Can’t Masterbate w/o Squeezing Legs

[starling1010]

I’m 17F and Ive been masterbating by squeezing my legs together while on my stomach for almost 10 years now. This tenchique along with porn, helps me get off every night. I’ve tried masterbating by stimulating my clitoris with my fingers but it feels numb and sometimes painful. Even when I’m in a seated position, squeezing my legs doesn’t feel good.I’ve tried to actually penetrate my vagina but it hurts and I can’t go very deep. I can only get off by squeezing my legs in that very specific position while watching porn.

As I'm about to enter a new relationship, I'm concerned that sex won't be pleasurable for me. I’m also concerned that my partner’s ego might get hurt since he won’t be able to lead me to climax. Past experiences with oral sex were awkward and didn't feel good. I had a boyfriend before, and his attempts at oral sex were uncomfortable because my clit can’t be stimulated unless I’m preform my specific masterbating technique. I don’t want to have a repeat of my last relationship.

I feel alone, because none of my friends have ever gone through this. I need some advice on how to get my sensitivity back in my clit so I can masterbate without squeezing my legs. How do I masterbate with my hands? What ways should I touch my clit? How do I get off without porn? Is this permanent? Anything will help…thank you.

[Latha]

Hi there, Starling1010- welcome to the boards!

I'm sorry, this must be so stressful! Though I can't say for sure what is causing this, don't worry, this probably isn't permanent. Plenty of people experience such issues at some point in their lives. Before I ask any questions, may I ask if you've spoken to a gynecologist about this? We can make some educated guesses about what is happening, but a doctor would be able to examine you in person and tell you for sure.

Here are my questions:

• Does the pain pop up at other times, like when you're wearing tight clothes or cycling?

• How long does the pain last?

• Would you describe the pain a bit more? Is it sharp and sudden? Is it dull, or an ache?

• Are you usually very lubricated and aroused when you try to touch yourself?

I think it is important that you address this pain for yourself, because you deserve to be able to have pleasurable sex. But regarding your new relationship, I have to say- a mature partner would be more concerned about your pain than their ego. It would put a lot of undue pressure on both of you if your partner saw the fact that you didn't orgasm as a failure. Your partner's effort is only one of the factors that can affect whether you orgasm. Have you gotten to a point in your relationship where you can discuss these topics yet? Are you concerned about this because of something that your partner has said?

There isn't anything wrong with using porn to get off, but if you want to change things a bit, you could try fantasizing on your own. It may take some time and practice to start imagining things in a way that feels right.

I want to mention that pleasure is a whole-body experience. Don't focus solely on your genitals while masturbating- try to explore pleasurable sensations on other parts of your body as well.

How do I masterbate with my hands? What ways should I touch my clit?

Maybe we should hold off on these questions. My usual answer would be to experiment and find what feels good because there isn't one way to go about this. This might be easier to figure out once you find the cause of the pain.

[starling1010]

Hello, thank you for your reply.

(1a) I haven't talked to a gynecologist before, and I've never had an appointment with one. I feel a bit nervous and embarrassed about it.

(1b) This pain usually only happens when I'm trying to please myself or someone else is trying to please me. I've experienced a similar discomfort before when wearing tight jeans that squeezed my crotch area, causing some discomfort in my vagina. However, this sensation was more intense than the pain I feel when stimulating my clit.

(2) **Duration of Pain:**

The discomfort mostly occurs when I'm trying to please myself. I've experienced a similar sensation before when wearing extremely tight jeans that squeezed my crotch area and caused some pain in my vagina. However, this feeling was more intense than the discomfort I feel when trying to stimulate my clit.

(3) When I attempt vaginal penetration, it's hard to explain, but there's a discomfort that makes me cringe or feel squeamish, similar to the reaction when you see something gory. After trying to insert something, the pain lingered for a few moments. Now, if I rub my clit too hard or touch it directly, it feels uncomfortable, accompanied by a faint, unsatisfied "horny" feeling. Even when touching my clitoral hood, there's a bit more pleasure, but it's very faint and doesn't satisfy me. it just feels like i’m torturing myself with a faint horny feeling that needs to be satisfied but can’t be.

(4) When I stimulate my clit, I'm usually not lubricated, but if I get wet, I use it as a natural lubricant, and the dull pain or discomfort decreases. However, the sensitivity of my clit never feels pleasurable and the faint horny feeling occurs. It seems that the only reason I get wet is when I incorporate nipple play, which turns me on and feels better than touching my clit alone.

I know if i told my partner about all of this he’d worry and want to find a way to help me but I’m just so embarrassed. He knows that I’m waiting for the right time to engage in anything physical or sexual including kissing and he’s completely understanding and is willing to wait however long i need. I didnt start worrying about this until he told me he wants to please me and he wants me to teach him how to please me one day. This made me realized I wont be able to teach him anything because i don’t even know how to please myself, so it’s like the blind leading the blind. and I don’t want to fake my pleasure with him. I want us both to feel good.

I found a post on Reddit where a women shared a similar situation to mine. The responses told her that she might have "death grip" and should take a break from masturbating for a while. Then gradually get back into it but using only her hands, not the leg squeeze method. What's your take on this advice?

[Sam W]

Hi starling1010,

So, it sounds like some of the pain you're experiencing might just be from times when you put a lot of pressure on your clitoris or on your external genitals; after all, those are parts of the body that tend to be very sensitive, and that sensitivity can translate to pain depending on the kind of stimulation that's happening. With the clitoris in particular, people sometimes describe it as being super pleasurable to have touched because of how many nerve endings there are, forgetting that that same sensitivity can mean that for some people having it touched is uncomfortable or painful.

I don't completely agree with the language in that reddit post, in part because the language of a "death grip" can tip very quickly into the assumption that there are "correct" ways to masturbate, or that a person who can masturbate one way but not another should be concerned about that fact. But I do agree that if masturbation gets boring or frustrating, that can often be a sign to take a break from it. However, it sounds like you do have a way of masturbating that feels good to you, and your concern is how that will play into partnered sex. Do I have that right? And if so, do you want to talk about how talking about this with a partner might look? Or even how to experiment with other forms of masturbation in a way that's about getting to know your body and your pleasure, rather than on trying to get yourself to feel pleasure from a certain set of things?

[starling1010]

I think the pain is happening because I don’t know what I’m doing when I try to masturbate. When i squeeze my legs together, it’s very tight but never painful or uncomfortable.

Yes, I know a way to pleasure myself, but using that technique in bed with my partner might make things awkward, so I prefer not to include it in our intimate moments.

Learning about other forms of masturbation and experimenting with different methods sounds great! I’m just concerned that I’ll never be able to masturbate in any other way.

[Heather]

I think that whenever you explore sex with a partner, you'll discover that there are a lot of things you might do together that create this exact same or a very similar kind of stimulation. Also, people who are okay enough with themselves and us to be good sexual partners won't have issues with the different ways partners might want or need stimulation or the way they masturbate. For sure, some people do have these kinds of issues -- including people who feel so intimidated by sex toys or a partner knowing how to get themselves off, period -- but if and when you encounter them, my advice would generally be to figure you have met someone who doesn't yet have the emotional maturity and self-esteem to be someone's sexual partner yet.

Human sexuality is very fluid, and for many people, life is long. Our bodies also change a great deal across a lifetime, so anyone masturbating the exact same way, whatever that way is, across a lifetime and feeling very satisfied (rather than bored) isn't very common. I wouldn't worry about this being the only way you are able to enjoy yourself or masturbate, though if you felt satisfied with it, it's not like that would be a problem, even if that was the case.

[starling1010]

Hello, thank you for your reply.

It just makes me sad knowing this will be the only way I can masturbate. It’s too specific and inconvenient. I need my back leg to be prompted against a wall while being on my stomach in order to squeeze my legs together. This position in itself isn’t very seductive and makes me feel embarrassed.

I’m not sure what to do now, I feel like a lost cause. I just wish there was some way where I could reprogram myself and find a new technique that works for me.

[Heather]

I didn’t tell you this is the only way you will ever masturbate. I said quite the opposite, actually.

I think you are stressing about a thing you just don’t need to, truly. You can experiment and explore new things over time: there is rarely only one way anything feels good to someone. But if you’re coming at this from a place of stress and worry, finding things that feel good will be very, very difficult.

My best advice is to work on dropping negative self-talk around this and any stress you can. It’s only you thinking things like that you are a “lost cause.” Like I said, sexuality and what feels good tends to be fluid, so with a fluid mindset, and experimenting and exploring over time, we’ll all generally find a range of ways of touching ourselves or touch with others that feels good.

[starling1010]

You’re right, maybe I’m just overthinking this whole thing. I’m going to take your advice, take a breath, and do my best to explore my body. Thank you so much for helping me.

[Heather]

You're welcome. I hope that you can feel better about this soon. <3