Polyamory

[keszj]

I've been dating this guy for a few months, we were friends beforehand. we're both 17. i really really like him, hes hot, hes funny he makes me so happy and i love being around him. but the problem is i think im poly or something. i kind of just want to have casual sex with other people. weve talked about this and he is not okay with me doing this. but i can't stop thinking about it. i feel awful that im thinking about cheating on him but i also feel awful not being able to do it.

our relationship is pretty much perfect otherwise. i really love him and being around him and such so i really don't want to break up with him. but is it the right thing to do? am i wrong if i keep dating him when i know i cant be how he wants me to be?

also even if we were to break up I'd feel too awful sad and guilty to even kiss anyone else also it would ruin my friend group and I'd have no friends again really.

[Sam W]

Hi keszj,

This sounds like a really tough situation, so let's see if we can untangle a few of the pieces of it. I think a useful question to ask yourself is whether it feels worth it to you to continue dating him even if it means not being able to pursue the relationship structure that feels right to you for an uncertain amount of time. Too, are you finding it increasingly hard to honor the agreement to be monogamous?

Can you say a little more about how breaking up would lead to you having no friends? Are most of your current friends people he knew before you, or is it more that you're afraid everyone will side with him if you break up?

[keszj]

It wouldn't lead to me having no friends, i think i was being dramatic :/ but theres only 4 of us in our friend group, me, him, Josh and Sam (fake names) and its partly that me and josh are into each other that caused this. so it's just gonna be awkward. i dont want to hurt anyone anymore but i feel so awful.

i spoke to my bf and we're taking a break. but even now i miss him so much. i just dont think theres a good option for me in this situation. if i stay with him im sad that i cant have what i want and im being unfair to him, but if we break up im extremely sad because I'll miss him so badly, and feel bad about breaking up with him

[Sam W]

I think take a break was a good call, if only to give you some space to think about things. If you find yourself leaning towards ending the romantic relationship all the way, I think this article could be really helpful: Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking. Break-ups suck, there's no doubt about that, but sometimes they're ultimately the kindest option for everyone involved, because you're not staying in a relationship that isn't meeting your needs and the other person is able to pursue partners who are a better fit for the kind of relationship they want/need. Does that make sense?

I also think it's worth considering if you'd want to try dating someone else in your friend group so soon after ending things with your current boyfriend. There's no right answer, to be clear, but sometimes taking a pause in dating rather than jumping straight into a new relationship can be really helpful in terms of clarifying what you want or what's the best choice for you at that time.