I have Vaginismus and hate it

[babooshka-ya-ya]

Hello Scarleteam, I'm M., I'm a transgender boy, and I'll turn 14 in less than a month. I recently found out that I have Vaginismus.
I was pleasuring myself, and when I attempted to insert a finger in my opening, it was like there was a wall preventing it. It wasn't the hymen (I checked). The walls were completely clenched. No way to enter.

It sucks knowing that I won't be able to enjoy sex life when I'll be older. I know penetration isn't the only way to do it, but society made it seem like it is. And I hate it.
I feel like I'm broken, like I'm built wrong, like a toy with factory defect. Some nights I cry because of it, I cry in secret because Gods forbid my parents know about this; I don't have a good relationship with my mum and I don't talk so often to her about my personal issues. My dad is a good person but this isn't the type of person I'd talk of this, y'know?

I would really like to get this problem of mine fixed, but I'm not 18 yet so I can't buy any tool or something to help me get treated, and I could not tell my mum that I want to see a gynecologist.

Sorry for any mistakes in English (it isn't my 1st language) but please help me. I would want some help or advice.
Thanks,
M.

[Sam W]

Hi babooshka-ya-ya,

This sounds like a really stressful (and painful) situation! I do want to say that, even if this is vaginismus, that doesn't make you like a broken toy. Our bodies react to things in all sorts of ways, for all sorts of reasons, and none of those reactions mean we're somehow built wrong.

Pain while trying to insert something into the vaginal canal has a lot of potential causes, vaginismus among them. The way to know for certain what's going on is to visit a gynecologist. Would you like to talk about ways you might be able to do that without your parents help? Or do you want to brainstorm some ways you could maybe approach one of them about this? Too, do you sense your mom would react badly to this conversation because of the existing tension between you two, or is there something more specific she'd be upset by?

[Heather]

I do want to pipe in and make clear that vaginismus is something that we can't usually self-diagnose, and isn't as simple as what you're describing. I don't mean to diminish your feelings and fears, by any means, but there are a lot of reasons for difficulties with vaginal entry, and vaginismus is a specific diagnosis, rather than a general umbrella term, if you get me. And, as Sam mentioned, even in the event that is what it is, it does not mean that a person with it cannot enjoy vaginal intercourse at some point if that's something they want to do. Vaginismus is by no means incurable. <3

(By the by, I must ask! Is your handle based on the Kate Bush song with that same chorus?)

[babooshka-ya-ya]

First of all, thanks for your support. I needed it.

Also, I tried to ask to my mum something like "At what age I am gonna have my first gynecologist visit?", she said that when we will be able to go outside, I'll get checked. She specified the gynecologist might want to see my breasts, do an ecography and, possibly maybe, will look at my vulva (she still said the doctor might just check, not put anything inside). I tried to be as vague as possible, and I won't bring this up anymore in recent times, in order to not be suspicious.

Nothing is still certain, but I still do have the problem, which could be vaginismus or something else, perhaps just tension. I hadn't got the "birds and the bees" until I was 9, and mum still told me a pretty tame, conservative and kinda poor explaination. I learned the rest of it on the internet (against my will). As a kid, that did shock me, but as I grew older I didn't think much of it. Penetration problems can also come from psychological factors, I know, so maybe my strict upbringing could be one of the reasons.
My mother doesn't even know that I masturbate (or maybe she does and doesn't want to tell me). But I wouldn't talk about that with her, I don't see the reason.
As of now it is clear that I have problems with penetration, the fear of my mum and her reaction isn't part of my worries anymore. I just have a huge stress about my future and my sex life- that is, if I'll be able to live a good one. Everytime I see sex mentioned somewhere, I know I won't be able to enjoy it for long, and I feel bad.

(P.S. yep! Kate Bush is my favourite musician)

[Heather]

One of mine as well, since back in the 80s. I am forever here if you want the stress relief of geeking out on all things Kate.How delightful!

So, you know, whether or not this is something a body can or can't do, having sex with vaginal entry isn't what determines whether or not people have good -- or even great -- sexual lives. In fact, what body parts people have and what they can do with them aren't usually big factors in that at all. We have a lot of studies by now on people who have had great sexual lives (including some over a lifetime, having just finished working on something new for older people, I've spent a bunch of time with my nose buried in the work of people like Peggy Kleinplatz who focus on almost nothing but). We know that that's determined by things like people being good at sexual communication, being open to experimenting, being responsive to each other with what's said or asked for, good aftercare and things like that than what abilities bodies do or don't have.

So, even in the unlikely event you had a body which couldn't engage in vaginal sex like that, that would likely be no impediment whatsoever to a great sexual life unless you made it one, I absolutely assure you.

But I do think that going there is very premature. You know you've got stress and worry around this, which already plays a big part in it happening. It also sounds like you don't live somewhere where you feel particularly free to explore all this. Sometimes having a trans identity can also complicate stuff like this. You're thinking about this catastrophically, and I don't see any reason you need to. If, in your twenties, after years of having the space to explore things and trying a range of things to make this happen you find it isn't happening for you, then it'll make more sense to start considering it just might not be a thing that's going to be right for you. But boy, are you far away from that, you know?

What do you feel like you might need to worry about this less?