how to not feel like a loser about my kink

[eggsquisite]

okay okay okay, so let me explain
first of all, i want you to understand that this is not me feeling disgust with myself, and i dont have any partners to worry about this for. i know about your fantasies not being your morals, and that it's what you do that matters, and that's mostly not what i'm worried about

so, i have a few more intense things i think about, but one of the things that consistently pops up is some form of non-consentual sexual act with me as the perpetrator.
and i've unfortunately seen a lot of internet drama about being into stuff like that

so i'm thinking, maybe my friends would hate that, and i would lose them. or maybe i'll be the target of internet drama. i mean, if i get a partner or something and they end up being somebody who would think im gross for that, it takes very little for them to tell people about it. and this probably doesnt matter a lot but it does make one feel poopy that some people out there equate me as bad as like. an actual abuser

i know this is not that serious but it's a pretty big fear of mine

[Heather]

Hey there.

So, what I hear you describing is something that, so far, is sexual fantasy inside your head, rather than something you are doing with anyone else or want to do. Do I have that right?

Do I also have it right that you don’t have anyone you would currently tell or choose to tell about this fantasy? Or in the near future?

[eggsquisite]

Hey there.

So, what I hear you describing is something that, so far, is sexual fantasy inside your head, rather than something you are doing with anyone else or want to do. Do I have that right?

Do I also have it right that you don’t have anyone you would currently tell or choose to tell about this fantasy? Or in the near future?

yeah everythings right! to clarify for the first bit, i would roleplay or something if somebody else agreed to it, but uh yeah

[eggsquisite]

i said a lot of words in my first message but largely it's just "i'm afraid of being judged" but more long

[Heather]

Gotcha, thanks for filling me in and getting to the core of this for you.

So, I will say this: people make value judgments about other people all the time, and I think it's fair to say that more times than not, it's not useful to anyone, it's very subjective, AND it also rarely does harm. In fact, most times when people are judging us, we'll never even know, because it's usually just a thought someone has.

I actually find the term "kink," especially in this context and in this era, extraordinarily unhelpful. I'll spare you my rambling on about the many reasons why, but I think in your case, it's unhelpful because it makes it sound and feel like something you are doing, and that is also necessarily weird or unusual, when instead it is just a thought in your head that turns you on, and a sexual fantasy that is extraordinarily common, no less.

That isn't that surprising, since, of course, nonconsensual sex is not something a majority of people want to actually do to someone, since as an act, not a thought, it's an abuse -- having it as a fantasy instead allows people to have this very common exciting-to-them thought (sometimes as the person doing, other times as the person it is being done to, sometimes either) and feel all the spicy feelings it can give without having to harm anyone or feel bad.

Whether we're talking about maybe telling someone else about this fantasy or about roleplaying around it with a partner in the future, there are totally things you can do to assure that you're either only sharing this with someone who will be great with you about it, and maybe even share your fantasy OR who, even if they feel uncomfortable about what you're sharing, even if they don't want to be part of this with you, will handle those feelings or reactions well. Most of that just has to do with building real trust with the people you tell about this over time.

That said, most people will also survive being judged or having people say stupid things about their sexuality in some way or another. Most of us who are queer or have been outwardly sexual in any way have dealt with this to some degree at least once (and for some of us, many many times), and while it certainly is no fun, while it can even really hurt, it's usually very survivable, especially if we surround ourselves with and cultivate support as a practice. In other words (speaking of a lot of words! ): when we build good, mutually supportive relationships of all kinds and community, even someone being stupid and shitty about something like this can usually only have so much impact. Know what I mean?