Hello. This would probably be a long one, so thank you for reading
For background, I have a second cousin, and he is about 3 years older than me. This happened when I was about 4-5 and he was around 7 or 8 years old. We were hanging out with our cousins (4 people in total) at my grandma's place. We were in a room without any adults supervision. He told us to pull down our pants, and to come closer so he could show us something. We were all between the ages of 4 to 8, so we all did it. He first pulled down my pants and rubbed his private part on mine, and I just went along with it because I didn't know what he was doing in the first place. Then he told his cousin to rub her privates on mine, and since we were kids and didn't know better we did it. I didn't know what was happening and just went along with it, thinking it was a game. But some time later when my mom first started to teach me basic sex education and told me that no one is allowed to touch me on my privates, it clicked for me and it started to distress me. The fact that I let that happen started to make me feel guilty and dirty, and it was always on my mind. I held that secret for years until one night I broke down crying in front of my mom and told her about it, and she told me that I should've told her about this way sooner so she could've helped me. She let me know that what had happened was messed up and definitely not ok, but at the same time it also means that he was a victim himself, since a child that young has to be either exposed to explicit contents or see sexual behaviors to do something like that, and I completely understand.
It's been almost 11 years since the event occurred, and I've managed to move on (it bothered me for years, especially till the age of 12) but I've been confused. I just want to know that was it really SA, or am I just being dramatic and sensitive and labeling a simple child curiosity between kids as something traumatic? I didn't give direct verbal consent, but I didn't stop them either, so I've been wondering if I was really a victim or not
I don't know if it was SA or not
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This area of the boards is expressly for support and help for those who are currently in or have survived abuse or assault. It is also for those seeking information or discussion about abuse or assault. Please make every effort in this space to be supportive and sensitive. Posts in this area may or do describe abuse or assault explicitly.
This area of the boards is also not an area where those who are themselves abusing anyone or who have abused or assaulted someone may post about doing that or seek support. We are not qualified to provide that kind of help, and that also would make a space like this feel profoundly unsafe for those who are being or who have been abused. If you have both been abused and are abusing, we can only discuss harm done to you: we cannot discuss you yourself doing harm to others. If you are someone engaging in abuse who would like help, you can start by seeking out a mental healthcare provider.
This area of the boards is expressly for support and help for those who are currently in or have survived abuse or assault. It is also for those seeking information or discussion about abuse or assault. Please make every effort in this space to be supportive and sensitive. Posts in this area may or do describe abuse or assault explicitly.
This area of the boards is also not an area where those who are themselves abusing anyone or who have abused or assaulted someone may post about doing that or seek support. We are not qualified to provide that kind of help, and that also would make a space like this feel profoundly unsafe for those who are being or who have been abused. If you have both been abused and are abusing, we can only discuss harm done to you: we cannot discuss you yourself doing harm to others. If you are someone engaging in abuse who would like help, you can start by seeking out a mental healthcare provider.
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Heather
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Re: I don't know if it was SA or not
Hey again, Wekokxi.
The thing is that in order to be able to answer this for sure, we'd have to know if your cousin intended to overpower, control or otherwise harm you and your other cousins. What you're describing doesn't tell us that, and at this point, the only thing that probably could is your cousin's recollections of this himself. Well, that or maybe the kind of person he turned out to be. I would not, however, assume what your mother did -- that your cousin was sexually abused and that's why he did this -- nor that what happened was "messed up." You're right: this is also how childhood sexual curiosity can look.
But what you can know for sure is how you feel about this, and it sounds like whether it was an abuse or whether it was childhood curiosity, it turned out to be something traumatic for you. Whether it was or wasn't SA doesn't really matter in that regard: it sounds like either way, this (and, and perhaps even more so, keeping it a secret) is something that did you harm and that you could use some support and healing around. I would leave behind concerns about being dramatic or not: you feel about this how you feel, and the impact of it, and holding on to that secret, is the impact of it. Spare yourself the value judgements about that.
What do you think you might need around this at this point? It sounds like you are saying it isn't something that troubles you anymore, you just wish you could know for sure if it was SA or not, but if I've misunderstood that, let me know.
The thing is that in order to be able to answer this for sure, we'd have to know if your cousin intended to overpower, control or otherwise harm you and your other cousins. What you're describing doesn't tell us that, and at this point, the only thing that probably could is your cousin's recollections of this himself. Well, that or maybe the kind of person he turned out to be. I would not, however, assume what your mother did -- that your cousin was sexually abused and that's why he did this -- nor that what happened was "messed up." You're right: this is also how childhood sexual curiosity can look.
But what you can know for sure is how you feel about this, and it sounds like whether it was an abuse or whether it was childhood curiosity, it turned out to be something traumatic for you. Whether it was or wasn't SA doesn't really matter in that regard: it sounds like either way, this (and, and perhaps even more so, keeping it a secret) is something that did you harm and that you could use some support and healing around. I would leave behind concerns about being dramatic or not: you feel about this how you feel, and the impact of it, and holding on to that secret, is the impact of it. Spare yourself the value judgements about that.
What do you think you might need around this at this point? It sounds like you are saying it isn't something that troubles you anymore, you just wish you could know for sure if it was SA or not, but if I've misunderstood that, let me know.
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
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Wekokxi_7
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Re: I don't know if it was SA or not
Thank you for taking your time and responding me, and yes your understanding from my situation is correct.
That specific cousin did have sexual behaviors when we were growing up - whether intentional or not. I can't remember much, but from what I can recall, there were occasions where he would try to overpower me or other cousins. For example, there were times when he and his cousin would try to control, pressure, or manipulate me into taking off my clothes. But that incident was the one that traumatized me the most due to the fact that I only realized how bad the situation was after my mom educated me. I managed to prevent further incidents from going too far or called a trusted adult. But like I said, that specific incident was the one that left me the most traumatized.
Their sexual behaviors stopped after a while. And yes, they pretty much remember doing them to me and the others.
I'm not trying to make it sound like I was SA'd or not. We were all children, none of us knew any better, and their intentions could've been pure curiosity. They were traumatic for me, but I can't blame them. All I'm trying to figure out is to make sure whether it was really SA or not. If it was, I've managed to move forward and accepted it as a part of my life - something irreversible that had happened to me many years ago. Regardless of if it was assault or not, it took me years to move on from the trauma it left me.
That specific cousin did have sexual behaviors when we were growing up - whether intentional or not. I can't remember much, but from what I can recall, there were occasions where he would try to overpower me or other cousins. For example, there were times when he and his cousin would try to control, pressure, or manipulate me into taking off my clothes. But that incident was the one that traumatized me the most due to the fact that I only realized how bad the situation was after my mom educated me. I managed to prevent further incidents from going too far or called a trusted adult. But like I said, that specific incident was the one that left me the most traumatized.
Their sexual behaviors stopped after a while. And yes, they pretty much remember doing them to me and the others.
I'm not trying to make it sound like I was SA'd or not. We were all children, none of us knew any better, and their intentions could've been pure curiosity. They were traumatic for me, but I can't blame them. All I'm trying to figure out is to make sure whether it was really SA or not. If it was, I've managed to move forward and accepted it as a part of my life - something irreversible that had happened to me many years ago. Regardless of if it was assault or not, it took me years to move on from the trauma it left me.
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Heather
- scarleteen founder & director
- Posts: 10839
- Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 1:43 pm
- Age: 56
- Awesomeness Quotient: I have been a sex educator for nearly 30 years!
- Primary language: english
- Pronouns: they/them
- Sexual identity: queery-queer-queer
- Location: Chicago
Re: I don't know if it was SA or not
It would be okay if you were saying you were sexually abused. Again, at this point in time and in this situation, the person most likely to have the best sense of that is going to be you. You were there, you know how it felt and you know how you have felt about it.
You are, though, in this latest post, absolutely clearly describing sexual abuse, so I'd also say that if that was the flavor of this incident, too, then yes, this sounds like it was most likely abuse to me. Your cousin also having a history of this kind of behavior also adds more to that column.
What can we do for you around this from here?
You are, though, in this latest post, absolutely clearly describing sexual abuse, so I'd also say that if that was the flavor of this incident, too, then yes, this sounds like it was most likely abuse to me. Your cousin also having a history of this kind of behavior also adds more to that column.
What can we do for you around this from here?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead