Dealing with feelings

[Marsalin]

I’ve been with my partner for over half a year now and things have been going good outside of us being able to see each other consistently. Since we started dating in November we have maybe only been able to see each other 20 or so times and only twice privately. I don’t know how it’s been for them but for me I miss them often and it manifests in a lot of big emotions. I just don’t know what to do about this as it’s difficult not being able to see them often and the way I feel when it’s been awhile since seeing them makes me uncomfortable. Any advice on what I should do?

[Sofi]

Hi Marsalin!

First off, your feelings are totally valid - relationships can bring up a lot of big emotions, and you're doing a good thing by acknowledging them and trying to work through them.

A couple questions: are you two long distance? If so, is it possible to see each other more often or is this the amount that makes sense and fits into your lives? And if not, are they declining seeing you sometimes, or has it just not been brought up?

I'm also wondering, have you spoken to them about this? Based on you saying "I don't know how it's been for them", I assume no, but I figured I'd confirm. If not, this is definitely something I suggest bringing up to them. These are the moments in a relationship where we get the opportunity to open up and be vulnerable and see how they react, connect on a deeper level, and work on your communication. I'm sure your partner doesn't want you to feel like this and they're not even aware of it.

That aside, I wonder where the uncomfortable feelings are stemming from. Do you feel like they don't want to see you as often as you do, or they're too busy for it? Some couples are okay seeing each other only every other week or so, and that works out for them. Others prefer to see each other weekly or more often, and that's okay too. But without communicating about this, there's no way to know where they're at and if you're on the same page or not. So the first step here is to have an honest chat with them about it. How does that make you feel? Do you want some help navigating that conversation?

[Marsalin]

We are kind of long distance. We are about two hours apart by bus so it’s a four hour commitment of travel for one of us to see each other. I know we both want to see each other more, they just aren’t comfortable meeting privately which is something they know I would like. I’m fine with that, it just feels bad bringing up how I feel since parts of it need privacy (as in sexual feelings). I don’t want to feel like I’m pressuring them into something. I’ll try talking to them, it’s just difficult since I know what they are comfortable with right now and I don’t want that chat to come across as trying to pass those lines. They are completely comfortable with those talks, it’s just more of a personal thing.

[Latha]

Hi Marsalin,

If you’re worried about pressuring your partner, it might help to tell them that you don’t want to do that upfront. Start your conversation by telling them that you are just communicating about your feelings. You might say that you’re aware that they don’t want to meet in private, and you are not trying to convince them otherwise.

If I may ask, how do you keep in touch when you are away from each other? Would it help to focus on ways you two can foster closeness and connection when you can’t meet in person?

[Marsalin]

Thanks for the suggestion. I’ll try that when I’m ready. We mainly just talk over discord and that’s how we stay connected. Used to be able to meet at school but I had life happen and wasn’t there for the second semester so it’s been hard to meet up since then.

[KierC]

Hey Marsalin,

I’m glad to hear that Latha’s suggestion was helpful. I also just wanted to pop in and say I’m sorry to hear that it’s been hard to see your partner recently, it sounds like it’s been difficult missing them. I’m hopeful that talking to them about how you’re feeling could help, and maybe they’re feeling similarly and you can connect on it! Is there any support you see yourself needing surrounding this? How do you feel about reaching out over discord?

[Marsalin]

I would be good reaching out over discord. I don’t have anything else right now. Thanks for the help

[KierC]

You are welcome! I hope you have a great day ahead.

[Marsalin]

What should I do for discord if I want to reach out there? Hope you have a good day as well

[KierC]

Hi Marsalin!

Do you mean talking to your partner over Discord? I would just reach out how you normally would, or you could reach out and tell them you’ve been missing them and ask if they want to spend some time talking about it. Do those sound doable, or did you mean something else?

[Marsalin]

Oh, I miss understood. All good. Thanks

[Sofi]

Hi Marsalin,

I feel like we didn't really get around to discussing how to feel better about the situation, so I'll jump back in if that's okay.

I saw you said your partner doesn't want to meet privately. Is the reason because they're just not comfortable enough with you yet? That's a valid boundary, but since you've been together for over half a year, I wonder why they aren't yet. Maybe that can be a conversation you have - not to push that boundary or convince them to meet privately, but to understand where they're coming from better and how you can help them feel more comfortable. If it helps approach this chat, think about it not as a confrontation, but as you trying to connect with your partner and find a solution that works for both of you.

Ultimately, if they never plan on getting to know you well enough to want to meet privately, and that's something you want... it could be that you two just have incompatible needs and wants out of a relationship. And that's okay - it wouldn't mean either of you is doing anything wrong. Sometimes we just have very different needs and we can't meet each others', which is a reasonable reason to walk away from something. Everyone deserves a relationship where they feel safe, happy, comfortable and respected - whatever that looks like. <3

[Marsalin]

They just aren’t comfortable meeting privately because of what it entails. The only place we can meet privately is my place and that’s either a totally of 4 hours of buses or having to have their parents drive them. The buses are just really difficult for them and they can’t get their parents to drive them because their somewhat homophobic and my partner doesn’t want them to know they are in a relationship, let alone a queer relationship yet. We have talked about that already and both wish we could meet more privately but that’s just not possible unfortunately.

[Marsalin]

I would like any suggestions you may have for this. I hope I’m not being to pushy or anything.

[Heather]

Not at all, Marsalin. Apologies for answers taking a little longer than usual: we have a new batch of volunteers who have been coming in and have been trying to leave posts for them.

Can I ask: are you going back to school in the fall? In other words, will the distance issue solve itself in that way (and I recognize that is not necessarily the only issue)? Or are you not going back, so the distance is something you need to solve for or address as it is, since it won't change in time unless you two do something around it?

[Marsalin]

They are going to University and i have to upgrade. The long term plan is we will be at the same university but that might not happen till next year. Until then distance will still be an issue as we are both stay at home for the for seeable future (till after university likely). We also both can't drive and have no plan to change that so bussing is the only option at least till January where we will hopefully see each other at university.

Also all good for the late reply. I just sent that message as i have seen other posts had been answered a few hours ago and wanted to put in a reminder incase mine got missed. I wish you and the volunteers well.

[Heather]

I appreciate that, thanks.

So, how do you feel about this relationship if you potentially might not see each other for another year?

[Marsalin]

We will still see each other just not privately. We have to meet in the middle at libraries and such. We are trying to see each other a few times a month.

[Heather]

Ah, I'm sorry, I misunderstood that part.

So, am I right then in getting that they do not *want* to meet privately, even in the middle, and it's more about not wanting to be alone together more than about the distance? Or am I still not quite getting it (sorry if I'm being daft!).

[Marsalin]

It seems like we both want to meet alone but it's difficult because of other factors like travel.

[Heather]

Okay.

So, is meeting alone but in the middle, like you have been, something you have talked about? For instance, since you're both legal adults, is it possible to do something like rent a space (like an AirBNB or a hotel or a camp cabin)?

[Marsalin]

We are not both adults yet. We are just under a year apart. Maybe we can when we are able. I've now had some time and i think things have improved for me. I'll see how things go and message if i have more questions.

[Heather]

Ah, I see. And of course. We're happy to keep talking with you about this at any point you want to. I hope you can find a place with all of this that feels right for you, Marsalin.