My girlfriend REALLY wants me to finish- and I, can't?

[choklot_mose]

My girlfriend (17f) is well able to orgasm, she pretty much masturbates every day. and I? Well, I go through phases where I masturbate and then don't. Anyway, we have sex pretty regularly- most times I make her finish (yay) but I never reach the O myself. She gets really frustrated with me, and says I'm "not trying" And I have assured her I am. I even own a vibrator which I use, but it gets to a point where I feel a really sharp urge to pee and it becomes way too much, I physically can not continue. And I also get tired. I've come close before I'm sure, I want to finish. But my girlfriend REALLY wants me to finish. I'm sure the pressure has something to do with it, but I'm suffering here lowkey. The last thing I want is for my relationship with sex to be tainted but I have no clue oml.

[Heather]

I'm so, so sorry that your girlfriend is behaving like this. This is a really crummy way to treat a partner.

Orgasm is actually not something ANYONE can make themselves do: it is literally an involuntary nervous system reaction. Over time, many people can learn what usually gets them there and do those things, but it's still ultimately not something within anyone's control. You're also right to assume being pressured is not helping: poressure to orgasm, whether it comes from partners, ourselves, culture or all of the above, is one of the biggest inhibitors to orgasm there is.

Orgasm also isn't supposed to be for someone else's benefit. It's for the person whose body it is (when it is) happening in. Sure, as a partner, it's often a pleasure and a joy and a turn-on for our partners to orgasm during sex with us, but no one is owed it and no one should be acting like they are.

You don't need to try and do anything here. It's your partner who needs to radically change their behavior and stop with this pressure and the whole way they are viewing this and treating you. It sounds to me like this is someone who simply might not be ready to be a good partner to someone else, period, but you're going to be someone with more of a sense of that.

Do you want to be with this person? Are they a kind, caring partner to you otherwise? Do you think that if you told them what they are doing is not okay and that they need to stop that they would?

[choklot_mose]

ill talk to her about it. she probably thinks shes helping in some way, i hope

[Heather]

I don't know, it's hard for me to imagine that someone pressuring someone like this to do something that's totally non-essential thinks they're helping them.

Can you say some about what your relationship is like and how she treats you otherwise? Do you generally feel cared for and supported by her? Do you feel safe with her emotionally?

[choklot_mose]

What a lovely time to get this reply. My girlfriend has just asked me to go on a break. I feel upset and numb, also bitter. Apparently she’s not happy with life/the relationship in general. Has “nothing to do with me, just that she’s always on edge” we talk everyday so this will be fun. I don’t understand what went wrong everything was perfect..

[CaitlinEve]

I'm so sorry to hear that, choklot_mose. Relationship breaks can be ROUGH, especially when they're unexpected. Even if everything WAS perfect, sometimes people's priorities change and that doesn't mean something was wrong or that you could've 'prevented' it.

Please don't feel like you HAVE to talk to her every day; it's okay to take some time to process and heal. I want to direct you to this article, which offers a few resources about dealing with breaks and break-ups.

[choklot_mose]

Thank you for the resource. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know if I want to end the relationship, especially since it’s become so emotionally draining. But at the same time I love her. I am at a loss.

[Latha]

Hi there, Choklot_mose,

It really is heartbreaking, but leaving a relationship can be the best option, even when you love someone. But you don’t have to decide anything immediately. As Caitlin suggested, use this break to take some time to process your feelings. Try to spend time doing things you enjoy and meeting with other people you love too. You can revisit the question of what you should do about the relationship after you get a little distance.

When you’re ready, you could think about Heather’s questions:

Can you say some about what your relationship is like and how she treats you otherwise? Do you generally feel cared for and supported by her? Do you feel safe with her emotionally?

It might also be helpful to read Should I Stay or Should I Go?

[Heather]

Hey there. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I will say this: it often happens that right as we start paying more attention to, or picking up on, problems within a relationship, those problems escalate, or the relationship is in current crisis on more than one front, or in the process of winding down. So, while I am sorry you're feeling lousy and that this doesn't sound like what you want (and I get it: it's so hard to love someone and also be in a bad relationship with them), I can't say I'm especially surprised. What you described in your first post had a handful of flags to suggest that at least some things were wrong in this relationship. I'm also not so sure this is ultimately a bad thing, even though I get that it's something that hurts. <3

On that note, I want to challenge you in describing this relationship as perfect. No relationship is, but again, just based on your first post, there was at least one area of the relationship where big things were wrong. Any kind of sexual pressuring is a big problem and often an indication of other overall badness, which is why I asked you about the rest of the relationship.

Since right now, all you can really do is what you can do without her interaction, what feels like the right things to do for yourself right now? Do you have other people in your life you love -- maybe a best friend or a sibling -- you can lean on for some extra in-person support and any wanted feedback with all this?