update on what's been happening. I ended up doing a couple of the things you suggested - I haven't disclosed specifically but one of the friends who knows told him not to mention the guy again (around the group), and kind of really strongly hinted that harm was done by this person. I've also been a bit careful in making sure that I'm not alone with my friend right now. So that part has been okay.

Things have been pretty settled this week, so I think I'll use this as an opportunity to maybe look into booking an appointment with the support my work offers. After considering both this and the hotline, I think I'll look into this first as it's something I really want my team leader to be there with me for. I figure if it doesn't work out, there's always the hotline option

When the time comes to actually going to the appointment, I know I'll feel scared and nervous (even the thought of actually calling to make the appointment makes me feel sick). Is it alright if I discuss those feelings/options here when the time comes?

Also, I just wanted to thank everyone for your help thus far! I honestly don't know what I would have done/how I would've coped with this if I hadn't had all of your support and advice!

[Sam W]

Hi Princesspeach,

Thank you for the update, and glad hear some suggestions have been working

And yes, you can absolutely discuss those anxious feelings around making and going to the appointment here. We'd be happy to offer what advice we can.

[princesspeach]

Hi Scarleteam, it's been a little while!

I've been extremely busy at work, which has kept me occupied, but now things are starting to calm down (workwise, anyways). There are good days and a few bad days, today was a bad day. I talked to the colleague that knows about what happened about it, and she's still willing to come with me to an appointment of the counselling that is offered through my work. I think I'm ready to do it, but I'm also so scared. What this also involves is telling my team manager (who is now back).

I guess what I'm asking for is a) advice on how to deal with how anxious and scared I'm feeling about this all (even though I'm sure I want to do this), b) maybe some suggestions on what to say when I make the appointment, and (c) suggestions on what I say to my team manager about this? I don't want to disclose what happened but I will have to tell her where myself and my colleague will be going, seeing as it'll be during work hours. Thanks so much for all your help, and sorry for asking for a lot!!

[Sam W]

Hi Princesspeach,

High five for continuing to pursue that counseling! As far as stress goes, planning some self-care for after work that day might help, as it will put a plan in place to help you cope with anxiety of the day. Too, it might help to outline for yourself what you want to say to the counselor when you see them. That can help you feel more prepared, which can often lower the anxiety around counseling appointments.

When you say you're wondering what to say when making the appointment, do you mean you're looking for ways to explain your reason for it that don't require you to tell the person scheduling you the details?

With your team manager, something like, "I have an appointment with this person on this day and time to discuss a personal matter. Coworker will be coming with me for support." That's all the information they need, and you've done your due diligence by letting them know.

[princesspeach]

Thanks for the advice re self-care and telling my manager Sam! Will definitely take both on board, will let you know how it goes

I guess so, yeah. Do you think they'll ask me the reason why I'm making the appointment? I keep going to do it, but I can't seem to make myself dial. I just keep kinda staring at it :/ I think knowing what to say/expect may help. I know there's only so much you can guesstimate about it though!!

[Sam W]

You're welcome!

It's possible they'll ask you over the phone your reason for making the appointment. If they do, and you're not comfortable saying explicitly why you're going, you can give a general answer about how you're dealing with the fall-out from a difficult personal situation or something like that.

[princesspeach]

I made the appointment now all that's left is to tell the manager and then actually go.

I was talking to my colleague today about all the anxieties I have about actually going; I've never actually seen a counselor before. I'm a bit afraid to be honest, like will she make me talk about everything on the first day? Will she tell me I'm silly for making such a big deal out of what happened? I know these fears are pretty unfounded, but I can't help but feel anxious. Do you have any suggestions about how to deal with these thoughts? She said it's best to focus on one thing at a time, but as it draws near (appt is next week), I can't help the nervousness.

I definitely have some self care planned for afterward

[Sam W]

Right on! That's a huge step in taking care of yourself.

This article covers a lot of the questions you have about what therapy or counseling generally looks like: Process This: Getting the Most Out of Therapy . It's not uncommon for survivors to worry that a counselor might dismiss them, but any decent counselor is no going to do that. I think going in assuming that you'll be listened to is the way to go (if for no other reason than it can help with your anxiety). If it does come about that they don't believe you, we can help you work through what to do next.

[princesspeach]

Thanks for the article it helped.

So I went along today. It was okay, but I didn't really understand some of what happened. The counselor kept pausing and looking at me after she would say something, which made me feel awkward. My friend thinks she might've been trying to gauge my reaction/trying to figure out how best to respond to me, but I just felt awkward and didn't know how to fill the silence. I know there's no obvious way of knowing why she did this outside of asking her directly, but do you think that my friend was on the right track in thinking that that was what the counselor was trying to do?

She also asked me to talk about what I could've done differently that night. I've thought about it a thousand times, but for some reason felt a bit uncomfortable talking about it. I don't know if I'm supposed to express this, or if talking it out is supposed to help, but should I mention that it's not something I find that helpful, and don't feel that comfortable saying? I know from the article it's about finding someone who's the right fit but I'm not sure how much to say/challenge if she brings it up.

Thanks as always

[Jacob]

Hi princesspeach,

As someone who has helped people thinking through their issues, I really appreciate it when they tell me what will or won't help them. So it could be really positive telling them what you feel uncomfortable with. Remember they are a proffessional doing a job so it's not their role to get offended but rather to use the information they get to give the best care they can.

The 'pauses' are also probably an attempt to give you space to talk. Sometimes in every-day conversation we just fill-in all the space with side-comments or jokes or things like that, but in therapy it's more about the client being heard, so letting there silence gives you a chance to think about how you want to say your thoughts.

By all means ask your therapist about that though! They may have different motivations for taking that tactic, or it could be something they are doing unintentionally and could help them to help you to know it can make you feel uncomfortable.

[princesspeach]

Hi Jacob, thanks for the advice, I'll keep that in mind

I did have another question. My next appointment was on Thursday, and there are a few things I want to address/ask her about. My question is, is it alright to have a sort of plan of what I want to talk about, and effectively drive the conversations toward that? Or am I supposed to let her lead the conversation? I'm sorry if this is a silly/obvious thing to ask!!

Also, I told my friend (whose ex-flatmate did this) on Friday. I was drunk and he helped me and it all kind of came tumbling out; luckily he is supportive. I was so worried about him thinking badly of me, especially as it was his friend, but he told me not to be silly and that he would never think of me any differently or badly for something that wasn't my fault. So I guess that went pretty well

[Sam W]

Hi Princesspeach,

Those are great questions. It's a great idea to have some thoughts about what you'd like to discuss with her. The dynamics will vary from counselor to counselor, but if you ask to talk about certain things, they'll generally be happy to let you do so. If your counselor seems hesitant to let you steer, you can ask for clarification as to why.

I'm so glad to hear telling your friend went well, and that he's being supportive of you. You're managing to build a "team you" bit by bit, and that's great.

[princesspeach]

Hi Scarleteam!

Quite a bit has happened since the last post. Firstly, I told my manager more-or-less the gist of what happened (not the specifics of the night, but enough). She has been extremely supportive, almost overwhelmingly so. I never expected her to be so supportive. I also told another close friend on the weekend, he too is extremely supportive, which is great. I don't know why I'm always so surprised that people are supportive, but I am. I wonder if it's normal to expect the worst possible reaction?

Secondly, the appointments. I went to three, as was offered through work. I now have to take further steps (get a referral through a GP or something of the like) to be receiving continuous sessions. I haven't done this yet, but my manager is really wanting me to get that process started, and has offered to do as much of it as she can so I don't have to deal with it. I just can't really bring myself to though, which I don't understand myself. I've been pretty up and down at work, and I did find those short 3 sessions somewhat helpful, but the thought of having to go to someone new, tell them what happened all over again, have my work friend come with me and inconvenience her further and just generally put myself through that again just makes me not want to. I wish I could, because I don't want to let people down. Is there something wrong with me? Any tips for getting out of the rut? :/

[Karyn]

I'm so glad to hear your manager and your friend have been so supportive! Having more people in your corner is a good thing. Per expecting the worst possible reaction, it's not uncommon, in part because we live in a culture where victim-blaming is so very prevalent: people who have been sexually assaulted are frequently not believed or told it was somehow their fault, and so getting a supportive response is rarer than it should be and indeed often a surprise, sadly.

In terms of seeking out longer-term counselling, it's understandable that you don't want to have to go through the process of explaining everything again to someone new. Seeking out help after trauma can be exhausting and sometimes it just feels easier not to. What I'm hearing in your last paragraph too is that while your manager might mean well, her insistence might be a bit too much for you to deal with right now: does that sound about right? If so, might it help to mention to her that you appreciate her help but it's starting to feel a bit like pressure?

[princesspeach]

That makes sense. While I'm not glad to hear that this is the case, I'm glad I'm not crazy for expecting those kinds of reactions.

That does sound about right. I also feel like I'm letting her down if I don't want to do this right now, but I really don't feel up to going through all of that again just yet. I plan to do so at some point, but not yet :/ I feel like I'm kind of stuck in a rut; while I feel like it'd probably help (I do have up and down days), I also don't want to have to do it all again.

But yeah, I definitely feel like it'd help to say so. Is there any advice you could give me about how to say this, or even how to bring it up?

As always, thanks for all your help thus far team!!

[Sam W]

One option would be to explain it to her in a similar way to how you explained it to us: that you do plan on doing it, but you feel it's best to hold off for a little bit (you can give a little more detail if you want, but I do think you're obligated to).

With feeling stuck in a rut, if you do think counseling would help right now, there is something you could try. You could let the counselor know early on that you're not ready to dig into the details of what happened and explain it all again. Most therapists, especially ones who know anything about trauma or working with survivors, will not push you to talk about the event itself until you're ready. They can help you with the fallout of the event without knowing the details of the event itself.

[princesspeach]

Hi Sam,

I think that might work, I think I'll say something like that. She's also always telling me that if she's being too pushy, I can say so. I don't want her to stop supporting me though; I guess that's what I'm worried about here.

I never thought about it that way. I think I'd be comfortable starting out that way. Could I really do that? Would they not find it difficult to help with the fallout without knowing the details of the initial event?

[princesspeach]

Hi all, just another update and a couple of questions if that's okay

So since my last post, I've told a couple of friends, but more importantly told my doctor; my manager found out that I can receive free counselling if referred by my doctor (who files a claim on my behalf), so I mentioned it when I was in for a knee injury and got that done.

That has all been processed, and my manager helped me find a counsellor and called on my behalf to make an appointment. I got really anxious after this as I was sitting there processing what had happened so she went and got my other workmate/other support person at work, and while both were sitting there talking to me and calming me down, I asked that workmate to come with me. My manager was amazing and discussed this process with us (as it's during a work day), but I keep worrying that I've offended her a bit by not asking her instead. I think it's my brain just being silly and anxious over nothing, as she's shown no signs of feeling this way whatsoever, but I feel like I need an outsider's opinion; do you think she would be feeling that way?

I plan to use all that I've learned here to help me find the best fitting therapist for me, but I am a bit worried. I have to disclose a certain amount of detail at the first session in order to check eligibility to have the continious free sessions and things like that, but that scares me. I guess what I'm asking is what you all think the amount of detail/itty gritty I may have to get into, so that I can prepare myself? I have no idea what I'll say.

Thank you in advance, and sorry for the long and confusing post!

[Sam W]

Hi Princesspeach,

Thank you for the update, and I'm glad to hear your manager continues to be so supportive! And that you've got a way to access counseling for free. Since you asked for an outsiders perspective, it doesn't sounds like she's offended in the slightest.

Do you know what kinds of details or information is needed to receive eligibility? As in, does it sound like they're using symptoms or fallout to determine eligibility rather than the event that created those symptoms?

[princesspeach]

Thanks for that Sam. I think me worrying about her feeling that way is just some of that anxiety coming in to play, but my other workmate has said the same thing so I'm comfortable thinking that she is not offended at all.

I called up the health care provider in my country, who was a bit perplexed by the wording the counselor used; the counselor doesn't actually determine eligibility, the case manager assigned to me reads the counselor's notes and determines this (i.e. how many months/years the sessions will last for, etc.). From what I was told on the phone the other day, it's more to do with fallout/symptoms. She specifically said that the counselor is to determine the extent of "mental injury" that has been done.

Still freaking out a wee bit, as appointment's on Monday. Any thoughts would be appreciated

[Sam W]

That sounds like a fairly standard process (the case manager deciding the length of treatment is a little odd to me , but that may be a difference between countries more than anything else). My advice would be to be as honest and open as you can (sometimes people will try and downplay the effects of an assault, for various reasons) so that counselor gets a good picture of where you are right now and what kind of support you need.

Is that main source of anxiety about the appointment, or are there other things about it that are stressing you out?