my boyfriend wants to rub my vagina and i’m scared, should i be?

[trashwangg]

hi!! so my bf of like one month wants to rub my vagina and make me ejaculate, the thing is i’m scared because i’ve only masturbated with one technique and it’s not rubbing, i’m scared because what if we get caught or what if i don’t cum? idk maybe im overthinking it but any advice?

[Heather]

Hi there, and welcome to the boards.

So, no partner should be going about sex with another partner in a way where their goal is to try and make their body do something that's both involuntary -- in other words, neither of you can actually "make" ejaculation happen -- and product-oriented. That's just not a recipe for sex that both people are actually both likely to enjoy, as your anxiety and fear about this is cluing you into already. What people should instead be focused on is just everyone involved feeling good and feeling good about what they're doing. And if and when we are going to get involved with a partner's body or their body parts, we should only ever really be focused on what *they* want and what feels good for them, not what we want their bodies to do.

It also sounds like your boyfriend is probably really uneducated about how a lot of this works, from consenting to pleasure to ejaculation for someone with your kind of body parts. It doesn't sound to me like this is something either one of you is probably particularly ready for. If you were, you wouldn't be feeling so scared and anxious -- including about things that should feel optional, like orgasm or ejaculation -- and he wouldn't be going about this this way.

Since this is all ultimately about your body for now, let's start here: what do YOU want to do sexually with your boyfriend? What do you actually want for yourself, and what do you feel actually comfortable -- not scared, not anxious -- with the idea of doing with him, if anything?

[trashwangg]

hi tysm for answering! i do want him too but idk maybe im scares cus this is my first time, maybe i’m scared of what’s gonna happen after? all i know is he wants to make me orgasm and i’m fine with that i’m just scared

[Heather]

Again, feeling scared is an indication this isn't right. Even when we might be nervous or anxious about first times, we should still feel pretty comfortable, not scared. When someone keeps saying they feel scared about something sexual, it is how we know whatever that thing is clearly is not right for them in some way. If it was right for you, you would feel much more excited than scared.

Given your age -- is he around the same age? -- and given how uninformed you both sound about all of this, it sounds like both of you may be getting ahead of yourselves here in a big way. To feel comfortable like you should feel, instead of scared, these things can't be rushed.

Like I told you, he can't "make" you orgasm. Even you can't make you orgasm: orgasm is an involuntary nervous system response, and anyone who thinks they can make it happen or even wants to try in the way like he's talking and you are is just not understanding the basics of how any of this works. Too, what you're doing sexually should be about more than just being fine with what someone else wants. If we're going to do sexual things with someone else, we should both really want to do them and should both feel comfortable at the idea of doing them.

Unusually, before people are doing things like getting into each other's pants or even talking about anyone's orgasms, they have taken some time to lead up to things like that. When I say lead up, I mean things like first building trust, like educating themselves and each other, like doing sexual or sensual things that don't involve bigger health or vulnerability risks like genital sex can first, like a lot of kissing, making out, maybe steps later on like seeing how you feel just being naked together, et cetera. And lead up for someone new to any of this is also going to mean things like making sure you even feel ready to start doing what you need to for your sexual health and well-being, like talking about safer sex together and how you're going to do that, and both being ready and able to soon start going to a provider for STI testing and any other needed sexual healthcare. I'm betting those kinds of things aren't things your boyfriend has even thought about, let alone is ready to do his part with.

Can you take some time here to tell me about this dating relationship so far? How long have you two been together? What's the rest of your relationship like? How have the ways you have been sexual together so far felt? Have you been able to even be honest with him around these kinds of things so that, for instance, you are also telling *him* you feel scared, not just us?

[trashwangg]

Hi thank you for answering again! (sorry if this confuses you tho lol) we’ve been dating for a month and he’s two months older than me, i am excited, i think saying scared wasn’t the right word to describe how i feel (sorry!) like im nervous and excited! and i told him before that i want to do things before leading up to “the rub” we have a good and honest relationship- if he says anything that makes me upset i’ll tell him and he’ll apologize and try to understand how what he said made me upset , he’s a really sweet guy, and him doing this is honestly the first time we’ve been sexual together

[Heather]

Thanks for filling me in some more.

It really sounds to me like all of this is too fast.

Your boyfriend, for starters -- and you, too, sounds like -- need to at LEAST do things like get some basic sex ed under your belts before you do anything else. If he's talking about "rubbing your vagina to make you ejaculate," that alone tells me he, you or both of you a) aren't even sure which part of your anatomy the vagina is (it's inside your body, to be clear), b) don't understand that ejaculation for someone with a vagina is uncommon and so not something that's at all likely to happen with two young folks brand new to all this, and c) doesn't get that what is or isn't going to result in orgasm for you is going to be about what YOU think feels good, not what he does? Then it's clear y'all need a whole bunch of basic education, to start (and so not your fault you don't already have it, either). I'll give you a few links at the end of this just so you can both get started with it, but that's not all there is to this.

An equally large piece here is that this is a conversation you should be having with him, too, and it doesn't sound like you have been. I'd say that if you don't feel able to tell him all you have told us here -- and I gotta tell you, the crying emojis and you saying you are scared suggest to me there is really some fear and hard feelings in here, unless you're just being dramatic, in which case, please don't do that -- then that's yet another sign this is all too fast. You still need to build some trust, it sounds like.

How about you go ahead and talk to him about this, and let him know that you two have a lot of leadup to go before anyone seems ready to be in anyone's pants? You at least need to take time to do other, less complicated things over time first (hint: being sexual together isn't just about genitals -- things like making out are sexual, too), learn to talk about sex together more honestly, get some education, talk about safety, all the stuff I mentioned in my last post.

In other words: I think you should just do yourself a solid and slow down and make clear to him that he also needs to slow down and also adjust his expectations.

I'll be frank: a 14-year-old guy talking about this sexual activity in this kind of a way, where it's just super clear he doesn't know how it works, is not ready to be in your pants, and it doesn't sound like you are ready for it, either. Being a sweet guy and wanting a thing still doesn't make him ready, you know?

Please know that there's no shame in that, either: most folks your age and level of life and relationship experience aren't ready either which is a big reason why most folks your age don't have their hands in anyone's pants yet. Taking time to get to things like this shouldn't be hard because all the getting there should be pretty exciting and also feel good -- physically and emotionally -- too. Why rush instead of taking time to get to it actually feeling right and both of you actually being ready for this kind of stuff? No matter how old someone is, racing into any kind of sex that's new to them with a new partner is most often setup that's unlikely to be good for anyone, and who the heck wants to be sexual with someone if it's not likely to be a good experience?

Here are some of those links I mentioned I'd leave. I think it would be ideal for both of you to read them. <3

• https://www.scarleteen.com/read/sex-sex ... sers-guide
• https://www.scarleteen.com/read/bodies/ ... s-and-more
• https://www.scarleteen.com/read/sex-sex ... jaculation
• https://www.scarleteen.com/read/sex-sex ... -checklist (this last one can give you a good idea of the kinds of things both we and a partner will have and be feeling when we actually ARE ready for the kinds of sex that involve genitals)

Let me know where you want to take this conversation from here?