lesbian in relationship with gay man ~ what will people think?

[camila]

hello scarleteen, i'm cami and this is my first post! :)

i came here because ... well ... google isn't going to answer this one! and i am a little nervous but here goes.

my doubts are of social nature rather than an issue with my identity. i know in my heart i am a lesbian, but i have kept my relationship a secret, because i'm worried about what people will think about me being attracted to a transgender man. i am in a strong sexual/platonic relationship with him. (we do not have a traditional romantic relationship, and on paper we are friends—but it is still very different from my friendships, and i don't think the term "friends with benefits" represents our feelings or our dynamic.)

i understand that there are some transgender men who may feel a connection to womanhood or femininity, and depending on their experiences, living a part of their life perceived/raised/identifying as a woman may have shaped their identity in a way that they are comfortable embracing. to my understanding, this represents my partner. this would also make sense to most of the queer people i talk to. the thing i fear might confuse people though is that while i'm a lesbian, he identifies as gay; he is attracted to men, and i think this label is very closely associated with a male identity—which most people would think is incompatible with my lesbian one, and viceversa. (it is also important to note that he knows i'm a lesbian and is obviously comfortable with this.)

i am not a man but i am butch, and present with attributes that he finds attractive; he is not a woman but presents with attributes that i am very attracted to as well. i don't have an issue making sense of my relationship because i have a very flexible view on gender and sexuality. things that seem contradictory on the surface make complete sense to me. (queer people from the 90s are my heroes in that regard)

what i'm worried about however, is judgment from other people, and i feel so juvenile for it. it is like i'm in high school all over again! i do think even for the more open-minded queer people that i know, the idea of a lesbian and a gay man in a relationship might raise some eyebrows. this insecurity has actually been getting to me lately, i think i shouldn't feel pressure to "come out" but i love my relationship and i want to be open about it and share my love with friends. i am just so scared of rejection, and of our queer friends questioning either of our identities. i don't want someone to tell us that we are pansexual or bisexual, because we have each explored the possibility and decided we aren't.

i would appreciate some insight or advice .. thank you in advance, this was a bit of an emotional post but i hope there is something to work with as well.

[Jacob]

Hi cami, welcome to Scarleteen!

Maybe you could clarify who you're thinking of when you say "people" - my guess it's probably more than one diverse group, right?

I'll say that nowadays "lesbian" can be an identity which encompasses more than one kind of attraction, with more than one kind of person, but you may still come across folks who do try and police you and tell you that your words are wrong, but you're allowed to tell those people you don't agree, and continue to describe yourself as you please, AND be open about your relationships.

I'm not a transguy, but I am nonbinary and I've been in at least one past relationship with a self-identified lesbian who left me out of what they said publicly about their love-life and to other partners who didn't know we had been a thing - an omission I only realized was taking place waaaay later. It was pretty painful to learn that someone who was such a big part of my life had made such a small part of theirs!

So from my experience of the other side, one of the things I'd also do is check-in with your partner about is how he feels about this - it might provide some perspective on whose opinion you value more - the people you're intimate with, or people you don't know but who might be judgemental, but haven't actually revealed themselves yet.

I'm sure, in a way, you've been trying to protect both of you from outside criticism, but it would be very rewarding, I'm sure, to come to an agreement about this together in a way that can hopefully feel validating for both of you!

Have you spoken to him already? Or do you think that could be a good move?

[camila]

hi jacob! thank you for the quick response!!!

when i said "people" i just meant friends and maybe wider social network, i think it was my failed attempt at conciseness ...

your reply was very helpful. i especially appreciate your anecdote. it made me think about this differently, especially because i had a similar experience in highschool. my ex-girlfriend tried to exclude me from her friendships entirely because she was scared—it was upsetting because i thought it was a problem with me for a long time. i don't want to put my partner through anything like that

also, this is more lighthearted. but i thought of that hayley kiyoko song.. "what i need". which is about this exact thing, of keeping your queer relationship secret because you're scared. and when i was a middle schooler i'd listen to that song and think "her girlfriend sucks for doing that!" so i figure i also shouldn't let little me down!!!

"it might provide some perspective on whose opinion you value more - the people you're intimate with, or people you don't know but who might be judgemental, but haven't actually revealed themselves yet." ~ this excerpt also touched me, and i searched my own feelings and realized that i would have appreciated my girlfriend's honesty with her friends. i didn't want her to put her friendships on the line but it was a pretty miserable experience and i wish she realized that if they had reacted negatively, they wouldn't be worth her time. this is the same situation, just in different packaging. this was when i decided to bring it up to him

anyways - i was chatting with him the day before last, and the topic of our identities came up spontaneously. we actually learned some new things about each other and i thought it was a good time to bring this issue up. in response he admitted he purposefully hadn't been open about our relationship either. we established some new boundaries and went laxer on some old ones. we also tried to define our relationship a little better. so, in general, it was a very nice conversation. i know he is less open about relationships than i am, not because of shame but because that's his personality. so we agreed we didn't have to make a "thing" out of coming out about our relationship, but if someone got curious, we would be truthful about what was going on even if it made us nervous. we've yet to do that, so baby steps i guess, but i'm a lot more at ease now and i think he is too. i think i am just happy that we even talked about it

thank you again, hearing about someone else's experience is usually that push i need, because i can get in my head a lot

[KierC]

Hi Cami

I hope it’s okay that I’m popping in briefly today, I’ve been following this thread! I am so glad that Jacob’s reply was helpful and prompted you to think of this in connection to other points in your life. Also, I wanted to say how happy I am to hear about the conversation you had with him the day before last. What a lovely update, and it sounds like you both learned a lot about each others’ identities and were able to be open and honest. I’m so glad it made you feel at ease, too. How relieving it is to have an open discussion that leaves you both feeling lighter hearted.

If you have more questions, more updates, or ever want to make a new post, we’re here for you!

[Ro S]

Hi Cami,

I'm really glad Jacob's words resonated with you and you felt like you could think about things from a different perspective. I'm really happy to hear you had that conversation and that it opened a path to feel more connected, understood and take a little weight off your shoulders!

Definitely be sure to celebrate those baby steps! It's not easy tackling things in relationships when we get in our heads but you communicated openly about what was going on for you and discussed it together - that is definitely something to be celebrated <3