Having a hard time accepting fetishes and desires

[Linkamunch]

Hihi this is my first post here, I apologize for any grammar mistakes or anything of the sort, I will try my best to keep this as readable as possible.

I'm AFAB, 15 years old. For the last 9 or 10 years I have had this fetish that has stuck with me and I've had a hard time coming to terms with it. I don't to go into what the fetish/desire is specifically, I am somewhat ashamed of it. I remember the exact moment it started for me so clearly, I had unrestricted Internet access when I was a little kid, it's always been sort of a problem. It was a video I had watched and I remember having this feeling that told me what I watched was "wrong" and I knew not to tell anyone at the time because I felt I'd get in trouble.

Ever since then my urges and sexual desires have increased and it's sort of messed up my mental health. It's lead to intrusive thoughts that brought me great distress and harmful behaviors to myself.

I have had this sort of like. In and out relationship with my fetish? Where on some days I'm like "This is horrible, I'm disgusting" and on other days I'll be like "It's my interest, why should I care what others think". It's overwhelming sometimes when the switch in thoughts occur and I have a harder time accepting my fetish rather than not.

I like doing heavy research on mental health and sexual behavior stuff and I've read a lot about people having a hard time breaking away from their fetish, it's the only thing that they can really get pleasure from and that's sort of the thing I have had happen and it's a bit stressful to me and at times I wish this had never happened honestly

[KierC]

Hey there Linkamunch, and welcome to the boards! We’re glad to have you here. Also don’t worry, your post is very readable.

Before we dive in, I want to ask about you using the words fetish and desire, as I hear you using them an bit interchangeably. A desire is something someone want to do sexually, and a fetish is specifically defined as an object someone *needs* to experience arousal or sexual satisfaction. Does the difference between those words give you some clarity on your interest or desire?

It sounds like you’re experiencing shame surrounding the interest or desire you’ve come across. I am sorry to hear you’re experiencing this shame, I know it can feel really crummy when the “this is horrible” feelings start to pop up. There is nothing wrong with having sexual interests or desires, or being sexually aroused by a form of media you saw. But I hear you that you feel like you’re having more distressing thoughts and harmful behaviors. When you say harmful behaviors, do you mean that you are hurting yourself physically, or is this more of a concern that engaging with this desire is harmful? Too, with the distressing thoughts, do you find yourself struggling with intrusive thoughts throughout the day about other things too, or is it mostly about this?

[Linkamunch]

Thx for the reply!!

I will say I do believe it's more of a fetish. My interest is kinda the only thing that I can really get gratification from no matter how much I try to get into other things.

With the harmful behaviors it's mostly self harm. The interest isn't harmful per se, it's just the constant thoughts really get to me. And getting into the thought aspect, It's mostly intrusive thoughts about this alone on a day to day basis. I don't usually have thoughts like this with other subjects.

[KierC]

You are welcome!

Ah, I understand what you mean now. Thank you for clarifying, it helps. It sounds like these thoughts are really distressing, and I’m sorry to hear that this has been a source of pain for you.

Before we go further, I want to make sure that you’re physically safe with regard to self-harm. We don’t have the resources here to help with that in the way that would be most supportive, and we first need to make sure that you’re safe before we can talk about other things. You’re not in trouble at all, we just want to make sure you’re safe. <3 Are you struggling with self-harm currently? If so, would you be open to having some resources that are tailored to help ?

[Linkamunch]

For maybe the last month or so I've been clean from harming myself, I've been trying to avoid hurting myself in any way. I've been doing better!! I've been getting help for it, but some resources would still be nice just in case.

[Jacob]

Thanks for sharing that Linkamunch! Good job on what sounds like a time where you've been addressing your needs and doing stuff like reaching out here! It makes sense that self-harm has lessened for you!

I don't have any immediate resources to point you towards right away but I can look into it for sure.

I can say there are spaces to point yourself away from. Sadly folks online with these kinds of struggles can bounce off each-other in less-than-helpful ways (no thanks to some of the technologies involved) so unfortunately I'd probably avoid most online communities but if you wanted to explore community-based support, instead I'd look for groups that have a well managed and moderated structure, like in-person support groups attached to young people's services. I'd also do yourself the kindness of avoiding resources that go hard on "Just don't do it!" type messages. The reality is that we all deal with stress and mental health struggles in different ways, and feeding into self-criticism by simplifying the bigger system of your mental health into this one thing put's a lot of pressure on you, when other parts of that system can be to do with other people's issues and actions.

The really good kind of resource is something that gives you flexibility and makes you feel able to work on whichever influences on your mental health it's most helpful to address at your own pace.

I don't know if it was a slip-of-the-tongue, but I should also remind you that there's nothing "dirty" about you for having self harmed, for you to be "clean" from now. You're a valuable, important and a person worthy of care regardless of where you are in your journey with self-harm!