Shame about my sexuality

[mallowmauve]

Alright, I haven't talked about this to anyone before. Long story short, I have lied to everyone in my life about even the most basic sexual ideas. This all started around 12. I had always had little to no interest in girls or boys, to the point where my parents noticed it. At some point, I even started identifying as asexual, participating in the community (as much as someone that age could). Eventually, I discovered masturbation and porn. At that point, my libido skyrocketed, and I was finding myself doing it every day. At some points in my life, it's been as often as 5-6 times a day. When the topic of masturbation comes up with anyone, my parents, psychologist, or friends, I always say the same thing. "I don't do it." I think it's important to mention I am diagnosed with Autism and OCD, with an addictive personality.

I continue to this day to identify as asexual, but I can't help but feel like a fraud. I still don't see myself fitting into the typical lines of sexuality, and I'm definitely not straight. For example, I have rarely ever seen someone and thought sexually of them. But I feel I can never change what I identify with, socially or individually. I worry that if I stop being asexual, people will assume that I am sexual, or do things like masturbate. I honestly can't explain why I am so uncomfortable with people knowing I do it, I know most everyone does it. But it feels like an end-all scenario to me.

I'm making this post for general advice and ideas on how to move past this mental barrier. I do want to identify as something more aligned with what I really feel. On this website, I've labeled Bi, but I haven't decided for sure.

[KierC]

Hey mallowmauve, and welcome to the message boards!

I’m sorry to hear you haven’t been able to talk about this with anyone before. I can understand how that can exacerbate the crummy feelings surrounding it, so I’m so glad you’re comfortable to talk here.

I hear you that you told your parents, therapists, and friends that you don’t masturbate. You know, it’s okay to not discuss masturbation if you don’t want to or don’t feel comfortable or safe doing so. Is there a reason why you didn’t feel comfortable to talk about it with them, though?

I also hear you saying that you feel like a fraud. I know that can be such a crummy feeling, and I’m sorry to hear you’re experiencing it. You are not a fraud. Asexuality exists on a spectrum, and folks who identify as asexual can experience their sexuality in different ways. Some folks who identify as asexual do masturbate, and some don’t. It is really an individual choice, but it doesn’t minimize their identity at all. Know what I mean?

We have this article about Asexuality that might be helpful to read through too, as I think some of the details in the article address your concerns about masturbation, and about choosing the words you want to use to describe your identity, if you want to: Just The Basics, Ace: An Asexuality Primer. Does reading through that (specifically the sections “What are some of the ways people experience Asexuality,” and “Do asexual people have sex?”) help address some of these feelings, or does it bring up more questions or thoughts for you?