boyfriend issue?

[ceciliaxe]

Hello!! I go by my middle name cecilia and its nice to meet everyone who reads this!
so i have a boyfriend he is 17 and really lovely! We have been dating for awhile and its been going well until now
hes been saying some sour things tome about my weight, i was average but hes constantly saying i need to lose loads of weight which hurts a little and he takes my food away and im losing too much weight but he calls me beautiful and it makes me feel happy
Thouugh recently he has crossed my boundaries by trying to make me do intimate stuff with him and no matter how much I push his hand away he always manages to touch me and idk more stuff i guess ehhhh not important?
hes saying its normal and i think it is too because you know, 'a girlfriend gotta give' is what he and his friend said

if anyone could weigh in please? when my mum is back in town i will probably mention it because shes always supportive

[Elise]

Hi there Cecilia and welcome to Scarleteen. I'm sorry to hear that your boyfriend has been behaving in this way to you: whilst you mention at first that he is "lovely" the way that he is behaving towards you, In terms of the way he is trying to control your weight, eating and coerce you into sexual things you're not wanting to do and crossing your bounderies is not at all okay, in fact it is sounding like a very unsafe situation for you.

I must also note that as you are 13, and he is 17, and the age of consent in Germany is 14, even if you were to want to undertake sexual activities with him, then it would be statutory rape, which is a really serious crime. Furthermore, even if you were over 14, coercing someone to undertake sexual activity is a kind of of sexual assault, and the type of actions you are describing your boyfriend are falling into that kind of behaviour - they are definitely not normal or okay.

This can be really heavy to hear, so I am glad to hear that you are going to tell your Mum about this, and that she is a supportive person in your life - I wouldn't wait until she is back physically in town: if you can talk to her about it on the phone/video call, or to another adult you trust about it who can support you through standing up to your boyfriend and reevaluating the safety of your relationship, this is something you should do. Is there someone like that you can talk to/could you call your Mum?

Here are a few articles that I would like you to read and let us know what you think of what they are saying. Would you feel comfortable doing that? It's okay if you need some time to take them in, it can be a bit to read all at once.

• Does Your Relationship Need a Checkup?
• Safer Sex... for your heart
• Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For

If you'd like to talk this through more privately or in real-time, we also have a chat service that is open at certain times of day, you can see info about it here: Live Chat

[ceciliaxe]

helo elise!! thanks so much for talking to me!
i didnt realise how serious it was, though he says its what girlfriends have to do and i want to make him happy,,, are you like 100% sure because im really sure i have to 'give out' aaa sorry idk he tells me i have to

, i have every other daily face time with my mum so i will bring it up there (which is today!) though he is a close family friend so i fear her reaction. though i love my mum lots and i am sure she will help me i hope.

i dont thinks the other stuff is important to talk through i dont think he would want me to either but really thank you for the offer aa you are really very sweet! i will of course check out those things you mentioned thank you what a helpful!!
i really thought no one would see this, its nice to have an outside perspective

[Urna]

Hello Cecilia,

I read through your thread, and I must echo Elise: it is 100% not OK that he coerces you into sexual activity, and it's absolutely not true that that's what girlfriends "have to do". Him telling you that you have to do stuff you don't want to do is sexual assault, like Elise said. What he's doing is completely messed up, and you should never have had to go through it. And I'm sorry to push, but if you're comfortable with it, please don't hesitate to share the "other stuff" that you said your boyfriend wouldn't want you to share. If he wouldn't want you to share it, it's probably because it's something that is not normal or safe to do in a relationship--something that an outsider would recognize as being messed up. Does that make sense?

If you've spoken to your mom today--how did the conversation go? Did she respond supportively?

[ceciliaxe]

hello urna!! its lovely to meet you!
thank you for letting me know too, my call with my mum is in a little bit and ill update to see how it goes !!!

um, well theres a few things that he tels me not to say or mention but im not sure i should say them all because well i dont want to break his trust but there is one i really just dont like but its normal I think? he says all relationships do it
so um when we are like kissing i guess he like
sorry i just dont know how to explain it? he tries to choke me?? and like touches me even when i tell him to back off and hes like tried to um like put his fingers in well like you know ?? i think?? hes done it a few time and it really hurts when he puts it in ew im sorry i feel gross and im sorry if im making you uncomfortable with this,,
it really upsets me because he just doesnt stop when i tell him to! he did this last night and ive not spoken to him since because im just so mad at him is this normal? do other couples do this? im not talking about the other things because its too much and i think im uncomfortable with remembering it if thats okay with you?

though one thing else is i really dont like how i look anymore, but hes calling me beautiful and the best ive ever looked but ive just lost a lot of weight and im just too skinny ish? im not bony but i look different but he really thinks i look better 'with a thigh gap and a flat stomach' even though i already had those! hes making them freaking worse!!! it just upsets me and i know that that part is not healthy,,

i took a look at elises links and article things! ive realised he is crossing a lot my boundaries and hes being 'manipulative' is whative also separately looked up. im thinking of breaking it off with him though im going to get help from my mum first and also do some more research on it

thanks so much for helping me! i like this enviroment ) you seem very lovely !! sorry if this takes awhile to come through, it needs to be approved first!

[Mo]

It's certainly okay if you don't want to remember or talk about everything he's done; it sounds like a lot of this is very upsetting. We only want you to share details here that you feel comfortable sharing with us.

I do want to be very clear that these things you're describing, and that he's saying are part of every relationship, are not at all a part of a normal or healthy relationship. As Urna and Elise said above, continuing to touch you when you've said no is sexual assault. He's not demonstrating any care or kindness to you here, and to be honest he doesn't sound like someone who's safe for you to be around. We'd certainly agree that breaking things off with him is going to be the best and safest thing for you right now, and if you'd like to talk about how to best go about doing that, that's something we'd be happy to talk about.

I don't want to overwhelm you with too much information, but since this guy is clearly not respecting or caring about your consent, I wanted to give you this link to an article that talks about what healthy consent does look like, and the sort of consideration you could expect with a partner who's showing that they care about you, your boundaries, and your comfort: Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent.

[ceciliaxe]

hello mo! its lovely to meet you!
thanks for the links so much! ill look into it of course

though im sure its not really sexual assault right? its just like, idk sorry
i feel like im sharing too much immm sorry (
i think i should stop, im so sorry im sure i will be fine i just think this is too much for you and im just burdening you im sorry
i just feel you know like its not even that big of a deal right? im sorry im just nervous I guess

[Mo]

I hope talking to your mom tonight goes well. Thanks for talking with me about your situation in chat today.
And just to be clear, nothing you're saying here is too much for us, or is a burden. This is exactly what we're here to talk about and help with, so there's no need to worry or apologize for asking us any of these questions.

[ceciliaxe]

hi i had a talk wih my mum about it and she was worried about me but also a little dismissive
though she said she would do her best to help me when she gets home )

[Sofi]

Oh I'm glad you got a chance to talk to her. Dismissive how? And how are you feeling after your conversation?

[ceciliaxe]

hello sofi!! its nice to meet you!!
she was kind of like idk like "oh thats not good, im sure its nothing too big or something we cant work out between us though. when im back in town we will see what we can do."

something along those lines not dismissive though? i guess aa i feel better after knowing my mum isnt mad at me

[Sofi]

Nice to meet you too! <3
And I can see how that can seem dismissive, for sure. I'm glad she's not mad at you, but I want you to know that I echo Mo, Urna and Elise in saying that what he does to you does count as sexual assault. It seems like you got a chance to chat with Mo on our chat platform, so I don't want to sound repetitive. I'll say, though, regarding your mom's reaction- it's certainly possible that she just didn't know what else to say at the moment and needed time to process everything. What he puts you through is not okay and the relationship is not healthy, so it might have been hard for your mom to hear and respond to. So, give her some time and see what happens when she's back in town. In the meantime, though, please take what we've all said into consideration. We have your best interest in mind and don't want you in an unsafe situation.

[ceciliaxe]

thanks sofi!! its a little difficult to comprehend that he hurt me because he was so loving and i completey get that my mum might take awhile to process !! he has been a really close family friend to us for years now so she might be like shockdd he could do that i guess?? Aa

[Sam W]

You're right that shock could certainly be playing a role; when people find out someone the like or trust is capable of abuse, it can be really jarring. But at a certain point, her feelings about it need to be something she manages on her own, rather than making you deal with. Just in the same way her discomfort or surprise ought to come second when it comes to making sure you're safe, you know?

[Girll18]

Hi @ceciliaxe ,
To be honest i would agree to what urna , sam, sofi and all other volunteers tell.
I also have a partner and as u mentioned about choking it really isnt that normal unkess n until u agree to your partner about it that you dont have a problem with it. But continuing the action even though you denying it is really not okay in a relationship or with a stranger any which ways.