Struggling not to accept my mother's reality

[sandpiper]

So I'm visiting my family for the first time since before Thanksgiving and just having a bit of a rough time staying connected to a sense of what I know is true. Wondering whether anyone has any ideas for how to know what is real in situations like this.

My mom is extremely critical of everything about me. I tend to try to take it in good humor and not start a scene, but I have also been trying to spend less time in that environment in ways that are not confrontational. (I moved out at 18 and have only visited my family a few times a year since. But I still try to keep up what looks like a polite, cordial relationship by calling weekly. It just always makes me feel so much worse.)

What's really bothering me today is not the constant criticism about anything and everything (from my relationship to career choices to trying to guess my weight and pressuring me to weigh myself and making all kinds of comments about my body), but her insistence that I surround myself with yes-men in my day-to-day life and she is the only one who is telling me the truth.

In my day to day life surrounded by people who are generally respectful and kind to me, I have gotten to really like myself. I tend to think I am honestly pretty cool, very funny and creative, and have some unique strengths and ways I am trying to help people. I love my body and how it looks and feels. I enjoy my relationships. I don't care what (most people) think and I enjoy my career choices.

But when I go home and see her, she insists none of that is true, that everyone around me affirming any of that is "even crazier than you are," and that she's the only one who's not afraid to tell me the truth: that I'm an ugly, lazy, broke, fat loser who just can't get her shit together, doesn't have a real career, isn't in a real relationship, doesn't eat or exercise right or just live right, doesn't have a sense of humor, etc.

I have gotten pretty good at not caring what most people think about me, but my mom is one of the 2 I still really feel and I really struggle with feeling really down after I call her every week and the few times a year I visit are awful. In the past after going home I've made choices I really regret like taking a new job I ended up really hating (and studying things in college I had zero interest in, which I am not using) just because it might be more similar to what she wants of me.

But today she overtly told me that she's going to make fun of me no matter what, and that I "need someone to roast me." I always try to laugh along because it's made absolutely no difference to try to convey how hurt I feel; all this does is give her an opportunity to talk about how overly sensitive and weak I am and how there's so much wrong with me, how I was a really difficult/manipulative child and thus really deserved whatever happened, etc.

Also, I really don't want to look weak or like I can't take it in front of my younger brother. I like and respect him and really want to have a good relationship with him and I don't want him to think I'm being a wuss not coming home anymore or calling our mom every week anymore.

This is a little bit of a rant, I guess. I'm 23 years old and have a bus ticket out of here in 2 days. I don't need any urgent support. I'm just really frustrated with my inability to stop caring what she thinks, and I feel like I'm losing my mind the way my whole sense of what is real and what isn't goes topsy-turvy every time I'm here.

She really wants me to believe all my friends are absolutely insane people that are egging me on for no good reason and encouraging me to make poor choices in life, that I'm some kind of impulsive bridge-jumper and I intentionally surround myself who encourage me to make poor choices. She's actually taken my partner aside so scold him about not somehow making me make "better life choices."

(Side note: people who are not my mom will absolutely call me one of the most level-headed, non-impulsive, and generally temperate and even-keeled people they have ever met. I am stable, employed, and have safety nets and friends. I do not make choices destructive of myself or others. I'm just... not a doctor/lawyer/engineer? 10 pounds heavier than I was in college? That sort of thing.)

But whenever I'm in this space and dare feel like maybe I am actually a really cool person with great relationships and a fine body and I should enjoy myself and my life and be kind to myself, I feel like I'm burying my head in the sand, like I'm ignoring "the truth" as only she is brave enough to tell me it and am listening to people I've curated to enable me.

I just really struggle with that sense of, what if actually my entire concept of my reality is wrong? Because this person that's supposed to know me really well and know what's best for me and help me has always insisted that I am actually inadequate in all kinds of ways and generally really severely failing at life.

I just feel like I'm drowning in shame being here, with every single word being one of open ridicule, trying to laugh along since fighting back makes it a million times worse and makes me look crazy and over-emotional, etc. And in a similar vein I feel like I'd be dismissed as being a dramatic drama queen in trying to take more steps away from seeing or talking with her -- I already live far away and only call weekly and visit a few times a year.

I feel like I should be over this by own as an adult with my own life. I wonder how I can shake the hold she has on my concept of my reality and strengthen the one I have when I am talking to literally anyone else.

I've always struggled with this sense that I'd follow someone confidently giving the wrong physical directions for a long time without questioning them, even if it's a road I've taken a hundred times before. I am still so quick to accept anyone else's read on reality as by default more valid as my own, and my own being wrong and entirely incorrect, especially compared to hers. I generally think of myself as someone with a lot of confidence but this makes it quite difficult to stick to my guns about anything or stick up for what I perceive as my own experience.

Mostly just a rant. Felt good to get out. Thanks. <3

[MaybeBi19]

I’m so sorry your mom makes you feel this way . I’m not a therapist but I do recommend you cut her out of your life or at least try to cut down visits with her. It just seems like she wants you to feel bad about yourself, and is being abusive. Also I’m just another user, so sorry if I wasn’t supposed to reply.

[KierC]

Hey sandpiper!

We’re always here for longer posts, you’re totally good! I’m glad it felt good to talk about how you’ve been feeling. I’m hearing you that being home with your mom is rough, and that she’s insisting things about you that you know not to be true. It sounds like you’re holding onto your knowledge of yourself (that you’re a good person, that your friends are good and honest people, that you deserve to be happy, that your worth is not defined by your looks), but it also sounds like it’s a bit hard to hold onto those beliefs and affirmations during visits with your mom.

I have two questions/ideas to start:

1. Can you tell me a little bit about how boundary-setting goes with your mom? Do you feel like you could set some limits with her comments toward you?
2. It sounds like the friends in your life are people who you trust and care about, who make you feel good. Are you able to call them or contact them for support when you’re with your mom?

[sandpiper]

Thanks, KierC. <3

When it comes to boundaries: honestly, no, this doesn't seem to work. I've tried to ask that we not talk about certain things since I don't think it's productive, but she just insists she has a right to say whatever she wants and I'm just trying to bury my head in the sand and not hear the truth but she's going to tell me anyway, etc. She's kind of just laughed at any attempt I've made to ask to not have certain kinds of conversations. I guess I could also be way better at just being like "I'm not engaging with this" just to see what happens, though I expect what follows would just be her making fun of me and then continuing to tell me what she thinks.

And I did end up texting my partner last night and felt s lot better hearing some affirmation from him. And I talked to my brother today and that made me feel better too. He and I are very different and my mom gets on my case way more since he's going along more with her idea of what his career should be, but she still really meddles in his personal relationships in a way that stresses him out, same as she does for me. I felt less alone there and less like she must be right about everything than I did last night before talking about it here and with them.

I kind of want to stop calling her every week but I don't know how to posit that in a way that isn't going to feel like I'm trying to cause drama? Or maybe I can schedule her a very short slot of time each week or something and act like I'm too busy to spend more, just to regulate how much of my energy this takes up regularly.

[KierC]

Ah, I’m sorry to hear that it’s been this way. It sounds incredibly frustrating, and I hear you that it’s disheartening to try and set verbal boundaries and have them be ignored. I agree with you, at this point I think it could give you a welcome reprieve to schedule less calls when you can. Setting a hard limit about this kind of talk is ideal, but when somebody doesn’t listen to your boundaries, it’s time to take a step back. Know what I mean? Do you feel comfortable and able to set less time with her?

[sandpiper]

Yeah, I think that would be a good step, thank you. It's validating to hear an outside perspective.

I also wonder what I can do to strengthen my idea of myself (and my confidence in my choices, perspective, and what I feel is true) further to be better equipped to not be bothered by this. Do you have any ideas about this for me? I like the idea of affirmations -- not even as a mechanically repeated list necessarily, just getting in touch and reminding myself how I and almost everyone else see me -- though in that space I'm quick to tell myself I'm just being deluded and ignoring what might actually be the "truth" (her truth).

I've gotten fairly good at not concerning myself with what most people have to say; it's just my mom and an old predatory boss of mine that really live in my head rent-free and make me feel really shy and insecure taking steps towards the kind of life and career I want.

[CaitlinEve]

Although I wish we could give you the magic answer that can definitely help strengthen your confidence and self-image, it may take some time and experimenting to find what works for you! I first want to direct you to this article, which has some ideas of self-care you might find helpful (Self-Care: A La Carte)! I also want to provide you with two other articles that touch on self-confidence:

1. Be Your Own Superhero: Leaning How And When To Stand Up For Ourselves.
2. How To Actually Date Yourself: (this article mentions at the beginning that it's 'for' single individuals, but I think the tips in it would be helpful to you even while the situation you're working on isn't a romantic relationship!)

[sandpiper]

Thanks so much, Caitlin. Those articles were helpful, especially the one about dating yourself. There are some good ideas here I'm going to spend some time thinking about.

[KierC]

Hi sandpiper!

I’m so glad to hear the articles Cat sent were helpful. If you come into any more questions or thoughts as you think more about these ideas, feel free to let us know. We’re here for you.