Crossing sexual boundaries

[Cookie101]

Hello I am very worried about myself and my past actions. I have tried talking to others about this but I feel like I have no where to go with this information. So about 2 weeks ago me and my bf were having “sexy time” and I was on top of him moving my hips back and forth. He then said something along the lines of “don’t do that because I’m going to get blue balls” I then stoped but then I started to keep doing it but just going way slower. He didn’t say anything while I was doing this. I then remember thinking “I don’t care” and moving my hips in the same motion he said would give him blue balls. I keep replaying the moment back in my head as to what I didn’t care about and why I did that. I think in the moment I didn’t think it was a big deal but it is still bugging me. He said that the situation didn’t bug him and I do remember that when he told me to get off I did right away but I still have a lot of anxiety and depression because of this incident.

[Heather]

Hi there, Cookie, and welcome to the boards.

What I am hearing you describing is that you kept doing something sexual after your boyfriend asked you to stop, so you did that without his consent. I actually do think that's a big deal. Consent really matters. I'm not glad that you are having mental health issues, but I do think it's good that you don't feel right about this, because it's not something anyone should feel right about, you know? I'm also glad that you had the courage to ask about it.

Often, people don't say stop again when they already have if someone has already ignored them because they don't feel like they can or because they figure it doesn't matter if they do, since they already said it, yet, the other person still didn't stop.

I'd suggest asking to have a conversation with your partner about this and taking responsibility: letting them know that you know you didn't stop when they asked you to and that you know you should have, and apologizing, and then making a commitment to doing better from here on out if they're still okay being your sexual partner. If he wants to talk more about any of this, I think you should do that. Does that sound like something you feel able to do?

What I can't tell you is why consent didn't matter to you in that moment: that is really going to be insight only you can have. But some questions you might ask yourself that might help you to answer that could be things like:
• Is consent important to you? Is your boyfriend good about getting and respecting consent when it comes to you? Is consent something you two have talked about and made important in your relationship?
• Do you have double standards about consent, like thinking men need to get it from women and respect it with women, but the opposite isn't true? Or maybe do you think that consent only matters with some kinds of sex and not others, or with some body parts but not others?
• Do you care about this person?
• Does being turned on make it feel harder for you to keep important things in mind, like consent? Do you need to learn how to be turned on and think clearly at the same time?
• Do you actually feel ready to be someone's sexual partner, like understanding that if and when you want to do something a partner doesn't, you won't get to do that thing and shouldn't? Or does that feel like something that you just aren't understanding why you need to care about?

I do want to note that he whole business of presenting blue balls the way he did is problematic. Anyone, including people without balls at all, can get vasocongestion when they are aroused and usually do, and when that happens and orgasm doesn't relieve it, or doesn't happen to relieve, it, it tends to resolve on its own in 15 minutes or so: it is also sometimes a little uncomfortable but it isn't painful. For more on that, if either of you are curious: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/sexual- ... blue-balls

However, your boyfriend didn't need a reason to ask you to stop, nor for that reason to be validated, that they asked you to is what matters. I'm also happy to give one or both of you some things to read about consent and how to have conversations about sex and things like consent if you'd like.

[Cookie101]

Am I a bad person for this happening? I had no intent of hurting him. I also did talk to him and he said that he doesn't even remember the situation. I honestly don’t care that he doesn’t remember it and isn’t bothered because I still feel horrible and idk how I’m ever going to forgive myself. I’m also scared something like this will happen again.

[Heather]

I do not think you're a bad person, and I believe you that you didn't intend to do anyone harm.

So many people aren't taught well about consent, and for a lot of them, that even includes outrightly wrong things like, for example, being told you need to hug someone as a child even when you don't want to. I think it's fair to say that for many people, learning how to do well and do right when it comes to consent is something folks learn as they go, and often by making mistakes or having someone else make mistakes with them.

The good news is that it's also pretty easy to do right once you commit to it, and commit to doing all the things needed in order to do it well, like having conversations about consent with people before you're sexual with them, checking in with one another often, committing yourself to only ever doing or being part of what someone else has actually asked for or said, if not in words, in some other very clear way, they are okay with. Thinking about the why of your choice, maybe through some of the questions I suggested earlier, will also likely help. And while I know it doesn't feel good to feel how you are, I do think that feeling bad when a person did engage in a consent infraction is also something that can help prevent more in the future.

That said, I don't think you or anyone else would be served by you not giving yourself some grace here and forgiving yourself. You're only a human being, and we all make mistakes, especially as we're learning things. It sounds like you've already started taking the steps a person can when they have made one: you took responsibility and apologized. You made space for the person you did wrong to hold you to account and ask you for anything they needed around it. Now you just need to do what you can to make different choices moving forward.

Is there any help you would like with that? I'd be happy to connect you to things to read about how to do consenting right -- like this: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/sex-sex ... ng-consent -- or to talk some more about how to do consenting in the moment, when you're all turned on and it can be trickier, or how to talk more with partners about it, just say the word. <3

[Cookie101]

I’m having a hard time moving past this and giving myself forgiveness. I know I am human and we all make mistakes but I keep comparing myself to criminals and bad people and I’m having a hard time seeing the difference between them and me.

[HannahP]

Hi Cookie. Realizing we've made a mistake and we want to act differently in the future can be so tough! I agree with Heather that you're not a bad person and I don't see any similarity between you and criminals. Can we talk more about what about this situation is making you feel so bad about yourself? Maybe if we figure out what part of it is sticking with you so much, we can figure out a way for you to move past it.

[Cookie101]

I am feeling very guilty and horrible about the part where I thought to myself “I don’t care” after he said not to do that movement. I’m not sure if in the moment I didn’t see it as a big deal or maybe I thought it would be fine to just do one more movement as it wouldn’t affect him, I’m not sure. I know that’s not how I should’ve thought but I guess I did. I also have ocd and in the past I have worried about other sexual situations and I have always had worries about crossing boundaries so I just hate myself that this happened in the first place as it shouldn’t of. I think having the “I don’t care” thought just makes me think that my intent was evil just like how a criminal would be. Idk maybe I wasn’t thinking fully either.

[mikky]

Hi Cookie,
I’m looking at your posts here and it seems like OCD is asking you to constantly reengage with a thought. I also have OCD, and I have found myself going back to one thought I had over and over again. If we judged our entire character by the intrusive or unwanted thoughts that enter our heads, it would be pretty hard to ever see ourselves as good or even neutral people. It seems clear to me that this thought was not something that aligns with your values, or even your actions past that initial moment.

As Heather said, you’ve taken accountability, and you have heard about some tools for moving forward– like rethinking consent. Feeling deep shame, guilt, or staying stuck with a singular thought doesn’t help ourselves or anyone else.

We all (yes, ALL) cause harm, make mistakes, or do things that don’t align with our values. We can respond to these moments by choosing to move forward in a way that does align with our values, seeks to repair harm, or helps us avoid making that mistake again. It doesn't make us evil.

Here are a few questions for you to reflect on:
What do you imagine would get you unstuck from this place? When you think about that, is there anything that could be done or said that would make you feel self-forgiveness, or is it simply impossible? What harm would come from moving on- and if you imagine that, is it grounded in reality, or in anxiety?

[Cookie101]

I’m having a hard time moving on from this. I just can’t stop comparing myself to a criminal. I also don’t know how to feel about other people SA people because that is horrible thing to do but what makes me different from them?

[KierC]

Hi Cookie101,

I’ve read through this thread, and I hope it’s ok I’m popping in here. As Heather said earlier in this thread, I do think it’s good that you don’t feel okay about this, but I am sorry to hear that it’s hard to process and that you’re having mental health issues. For what it’s worth, I don’t think this is something to move on from as in forget it happened. It’s something to work through and understand better, you know? With that in mind, did you take a look at the consent readings, and did you have any thoughts on them? Too, do you have an idea of what might be helpful for you in working through this?

[Cookie101]

I’m just filled with alot of guilt right now and I just don’t know how to feel like a normal human again after this or even if I deserve to feel that way again.

[Heather]

Cookie, can you try looking at the questions Mikky posed and answering them for us? I think they were excellent questions that I believe could help you with this if you work on answering them:

What do you imagine would get you unstuck from this place? When you think about that, is there anything that could be done or said that would make you feel self-forgiveness, or is it simply impossible? What harm would come from moving on- and if you imagine that, is it grounded in reality, or in anxiety?

[Cookie101]

I think something that would help me get unstuck from this place is knowing if other people similar to me have made a mistake like this or is my experience just uncommon for good people to do. I tired researching online and everytime someone tells a story similar to mine the amount of backlash and negative comments from people makes me feel way more guilty and horrible about myself, which I mean rightfully so.

Yes it would be nice to move on in a way that I can grow and change from this but I just don’t know how I will forgive myself and if I deserve to have forgiveness.

[Heather]

That's helpful, thanks for that.

I've heard a lot of this in the almost 30 years that I have been working as a sex educator AND more times than not, unlike you, the people who voice having done this don't even know and sometimes outright deny that there's anything wrong with it, even. In my experience, when girls/women engage in consent violations of any kind -- including those a lot more impactful and outright than what happened with you -- with male partners, more times than not they insist that they couldn't have possibly because they believe consent only matters/is needed with women.

So, not only are you not alone at all in having made a mistake that was a consent violation, you're also uncommon in taking responsibility for it.

Here's an example, if you want it (and you'll find more like this with a site search, too), about someone who doesn't seem to get that their male partner can not want to do something (or anything) sexual with them, and is taking it very personally: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/sex-sex ... o-i-do-now Here's another similar to this: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/sex-sex ... e-his-mind Here's another where a guy clearly doesn't realize he has the right to say no: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/sex-sex ... -dont-okay

In terms of forgiving yourself, are you familiar with the concept of making amends? If so, have you thought about what yours might look like in this situation?

[Cookie101]

I think in terms of making amends would be to not let anything like this happen again.
It’s such a strange situation though because I have ALWAYS been very cautious and mindful of the other parties consent. I have always double and triple checked in with them and keep doing so throughout the process. I have always worried about and for some reason had a fear of SA someone so I just hate that this happened and I’m scared it will happen again.
I know I need to work on being more mindful in the moment but I’m just so scared this will happen again.

[Tara]

Hi, Cookie101:

Reading through this thread, it seems to me that this situation may be a learning and growth experience for you - and that is a good thing! Like Heather initially mentioned, I am so glad you had the courage to reach out about this and the fact that you knew it was something that did not feel right and you wanted to prevent it from happening again means that you recognized a mistake and have taken the steps to correct it and make amends.

You have learned that consent is always necessary and critically important in sexual experiences. Sometimes our learning experiences come through mistakes, feelings of guilt, and making changes in behavior. Now, can you consider this as a celebration of learning a skill that you can carry forward in your relationships? I feel confident that this situation resonated with you so deeply that you will be cognizant of this from now on.

It's always helpful to discuss our desires, boundaries, and consent prior to engaging in sexual activity. Maybe doing this moving forward will help ground you and your partner/future partners in the moment and be mindful prior to sexual activity. You don't need to berate yourself about this any longer. It is far more helpful to accept the learning and feel confident that you will do better next time.