figuring out masturbation

[catcreature77]

hey, i posted smth a while ago n i want to say i have partially recovered from the complete mess my sexuality was then. i still don't feel comfortable completely but baby steps ig. i am however getting more curious about sexual topics, n i want to try masturbating (which i've only tried occasionally n never to climax. which makes no sense since i'm 17f and i assume most people are comfortable with this shi much earlier in their development.

touching myself physically does nothing and also i'm not even sure how to do it? i don't know jack shit about my own body. like i know biologically what a vagina looks like, where the clit is and that sort of thing but that doesn't translate to knowing what to do. also on a semi-related note, i hear people saying 2/3 fingers is usually how much you penetrate w but i can barely fit one finger in the opening so no clue what that's about. do i just have an unnaturally small pussy, possibly. heard people saying you could use a shower head to masturbate, thought that would work, it did not. again i felt nothing and cried about it for some reason.

looking into possibly buying sex toys? are they worth it and can you even buy them at 17. i feel like a vibrator or something would be useful bc you don't have to manually touch yourself. anyway. this is massively tmi but then again this is kind of the tmi website lol.

if anyone has any advice that would be appreciated. thx for being literally amazing btw <3 this place is a godsend

[CaitlinEve]

Hey catcreature77, welcome back!

Baby steps is right; there's no timeline for discovering yourself and becoming comfortable with that. Take all the time you need! Sexual development is different for everybody, so don't feel like you're behind because you're not as comfortable as you think you should be. Similiar to sexual development, everybody's body is different too. There's no guide that will tell you exactly what YOU need for sexual stimulation. Some people don't like penetration at all, whereas some need more than 2/3 fingers. I want to link you to some articles you may find helpful about anatomy and masturbation!

With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body
The Clitoris, the Vagina and Orgasm: Feelings and Frameworks
Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation

As for sex toys, whether or not they'll be worth it is a question only you can answer! Again, everybody is different; some people can't masturbate without sex toys whereas others hate them. You CAN buy sex toys at 17 and can even DIY them if there's a snag around money/shipping/privacy for you with purchasing one.

[catcreature77]

thanks for the advice & resources, very much appreciated i have been looking at the guides on here & think i might consider DIYing some toys. though the issue w that is rn i live alone with my grandmother and i don't want her to know i'm doing it... i did breach the topic a little bit which was just as awkward as you'd expect. she didn't judge but now i do feel icky that she's aware at all. like i wouldn't want her to know that i own a dildo (i don't but looking into it) but *especially* wouldn't want her asking awkward questions about where my electric toothbrush has gone LOL

another thing i wanted to ask (sorry that i'm so ignorant, i have wayy too many questions) is how necessary fantasising is to reach climax, because i feel very weird about doing it. i do have a vivid imagination and daydream a *lot* (to the point where i thought i might be a maladaptive daydreamer, but i'm probably not) but sexual fantasies weird me out. i think cause i have zero experience so what am i supposed to think about? i've considered getting into erotic literature (cause i love reading), specifically i came across a sapphic erotica podcast that seems interesting. does that kind of thing help people to get off? (again sorry for asking, this is probably mega obvious to all of you)

thanks for everything again <3

[HannahP]

Hi Catcreature! Don't worry about asking, this is exactly what we're here for (and a lot of people come here with very similar questions).

I'm glad that your grandmother didn't judge, even if the conversation was awkward! I totally understand feeling self conscious about her noticing something, but I think it's likely that you could find ways to keep things private. We can talk more about that if you'd like!

As for fantasizing, yes, it is very common for people to fantasize in order to orgasm. One very important part of the orgasm process is arousal and a lot of people find that fantasizing or watching/reading/listening to something is a great way to get aroused. It's not strictly necessary, though — some people prefer to do the opposite and just focus on how their body feels, almost like meditating. But I find that often when people say that they're struggling with finding masturbation enjoyable, the missing piece is arousal and the thing that helps the most is some kind of fantasizing.

We have a great article called Take a Self-Love Road Trip: Let Curiosity Guide Your Masturbation. I think that the ideas in this piece could be helpful for you and you could also apply them to figuring out what kind of things you might like to read or listen to. Basically, I think you're on the right track already — coming across something that seems like it could be interesting, like the podcast, and trying it out sounds perfect.

[Chocolate Moose]

If it helps, remember that this is perfectly normal. Nearly everyone, regardless of age, does it but doesn't talk about it openly. You can assume your friends and people you know, including adults, do. It's pretty much universal. While it may be difficult to talk to your grandmother about it she knows that it's normal and probably suspected you were anyway. You should be able to approach her if you need information. There's no reason to feel icky or embarrassed. Talking to her more about it might help you feel more comfortable in the end. She was a teenager once and no doubt remembers how awkward asking questions is.

[catcreature77]

thx for all of this. another thing I want to say that feels genuinely fucking stupid but I'll say it anyway... I think part of this hesitance comes from genuinely feeling afraid to have sexual fantasies. Or not afraid, but like it's unethical to think about people I have crushes on because that's disrespectful to them, and they didn't consent to it, and besides who am I to imagine they're interested in me anyway? LOL I wish I was making this up, it sounds like the most terminally online Tumblr puriteen bullshit ever but it's how I feel.

Might just be my creative writing brain getting upset over plotholes... If I'm making up a scenario in my head it has to make sense dammit!

[Latha]

Hi there, Catcreature!

I understand why this might feel stupid to you, but I want to say that it doesn’t seem so at all to me! We do often try to reassure people that they don’t have to feel guilty about their fantasies, but the fact that you feel the way you do is not wrong in and of itself.

I like to think that ethics are largely for how we treat actual people, not for the thoughts we have inside of our heads. No one needs to feel bad about fantasies that involve people they know, because these thoughts can’t actually hurt them on their own. It isn’t wrong to entertain the possibility that someone you like might return your interest, or imagine what is might be like to be with them. That said, if it feels awkward, you don’t have to force the issue. You can choose to focus your fantasies away from people you know if that feels more comfortable. Does this make sense?

[catcreature77]

it makes perfect sense, but at the same time, knowing something is acceptable + actually feeling comfortable with it are different things.

I feel like I don't know anything about sex so I just don't know where to start. most erotica scares me... I mean straight up freaks me out the way extreme horror does for some people. and just anything to do with sexuality upsets me so I might as well avoid it.

also. I feel like a bad person for having fantasies, full stop. no matter who's involved. if it's someone I know that's disrespecting them and they'd hate me if I found out. if it's a celebrity that's just pathetic and dumb as fuck. and if it's a fictional character that's even more pathetic. I feel embarrassed to have desires and I feel embarrassed to not act on them.

the whole idea of sexual fantasies are that they're pointless and self-serving and self-indulgent and I shouldn't be having thoughts like that. I wish I was asexual so badly

[Becky]

Hi catcreature77! My name is Becky and I'm a volunteer here at Scarleteen. I hope it's ok that I'm jumping in here while our other volunteers are offline.

You are definitely NOT a bad person for having sexual fantasies. I promise you, everyone does! (Even asexual people!) I don't think it's "disrespectful" to have fantasies about people you know or have crushes on. The only scenario I could imagine it becoming disrespectful is if you were explicitly telling them about it and they've asked you not to (which you're not, so it's all good!) Because if you don't tell them, how would they find out? Unless you are acting disrespectful to them in real life, I don't think anything about your behavior is inappropriate. Our imaginations and fantasies are our safe space to explore our desires. And they are just for us! No one can read your mind or see your thoughts. And because they are just thoughts, they can't hurt anyone! Also, just because you fantasize about something doesn't make it real. You may fantasize about your friend who is attractive, but you might not want to actually do anything with them "in real life". Does that make sense?

I'd like to hear a bit more of your thoughts about sexual fantasies. Why do you feel that sexual fantasies are pointless and self-serving and you *shouldn't* be having fantasies? And could you tell me more about what you mean when you say erotica scares you and that things related to sexuality upset you?

[catcreature77]

No problem, it doesn't really matter who replies - I kind of need all the advice I can get. Sorry if I'm posting too much, especially so late at night, I don't want to bother any of you.

I know I'm not a bad person, but there's so much shame I have about my sexuality. And fear as well. When I say erotica scares me, I mean graphic sexual descriptions (or even not that graphic) just make me very anxious, I've never read anything and thought 'that sounds hot, I want that to happen to me'. The idea of having sex freaks me out and I'm honestly dreading my 'first time' (partly because society makes it into such a big event, I know it really isn't but still the expectations are there.)

As for the specific fantasies I have... I don't actually know what they are. There's people I'm attracted to but again, I feel weird fantasising about them. I do have an interest in kink and BDSM, which started as just an autistic hyperfixation on alternative subcultures & queer subcultures and such. But it might also be that I'm actually kinky myself? Which isn't exactly something I can explore at 17, since I have no idea what I'd want in a scene or relationship and all kink groups I could figure it out with are 18+. I don't fantasise about BDSM at all (mainly because, in a stupid ass way, I feel extra bad about it when kinks are involved - since I have no way of knowing if my crush would be into that with anyone, let alone with me). If someone who knows a little bit about kink could help me out with my feelings there that would be great.

This is getting long so I'll just put one more point. I've heard a lot of girls specifically struggle with this, because female sexuality is so demonised by society - which can explain a lot of supposedly common fantasies amongst straight women, particularly surrounding submission and consensual non-consent. Which I am absolutely NOT into (and the fact that a lot of erotica caters to this is why it scares me so much - the idea of being the submissive partner kind of sends my brain into fight-or-flight, which is stupid as hell) but I do deal with the core idea of 'I want sex, but I don't want to want sex'. Except I do want to want to have sex. (The word 'want' sounds weird now LOL). Any tips on getting past this?

Sorry for the wall of text, and thanks v much x

[amber]

Hi catcreature77,

It seems to me like you have a good understanding of what you don't like or want, at least at the moment. Would you say that is accurate? If so, it is more than alright to hold onto those boundaries even within your own personal exploration. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have sex or engage with certain types of erotica.

Have you ever thought about reading romance novels with some erotic elements but that sex is not the main focus? There are tons of romance novels with different themes/topics so you could look at specific books that explore things you're interested, like kink!

I also want to point out that exploration can be a fun thing! How would you feel about reframing the unknowns, that are causing you worry, as paths you get to explore?

[HannahP]

Hey CatCreature, I just wanted to pop in and suggest this article for you: Undoing Sexual Shame I can definitely see the shame threads woven through your posts. It sounds like you've got a pretty good understanding of what's behind your feelings of shame and you're starting to experience it as something that part of you can feel while another part of you doesn't (that "I want to but I don't want to" thing). I think that's really good progress! In my opinion, you're well on your way through the first two steps for working through shame mentioned in that article. The next big step for you might be "re-conditioning your thoughts." Doing some exploration like Amber mentions above could be a good part of that process, as well as talking about/journaling about your sexual values and interests. A key part of undoing sexual shame is having positive sexual experiences (including low key or private ones, like fantasizing or masturbation) and encouraging yourself that having those experiences is good and healthy for you. That's definitely something we can help with here, by talking through why your fantasies are safe and healthy.