Fantasies are impossible

[Wisteria]

It's hard for me to get in the mood because the only things I fantasize about are impossible or just wouldn't happen in the real world. Masturbation and sex are a bust because I'm never in the mood and it just ends up hurting. The only slight pleasure I can get is from my own writing and it's about impossible things. I want to have sex really badly and I want to feel good but I end up making my partner feel good while I'm left a little bored. I know roleplay exists but my interests are so weird that I fear I'll never find a partner who would want to play along. I just feel like my sex life is doomed.

[KierC]

Hey Wisteria,

I want to start by saying that your sex life is not doomed. It’s not weird to have a sexual fantasy that sparks arousal, in fact many people find that sexual fantasies make them feel more aroused. It’s also important to remember that sexual fantasy is just that (a fantasy), and it won’t impact your life without you wanting it to. But I hear you that you’re worried about the impossibility of your fantasies and how that may or may not play into real life sexual situations and experiencing arousal with a partner. I have an initial thought on this, and I’m wondering how you feel about it. Sometimes, we may feel that our fantasies are impossible, and that can certainly play into the enjoyment of the fantasy. But, when you’re feeling badly about the impossibility, or feeling like it’s completely incompatible with in-person life, it can help not only to remember that it is a fantasy, but also to look for the feelings and desires involved in the fantasy. You may find that, while the fantasy itself might be fictional, the desires and feelings associated are not impossible or weird at all. Does that make sense? If so, do you have any initial reactions to that?

[Wisteria]

I'm very sorry but I'm not so sure what you mean by this. Could you please clarify a bit?

[KierC]

Oh, no worries at all! I can explain a bit more. I mean that fantasies can sometimes give you clues about what desires you might have. And, if you look deeper at the fantasy, it might turn out that the deeper desire underneath that fantasy is something that many folks share. As an example, some fantasies may seem purely fictional, but those fantasies can be more deeply about feeling a sense of security, fullness, safety, etc. (depending on the fantasy). I mostly share that to let you know that you’re not alone, you’re not weird for having fantasies, and it’s likely that others also share these deeper desires. Does that make a little more sense?

I also think, if that’s not such a helpful avenue of thought, this article we have on our site would be a more helpful introduction to fantasy and desire: How To Approach Sexual Fantasy And Desire On Your Own Terms. How does that sound to you?

[Wisteria]

Ah okay thank you!

Sorry for the late reply;
I'm not quite sure what that'd mean in this context, it doesn't really have to do with any sort of feeling it's just something I've been infatuated with since I can remember. My problem is that I can't really feel anything without it so I'm not sure how to have a fulfilling sex life when it can't be brought into fruition.

[KierC]

No worries, you can always reply whenever you feel like it.

I hear you when you say it’s hard to feel anything without it. When you’ve tried, do you find the fantasy to be sort of an intrusive or distracting thought? Too, is the arousal without it dampened/does it feel lower, or do you not feel arousal at all without it?

[Wisteria]

Not really distracting, I just get extremely bored and give up. And I don't think I feel anything without it; if I do then it's very slight to the point I can't tell if it's arousal or not.

[Sofi]

It seems like you're trying to reject these fantasies out of fear, which is making pleasure more difficult (remember- our primary sex organ is our brain). When we go into things like sex, whether solo or partnered, with expectations and putting pressure on ourselves to think about something specific, or to NOT think about something specific, it can just make it harder to even enjoy any of it.

It might be a good idea for you to lean in and try to explore these fantasies, since there's nothing wrong with having them to begin with. Fantasies often change over time, but if we make them out to be this "bad" thing, they're more likely to become a nagging unresolved thought that just won't go away. Allowing ourselves to explore them is usually the better way to go about it. Our director Heather wrote a great advice column for someone having a similar conflict, please give it a read and let me know your thoughts:
BDSM fantasy: will it limit my sex life?

[Wisteria]

Sometimes I engage in it through writing, I've been better about rejecting it. My problem is that they're the only way I can feel any semblance of arousal and that I'm not attracted to anything normal, so I'm not sure how I'd be able to have "regular" sex despite wanting to really badly. It's not really something I can fantasize about during sex because if I were to I'd have to do "weird" stuff to the other person. Sorry if I seem like I'm going in circles I'm just trying to clarify since I don't think I did a good job at explaining

[Heather]

Hey there, Wisteria.

So, usually when people fantastize during sex, they don't have to do what they are fantasizing about. It sounds like this isn't something you've tried yet to know how it feels for you, so that would be something I'd suggest you give a try with. You have control of your actions, and of course, as with anything else with sex, it's not like you'd do anything to or with someone without seeking their consent first anyway, so I don't think you have to worry about doing something that you and a partner don't actually want to do in person together because of fantasizing about it.

That all said, without knowing what you're actually talking about, I'd encourage you even more to seek out what you actually want sexually to the degree that it is actually possible IRL. Truly, if one person is into something, you can always be sure that you aren't the only person who is, because there are billions of people in the world and because sexuality is so, so very diverse. Depending on what it is you want, you may have to make some adaptations if, like you say, what you want simply isn't realistically possible or safe, but chances are good that whatever the IRL versions of what actually turns you on are will be a lot more exciting and satisfying than having kinds of sex that don't interest you or that you don't want, or only fantasizing about this.

Do you want to brainstorm about what those adaptations might be able to look like?

[Wisteria]

Yes please and thank you very much. The things I was talking about was getting somebody pregnant/feeling them up while they're pregnant and another one that is just completely impossible. I'm mostly fixated on the stomach. Sorry, this is a bit strange to say aloud

[HannahP]

Hi Wisteria! You don't have to apologize — I know it can feel very vulnerable to talk about fantasies.

First I want to say that fantasizing about pregnancy, pregnant bodies, and getting someone pregnant is actually quite common. I understand your concern that this is not a "realistic" fantasy in the sense that it can't be lived out every time you have sex (or at all, if you don't actually want to have kids), but there are many people who are interested in dirty talking or role playing along these lines while they have sex.

It is also common for people to enjoy sexual fantasies without necessarily acting on them at all. If you wanted to have sex with a partner who didn't enjoy fantasizing, dirty talking, or roleplaying about this, it would be okay for you to think about it just in your own head.

With that in mind, that this wouldn't have to limit the sexual experiences you have in the future with others, do you think that would make you feel more comfortable exploring your fantasies on your own? I think that writing about it and fantasizing about it are really great outlets and could be a very positive way to bring pleasure and enjoyment into your life. What do you think?

[Wisteria]

Thank you for telling me it's normal. Hopefully I can meet a partner who is okay with me thinking this way about them. Even if they're not pregnant I'd still be okay with just touching their stomach. I guess all that can be done is pray to find the right person.

[Andy]

Hi Wisteria, so glad to hear talking here has been helpful!

With how many different people there are out there, I think it’s entirely possible you will not only find partners who are okay with that but even those that are excited about it as well!