What label could I ascribe to my preferences?

[RebeccaWYC]

First and foremost, thank you (or y'all) for readin

Two things for context: 1) I'm panromantic. 2) I know labels are just words, and my true identidy is all that matters, but I would just like to know if there is a concise way to describe my feelings.

So, I am AFAB, and all of my romantic partners have been AFAB (genderqueer themselves, though). I had sex with only one of these partners before this confusion, and it was enjoyable in the moment, but in hindsight, I don't know if I am sexually attracted to people AFAB.

I can only feel sexual attraction to these partners when thinking of us in specific scenarios. For example, when thinking about it, I am averse to directly touching them or letting them touch me sexually, but if phallic toys were involved, I think I could actually have sex with them.

Does this mean I'm sexually attracted to people AMAB or do I just have a preference? Whatever it may be, it's not a problem, but it would help to know the briefest way to tell a future partner all... that.

Again, thanks so much!

[mikky]

Hi, and welcome to the boards!

I hear that for you, a label would be helpful for communication with a partner. Unfortunately- and so fortunately- ANY label is going to take more communication than just a few words.

For example, one word I sometimes use to describe myself is bisexual. But that doesn’t inform a partner what types of sex I am interested in, what personalities I mesh best with, what my boundaries are, plus a million other things that I might need to communicate to a potential romantic or sexual partner. Not to mention how differently folks interpret that label!

Just to give another example, sometimes I use the word “Vegan” to describe my diet. While it is helpful, it doesn’t tell people whether or not I like tomatoes, which brand of nondairy cheese I think tastes the least like plastic, or whether or not I agree that honey is vegan, and if I occasionally, under certain circumstances, eat eggs.

I love this article, Living without Labels, that one of our directors, Jacob, wrote. What do you think about these ideas?

Labels aside, it also sounds like you have some curiosities about what you’re interested in, period. You’ve used the terms AFAB and AMAB in your post, and I want to gently remind you that the genitals and other secondary sex characteristics we are born with or develop during puberty might not be the ones we keep, let alone what we use during sex.

With all this in mind, what would be most important for you to communicate with a potential partner?

[Heather]

I want to add a little something to consider, too:

Ultimately, the single words or short phrases (some folks call them labels, but that's not my jam) we use to describe our identities, sexual or otherwise, are really only meant to be shorthand. They aren't meant to provide deep, substantive communication and layers, they're for when we only need or have time for shorthand, like on a dating app, with an acquaintance we have just met, or at work.

But the things we often want, for example, a sexual or romantic partner (or potential one) to know, or the level at which we want someone to know those things, usually is going to ask for a lot more than shorthand, and we'll tend to want more than shorthand, too. This doesn't sound like something where you'd want to be brief, unless what you want to briefly convey is "I don't feel attracted to you," which usually sums it up best all by itself, since, after all, it doesn't matter why we're not attracted to someone, the fact that we aren't is enough and usually the best way to express that, especially if we don't want to get into a whole thing about it, eg, "But why aren't you attracted to men," or "Well, I'm different than other men, let me tell you all about it..."

What you said here?

I can only feel sexual attraction to these partners when thinking of us in specific scenarios. For example, when thinking about it, I am averse to directly touching them or letting them touch me sexually, but if phallic toys were involved, I think I could actually have sex with them.

I feel like that is you saying exactly what you want to to describe this, and this either could be a good shorthand all by itself -- after all, it's brief -- and an opening to a larger conversation if you wanted, perhaps a situation in which you were attracted to someone AMAB (assuming you even knew that about them so early on), but wanted to talk about the limits and boundaries you have per the kinds of sex you'd actually want to have with them and the kinds you wouldn't. <3