Assault?

[Alice O]

Hey carot18,

What great advice and wisdom you just gave yourself! Nice to witness that

To repeat exactly what you just said, it is hard to put a timeline on healing. You are doing a lot right now to take care of yourself and process this, from going to therapy and to the women's center to journaling. And that is all you can ask of yourself!

I am wondering if there is another time that you can think of when you were struggling to move through something, where it took a lot of time and work but you eventually got to a better place? Even if it is totally different from this situation, I think remembering those lived experiences can help remind us that even if we can't see *how* we are going to cross the river, we will eventually find ourselves on the other side of it. Does that make sense? It also makes me think of this great illustration by Mari Andrew that says "What It Looks Like Now" with a twisting and turning scribble, and then "What It Will Look Like in Hindsight" with a beautiful paved road.

You will get there carot!

[carot18]

Thank you, Alice! It’s hard because I go through bouts of doubt and wondering if it really was an accident even though I know it really wasn’t. That does make sense; I’m going to try to think about a time. I just think most the stuff I’ve gotten over has taken a long time, so it makes me sad to know that this will too.

[Alice O]

Mmm that makes a lot of sense. So maybe instead you could reflect on what those healing journeys have been like? To remind yourself that a lot changes even before we feel we have "gotten over it." For example, even before we get there we might start feeling less doubt and more acceptance, or we might start feeling a bit more grounded or stable, or we might find ourselves having more happy or joyful moments. Remembering that things will keep improving with time, and that even amidst a tough time there can be really good moments, can help us to move through the hard period. Does this feel like something that resonates for you? Obviously only pursue this line of reflection if it feels helpful!

[carot18]

That does seem helpful, thank you alice! I think I might journal a little about that tonight.

[carot18]

I've really been struggling over the last little bit. I've started having flashbacks about him coming inside me. I worry now that I dissociated more and I'm going to remember more happened in a few months. I recently found out I could report this information to his university without requesting an investigation at the moment. They could go ahead and investigate if he was seen as a greater threat to the community, but I could decide if I wanted to be involved with that or not. I just keep thinking back to that yahoo comment about how I would ruin his life and how this is my fault. My counselor and therapist and most of my friends all think this is valid and I should give the information, but I can't help but feel like they wouldn't find anything and I'd just be left where I am now or worse. I just can't help but feel like if this wasn't a big deal I wouldn't have this video of him coming inside me playing in my head and I wouldn't feel this bad or have been so worried about pregnancy this summer. And then I just feel crazy. I don't know what to do

[Heather]

I think it is very clear that you were assaulted, which *is* a big deal, and also, as is usually the case when people have been assaulted or otherwise abused, you were traumatized and are dealing with post-traumatic reactions and responses now. There's nothing "crazy" about any of that: that is all, unfortunately, completely real.

I'm sorry that you are feeling this way and that you continue to have this intrude upon your life and your psyche. Personally as a survivor, I know that to me always felt like one of the biggest injustices and hardest things to accept: that people who did me intentional harm could effectively keep doing it afterwards without even having to life a finger, and outside my control. It's very hard to deal with, especially at first.

It sounds like you'd like to get some help from us with making this choice about reporting. If so, maybe you could start by listing what you think the possible benefits for you could be, as well as what could be detrimental, or not benefit you, in reporting?

[carot18]

Hi Heather,

It's really hard to deal with and the flashbacks make it worse. I'm leaning towards just writing out everything that happened and giving it to his university and then seeing if they want to conduct an investigation. I think that would be if he had more complaints than just me. I don't know, do you think that would be okay? Or do you think it would be more problematic?

[Heather]

This really should be -- I think -- all about what you want to do, and what you think will be best for you, as well as what you can handle.

By all means, you can't control the outcome of reporting, and one possibility is that nothing will come of it. It seems to me that that's the real part of this, from the sounds of things, you just want to make sure you're okay with. It does sound like you're starting to get a good support system going, so it seems clear you'd have emotional support if that happens, which usually helps a lot. And on the other hand, you may well get some of the justice you are seeking, and may wind up feeling validated and more resolved by reporting, and the act of doing it all by itself may help you feel more in control.

Like I said, there are always going to be pros and cons with this, like just about anything, so it's all about getting a sense of what they might be in a given situation, and then making your choices based on what you think will be best for you; will have more things in the "pro" column than the "con" one. Know what I mean?

[carot18]

I think I want to use the option of just providing the information and letting them ask the equal opportunity and compliance representative if his university has any questions for me. I just don't think I'm going to ask for an investigation at this point, but this doesn't close that door for me if I ever wanted to ask for that on my own. My counselor/advocate said I can't blame myself if this happens to someone else, but it's hard not to. I don't want anyone else to feel like this. I do have a great support system which is super helpful. I might make a pro and con list; I think that could really help!

[Heather]

I agree with what your counselor and advocate says. By all means, it's great when reporting, or anything else a survivor does for themselves, can also help protect other people. But ultimately, your job, as it were, is to take care of yourself here the most. So, if there's anything you could do that could protect other people, but that you don't feel up to, don't think you could handle, or which doesn't also help you, it is always totally okay not to do whatever that is.

I support you in the choices you're looking at making. It sounds, so far, like you are feeling pretty clear about what you want to do, and I'd encourage you to trust your own instincts in this. One thing any kind of sexual abuse or assault can do to us is to make us second-guess ourselves more, even though it's never our fault. It can help, if you're in that spot, I find, to remind yourself that you can be trusted in your own gut feelings and your own choices.

[carot18]

Thank you so much! I really appreciate the support! I hope it all goes okay.

[Heather]

Of course! Know we're al rooting for you over here. Feel free to pop in for more support anytime.