I feel terrible about the things I’ve masturbated to

[MaybeBi19]

TW: Suicidal Thoughts and Sexual Content
I got into porn when I was still a minor, not super young but still a teenager (I still technically am). And now I’ve found myself having masturbated to very gross things. All of it is fictional or acted out (images or videos but fake), but I still feel disgusted with myself. I feel like if my friends or family knew they’d hate me. I don’t know how to get rid of the issue though. I’m so angry and grossed out by myself. I’ve always struggled with intrusive thoughts. I tell myself I’ll stop but then I don’t and I just feel terrible. I just don’t get why such a gross thing turns me on? I consider myself a feminist and am also a woman, and consuming this content makes me feel like such a hypocrite. Idk what gave me this horrible kink. Even discussing it on this board makes me feel awful, so I don’t want to go into detail. It just feels like I’m living a lie, and that I don’t deserve to be here anymore. I’m scared to even discuss it on this board.

[KierC]

Hey there MaybeBi19, and welcome to the boards. We are so glad to have you here. <3

I am so sorry to hear that you’re in distress about the media you’ve masturbated to, and that it’s causing you to feel badly about yourself. I want you to know that we talk to users about these topics often, and you are not alone. We’re here for you.

I’d be happy to talk with you about the media you’re consuming, how it makes you feel, how pornography interacts with feminism/general porn literacy, but before we can work with you on that, I need to make sure you are safe. I hear you saying you feel like you don’t deserve to be here. Do you feel safe from yourself right now when it comes to suicidal ideation?

[MaybeBi19]

I feel ok currently, I’ve calmed down a bit compared to before.

[KierC]

Okay, I’m glad to hear you’re feeling safe. If that ever changes, we can connect you with crisis resources, including hotlines where you can receive help immediately. You’re not in trouble also, we just want to make sure you’re safe.

When it comes to the sexual media you’re consuming, can you say a little bit about why you feel it’s gross, or why you feel that your friends and family would hate you if they knew? You don’t need to share any details that make you uncomfortable or that you don’t want to share, but I’m wondering where the assessment that it’s gross or wrong comes from for you?

[MaybeBi19]

I don’t want to go too into detail (I’m sorry it’s hard for me to even talk about it). It’s mostly cnc content and stuff that just seems to degrade women a lot. I have no idea why I like it. It’s not the only thing I enjoy but it makes me so uncomfortable that I enjoy it at all.

[KierC]

No worries, you don’t need to provide any details you don’t want to share.

It sounds like the nature of the content you’re consuming is distressing to you, perhaps in part because you feel it does not align with your values. If some context helps, consensual force fantasies are exactly that: consensual. There’s a big difference between content that is forceful and non-consensual (which is rape, not sex), and content that is in line with consensual force and ravishment kinks. So, for those who are interested in those themes, there is consensual and ethically made sexual media to consume. However, if this content makes you feel bad, you don’t have to consume it. You’re not a bad person for enjoying it at all, but if you don’t want to watch it anymore, you don’t have to.

How does hearing that make you feel, as a start?

[MaybeBi19]

It makes me feel a little better. There’s this lingering feeling that I’m a bad person and that my friends only like me because they don’t know. I feel terrible and like I should not talk to them as much anymore because if they knew they wouldn’t want to be friends anymore. At the same time I’m scared of telling them and them telling other people. Even if I stop consuming the content I know they probably won’t like me anymore and that makes me sad. My family is not an option at all because they don’t like any sexual content whatsoever. They also don’t know I’m queer.

[KierC]

I’m glad to hear that this makes you feel a little bit better, but I hear you that you’re having this lingering worry about being a bad person and friends not liking you if they knew.

I mentioned this before, but with regard to your family and friends and talking about what you watch, you only need to share things you feel comfortable sharing. If you don’t want certain people in your life to know what content you consume when you’re alone, you do not have to share; it can remain private. Especially if you feel like someone you tell might tell someone else something confidential, you may find it safer to not share with that particular person.

That doesn’t mean this content is shameful, or that you need to hide it away. I mostly mean that, in general, you don’t need to tell anyone anything private about yourself that you don’t want to share. But, before going too far into that, is there a reason you’re mentioning telling them about this, or them finding out?

[MaybeBi19]

They’ve shown disdain for people who have been into gross things before, and in a way I guess I feel like I’m lying to them.

[KierC]

Ah, I hear you. You know, it really isn’t lying to just not share private information. Do they ask you about it?

[MaybeBi19]

No they’ve never asked me about it.

[CaitlinEve]

Just to butt in a little, I think it's also important to remember that a lot of the people interacting with consensual non-consent do it because it gives them the power back. If you take CNC at face value, it may SEEM 'gross', but for a lot of women* who are into it it's empowering to have control over the situation. That in itself can be feminist; to allow yourself to take charge of your sexuality and reclaim something that may have been a traumatic part of someone's past. Just something to consider. Having a kink does not inherently make you a bad person, and neither does keeping the private bits of your life private. You don't owe anybody anything.

*CNC is not just for women, I just mention women specifically since that's mainly where you mention your anxiety stemming from!

[MaybeBi19]

Thank you for the encouragement. Idk why I enjoy this sort of content. It’s not like I have any sexual trauma or anything. I kind of wish I could talk to a therapist about it but I don’t have the money for that and I don’t want anyone else who might have the money to know. I still feel like I’m demeaning women since the content I consume all seems aimed at men. I’ve been trying to stop but honestly I think I have some sort of porn addiction. (Trying to get help for this so also difficult considering most stuff trying to help with porn addiction is also aimed at men). Once again thank you for the kind words. I think I’ll have to deal with this mostly on my own.

[Heather]

The concept of porn addiction is also iffy: the framework of addiction was really designed specifically for chemically-addictive substances, not as an umbrella for all compulsive behavior with any and everything. A lot of it is also a serious grift.

Since you also mention a long history with intrusive thoughts, it may also be that you're better served by the kind of therapist and therapy intended for anxiety disorders (and compulsive behaviour often falls under this rubric), anyway. Might you be able to access that kind of therapy?

Honestly, too, there may not be an answer for why you are into what you are, not from a therapist, not for yourself. So much of the time there just won't be concrete answers to that. Too, fantasy non-consent and things that are sexualized misogyny are very, very common things people are excited by (I literally was just addressing this with another user today, even), which isn't all that surprising given the overall culture we all soak in, given how much sexual media (including mainstream media) includes these things, and given how common it is for sexual fantasy to involve social or personal taboos.

Am I hearing you right that you access sexual media that you would rather not, but are struggling with how not to do that? If so, we can also talk a little to give you some practical, non-therapeutic help in that department.

[MaybeBi19]

The last part is right, and that would be nice. I would like to know how to stop, I keep completely failing.

[HannahP]

Hey MaybeBi! Heather is done for the day and I can't say for sure what ideas they had, but I have a few suggestions (and I'll make sure they pop back in if they have some ideas that I don't cover!)

One big thing about trying to break a habit (any habit!) is that it's easier to replace the thing you want to stop doing with something else than it is to just stop altogether. So to that end, is there any sexual media you enjoy that just makes you feel good, without any complicated feelings? Or can you come up with any other way to make masturbating without the media you want to avoid feel special and appealing?

If you don't know the answers to those questions, I think that this article might be helpful for you: How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own Terms It has a bunch of ideas for how to explore fantasies in a way that feels good for you and fits with your values.

[Heather]

Hannah gave you some great advice there!

I'd also be curious to hear a little more about what happens when you try not to engage with sexual media in general, or with specific sexual media that you don't really want to. Does this still happen when, for instance, you're not online? When you're busy with other things? If and when you block your browser from the sites that you go to but don't want to? When you're around other people?