I don’t think I’ve ever had a home and that’s really scary

[Spacejellyfish]

Hi my name is Eli, I’m 17 and I just moved out of my parents house. It was right before school ended. I left because I have never had a good relationship with my parents and they told me to pack my bags. It’s a long story and I’m kinda tired of telling it. But today was my mom’s birthday and I went back, I’ve gone back before because I have younger siblings that I don’t feel right about just leaving. But it always makes me feel sick because I don’t think it was the right thing for me to do, leaving that is.

I just hate that I made that decision and that I might have been throwing away the only chance I had of a family. I’m living with a friend. But longer I’ve been here the less sure I am that she is my friend. She constantly makes me feel horrible about myself and ignores me and leaves me out and talks down to me. Her parents and older sister are nice but i always feel out of place no matter how many times they tell me I’m part of the family.

I have a cousin that has always been my ride or die, him and I both are queer and have always had each others backs in our disfunctunal family. But today he wanted to go on a walk while I was at my parents house, and I told him I couldn’t because me leaving the door is a big thing for my whole family and I just don’t want to make my parents more upset then I need to and he started telling me I was being overdramatic and ended up leaving without me.

Idk I know it’s dumb but it just felt like I couldn’t explain to him anything in that moment because my situation is so confusing to even me, I don’t know how to feel or what to do and everyone in my life feels like the wrong person to talk to. I have been purely surviving on distractions.

My support system is my two ASL teachers but I have to wait till school starts to be able to have that again. I just feel like no matter where I go or who I talk to I don’t belong and so never have. It’s really scary to be this alone. I don’t know if I should even keep trying because it just keeps falling apart

[mikky]

Hi Eli, thanks for being here.

It seems like leaving your parents house was a hard decision, one that I am sure you had many reasons to choose. I think that regret comes with any decision, good or bad, because of the what if.

It also must be terribly hard and disappointing that your friend and cousin are not showing up for you in the way that you need at this hard time. It seems like you've recognized that your friend is being harmful- I would agree that she doesn't seem to be acting much like a friend.

You are certainly not alone in your loneliness. What a painful, difficult experience, and one that many queer folks go through. I will say that because of that, we also tend to find pretty amazing connections with one another and form families of our own creations.

Are you able to email your ASL teachers over break?
And would you be interested in talking through ways to try to communicate with your cousin?