Hi, my name is Nathan and I just wanted to disclose this information to have some form of clarity. I rarely remember the details, but I just feel super guilty and I want to know how to process this. For starters, I am now 23 year old, and I perpretrated something that I feel incredibly bad about. When I was like 10-11, my younger brother was like 6-7 yrs old. I was exposed to poronography at a young age, probably around that time. That led to some really bad experiences with my sibling, and I never meant to hurt him or anything or inflict pain, never forced him or anything. TW: I vividly remember oral and anal (attempt) being there, and kissing. This happened a few times, and then we stopped (I forget when). A few months later, me and my cousin who was around my age (month difference) also started to experiment, and just rub eachothers private parts and even try doing intercourse, but obviously at the time (i was 12), I had no idea what I was doing. Years later (2020), I remembered what we were doing when I turned 18 and I've been ashamed and guilty. I spoke to my brother about it when he was 14, and he comforted me and told me it was okay. Obviously, it's been some time now and I was wondering if it made sense to speak about it towards him again .I've been able to minimize it the symptoms at times, but more recently I remembered the severity again and I feel as if I abused my brother. At the time, I thought it was just childhood exploration..but as I was researching further it felt that I commited COCSA towards him and I just feel disgusted with myself. How should I get over this? Me and my brother have a solid relationship and I feel bad for even doing that towards him. I did not force him, threaten him, told him anything negative, I was jsut simply doing wrong things and now I feel so remorseful and ashamed about it. I'm sorry if this was alot.
I know I should probably visit a therapist as well.
Am I a perpretrator? (COCSA)
Forum rules
This area of the boards is expressly for support and help for those who are currently in or have survived abuse or assault. It is also for those seeking information or discussion about abuse or assault. Please make every effort in this space to be supportive and sensitive. Posts in this area may or do describe abuse or assault explicitly.
This area of the boards is also not an area where those who are themselves abusing anyone or who have abused or assaulted someone may post about doing that or seek support. We are not qualified to provide that kind of help, and that also would make a space like this feel profoundly unsafe for those who are being or who have been abused. If you have both been abused and are abusing, we can only discuss harm done to you: we cannot discuss you yourself doing harm to others. If you are someone engaging in abuse who would like help, you can start by seeking out a mental healthcare provider.
This area of the boards is expressly for support and help for those who are currently in or have survived abuse or assault. It is also for those seeking information or discussion about abuse or assault. Please make every effort in this space to be supportive and sensitive. Posts in this area may or do describe abuse or assault explicitly.
This area of the boards is also not an area where those who are themselves abusing anyone or who have abused or assaulted someone may post about doing that or seek support. We are not qualified to provide that kind of help, and that also would make a space like this feel profoundly unsafe for those who are being or who have been abused. If you have both been abused and are abusing, we can only discuss harm done to you: we cannot discuss you yourself doing harm to others. If you are someone engaging in abuse who would like help, you can start by seeking out a mental healthcare provider.
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Heather
- scarleteen founder & director
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Re: Am I a perpretrator? (COCSA)
Hi there, Nathan. It's okay to bring heavy things here that are a lot. We're good for it.
I will say this: abuse really is defined as abuse when it's an abuse of power in some form, and I am hearing you say pretty clearly that wasn't part of any of this for you. This does sound a lot more to me like kids being curious and also being sexual without context that ideally, adults would have given (like telling y'all long before you saw any sexual material about basic consent, good touch/bad touch, boundaries, etc.). If it helps to know, as it sometimes does with sorting out things liek this with someone, I am someone who was a victim of sexual violence as a child from older children, so this isn't just about work for me, it's also very personal. It also sounds like the other people involved do not feel like you abused them, something I hope you can really take to heart at some point, if not just yet.
But you feel how you feel, and it sounds like this is a very big burden for you to carry around. I'm happy to talk with you as much as you like, but I do also think that talking about this in a more therapeutic environment -- one where it's either in-person, or has some other version of face-to-face, with a trained therapist who is educated in helping with this area, who is the same person you can see and talk to and build trust with from week to week over a good deal of time -- would probably help you the most. I also think that anytime we have done something wrong or even just feel like we have, it can help to brainstorm what we might be able to do that is some form of taking responsibility (which it sounds like you have already done) and offering and making amends, as that's really all, save forgiving ourselves, anyone can do when and if we have done someone wrong.
I'm happy to help you try and find a therapist, if that's help you'd like, I'm happy to talk with you more myself (be that on the boards here or in live chat, which is more private and might leave you feeling less exposed, per no one but us being able to read what you're saying), or we can do both. Let me know what feels best and we can take it from there. <3
I will say this: abuse really is defined as abuse when it's an abuse of power in some form, and I am hearing you say pretty clearly that wasn't part of any of this for you. This does sound a lot more to me like kids being curious and also being sexual without context that ideally, adults would have given (like telling y'all long before you saw any sexual material about basic consent, good touch/bad touch, boundaries, etc.). If it helps to know, as it sometimes does with sorting out things liek this with someone, I am someone who was a victim of sexual violence as a child from older children, so this isn't just about work for me, it's also very personal. It also sounds like the other people involved do not feel like you abused them, something I hope you can really take to heart at some point, if not just yet.
But you feel how you feel, and it sounds like this is a very big burden for you to carry around. I'm happy to talk with you as much as you like, but I do also think that talking about this in a more therapeutic environment -- one where it's either in-person, or has some other version of face-to-face, with a trained therapist who is educated in helping with this area, who is the same person you can see and talk to and build trust with from week to week over a good deal of time -- would probably help you the most. I also think that anytime we have done something wrong or even just feel like we have, it can help to brainstorm what we might be able to do that is some form of taking responsibility (which it sounds like you have already done) and offering and making amends, as that's really all, save forgiving ourselves, anyone can do when and if we have done someone wrong.
I'm happy to help you try and find a therapist, if that's help you'd like, I'm happy to talk with you more myself (be that on the boards here or in live chat, which is more private and might leave you feeling less exposed, per no one but us being able to read what you're saying), or we can do both. Let me know what feels best and we can take it from there. <3
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
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nati408
- not a newbie
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- Location: California
Re: Am I a perpretrator? (COCSA)
Hi Heather,
First and foremost, thank you so much for responding. I was really spiraling earlier this morning and I just needed to talk to someone about it. Your post is really helping me provide clarity, which in that I would love to continue talking with you on live chat if that is feasible. Thank you so much.
First and foremost, thank you so much for responding. I was really spiraling earlier this morning and I just needed to talk to someone about it. Your post is really helping me provide clarity, which in that I would love to continue talking with you on live chat if that is feasible. Thank you so much.
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Latha
- scarleteen staff/volunteer
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- Location: India
Re: Am I a perpretrator? (COCSA)
Hi Nati408,
I’m glad Heather’s response helped you! We usually open live chat from 3-6 PM CST on Tuesdays. Is that time okay for you?
I’m glad Heather’s response helped you! We usually open live chat from 3-6 PM CST on Tuesdays. Is that time okay for you?
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Heather
- scarleteen founder & director
- Posts: 10839
- Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 1:43 pm
- Age: 56
- Awesomeness Quotient: I have been a sex educator for nearly 30 years!
- Primary language: english
- Pronouns: they/them
- Sexual identity: queery-queer-queer
- Location: Chicago
Re: Am I a perpretrator? (COCSA)
Just FYI, I’m happy to open chat for you at a different time (something we can do for users) than that window Latha mentioned, especially since that window often isn’t great for me.
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
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nati408
- not a newbie
- Posts: 5
- Joined: Thu Apr 17, 2025 4:08 pm
- Age: 24
- Awesomeness Quotient: I make music
- Primary language: English
- Pronouns: he/him
- Sexual identity: Bi
- Location: California
Re: Am I a perpretrator? (COCSA)
Hi! Yeah, those days would be fine. I would like to ask if sometime this weekend is feasible for you as well! I know I'm probably desperate to talk to someone now, but maybe it will be better to process and understand how I'm feeling as well. I'm going to call my local hospital for mental health services soon, hopefully they can allocate me to a therapist ASAP!
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Heather
- scarleteen founder & director
- Posts: 10839
- Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 1:43 pm
- Age: 56
- Awesomeness Quotient: I have been a sex educator for nearly 30 years!
- Primary language: english
- Pronouns: they/them
- Sexual identity: queery-queer-queer
- Location: Chicago
Re: Am I a perpretrator? (COCSA)
What’s tomorrow like for you, maybe between 12 and 3 CST?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
-
nati408
- not a newbie
- Posts: 5
- Joined: Thu Apr 17, 2025 4:08 pm
- Age: 24
- Awesomeness Quotient: I make music
- Primary language: English
- Pronouns: he/him
- Sexual identity: Bi
- Location: California
Re: Am I a perpretrator? (COCSA)
Hi! Yes, that should be fine. Could we do arond 1 CST?
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Heather
- scarleteen founder & director
- Posts: 10839
- Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 1:43 pm
- Age: 56
- Awesomeness Quotient: I have been a sex educator for nearly 30 years!
- Primary language: english
- Pronouns: they/them
- Sexual identity: queery-queer-queer
- Location: Chicago
Re: Am I a perpretrator? (COCSA)
You got it. You'll see the icon for chat go on then in the lower right-hand corner of the screen on any page of our site.
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
-
Heather
- scarleteen founder & director
- Posts: 10839
- Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 1:43 pm
- Age: 56
- Awesomeness Quotient: I have been a sex educator for nearly 30 years!
- Primary language: english
- Pronouns: they/them
- Sexual identity: queery-queer-queer
- Location: Chicago
Re: Am I a perpretrator? (COCSA)
Just letting you know I've been in chat for about 20 minutes and am here for you if it's still something you need.
Edited to say that an hour is as long as I can wait today (and ideally, when folks schedule time with us, my expectation is that it's treated like an appointment where, if y'all can't make it, you let us know and cancel, just so you know in case you want to try again sometime) so I am heading off.
Edited to say that an hour is as long as I can wait today (and ideally, when folks schedule time with us, my expectation is that it's treated like an appointment where, if y'all can't make it, you let us know and cancel, just so you know in case you want to try again sometime) so I am heading off.
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
-
nati408
- not a newbie
- Posts: 5
- Joined: Thu Apr 17, 2025 4:08 pm
- Age: 24
- Awesomeness Quotient: I make music
- Primary language: English
- Pronouns: he/him
- Sexual identity: Bi
- Location: California
Re: Am I a perpretrator? (COCSA)
Hi Heather, I apologize. I finally slept good after a few days now, and it felt really good after what I have been dealing with.. I do apologize for not informing you ahead of time. I will be in the live chat on Tuesday from 3-6 CST!
Happy Easter!
Happy Easter!
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Heather
- scarleteen founder & director
- Posts: 10839
- Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 1:43 pm
- Age: 56
- Awesomeness Quotient: I have been a sex educator for nearly 30 years!
- Primary language: english
- Pronouns: they/them
- Sexual identity: queery-queer-queer
- Location: Chicago
Re: Am I a perpretrator? (COCSA)
I’m glad you got some sleep.
I can only work the first hour of that chat shift, so if you want to catch me, that’ll be the time to do it. Otherwise, other members of the team will be available.
I can only work the first hour of that chat shift, so if you want to catch me, that’ll be the time to do it. Otherwise, other members of the team will be available.
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
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