How to Heal From a Current Partner’s Emotional Abuse

[MountainMix]

Hello! So currently my partner and I are working through a rough period in our relationship. My partner who shows signs of Borderline Personality Disorder (and/or has BPD tendencies) recently emotionally abused me for some time. After reflecting, reaching out for support, and communicating with my partner she finally came to terms with her behavior and agrees with me that she most likely does have BPD due to childhood SA and wants to be better. After being baker acted last week, she came out essentially a different person. She finally got access to medication (which she couldn’t get access to before because she has no insurance) and is starting therapy tomorrow through a free program. We’ll also be starting couples therapy next week and I have my own therapist that has helped support me through this rough period too. I’m really proud of her progress and am super hopeful she’ll recover. I’ve also put boundaries in place to prevent future harm if she does lash out or split due to emotional dysregulation to protect myself. Although I’m really happy with the outlook and how things are changing, I do still feel like a part of me needs to heal from the emotional damage I withstood while my gf was still figuring her issues out and taking it out on me. I was wondering if you have any advice on how to heal from emotional abuse in a relationship and how to reconnect with my partner in an authentic healthy way after a period of emotional abuse.

[Heather]

Hi again, MountainMix.

Can I ask if this is the same partner from your previous posts? I ask because if it is, I want to point out that there has very much seemed to be a pattern of abuse here, including things like trying to isolate you from your friends, what has sounded like some gaslighting around the inequities in your relationship, and her refusal to take any real responsibility for her own actions or lack of participation/effort in the relationship. In other words, since you've been posting here in fall of 2024, the relationship has sounded like it has been in a bad place the whole time?

I'm glad to hear that she's agreed to couples therapy, but I also am personally concerned about what sounds like you digging in more deeply, investing more deeply, into a relationship where there has been a longstanding pattern of, if/when not abuse, one-sidedness and emotional chaos. I'm just worried about you continuing to be harmed and about you investing more and more in a relationship that just doesn't sound like it's likely to return on that emotional investment.

Typically, what therapists and other related professionals who work with intimate relationships will suggest with what you're asking and with this kind of abusive or dysfunctional relationship pattern is that to heal, you need to get out of, or at least initially away from, this relationship, because you can't change your patterns or get real space to heal if you're still inside the thing or with the person who has done and is still doing you harm. They would also suggest that for her to change, and no longer be abusive, she needs to separate herself from any relationships in which she has engaged in abuse. That would also be my best advice for you, even though I know it's probably not the advice you want. <3

It sounds, though, like you still want to try and stay in this relationship and see if there is a way it can become a healthy one. Can I ask what your own therapist's take has been and is on that, and on this question of what you can do to try and make this into something healthy? If it's not something you want to share, I understand, but whether you share it or not, I suspect their advice is probably pretty invaluable, especially if they have been your therapist for a while.

[MountainMix]

Yes, it’s the same partner. And yes, it def was bad the whole time, essentially since she’s been here. While we were long distance, it was easier I think because there weren’t as many triggering things to address. But now that we’re in close proximity, a lot of her issues and my issues have sprouted as we deal with every day life together. She did improve with a lot of the issues I did mention before though. For example, I no longer feel like I’m the only one contributing to the relationship. Now she cooks for me, cleans, and does other basic things since she’s more settled. Additionally, she actually improved her habits and created a schedule for herself where she wakes up at a certain time, eats at a certain time, and gets ready at a certain so she’s able to get to places on time. She also doesn’t have a problem with any of my current friends and even encourages me to be with them. And if she doesn’t like someone, she still holds space for the friendship. She definitely showed a lot of growth and improvement over this past year. However, her mental health declined rapidly a couple months ago because her parents essentially disowned her after she told them she was trans. It triggered her abandonment wound which essentially looked like an intense BPD episode. It was very serious and she almost took her life (hence why she ended up in the mental health facility). She’s getting the support she needs now and since she’s improved her behaviors before, I have faith she can do it again. My therapist said that I essentially need to have strong boundaries because people with BPD and/or BPD tendencies can be very intense. That I should take it slow and have carved out space for myself and my dedicated healing. He also said that I was also engaging in codependent behaviors and that I was assuming a “caretaker” role, which I immediately addressed as it’s been a pattern in previous relationships I’ve had. We’re going to delve more into that in our next session.

[Latha]

Hi there, MountainMix! I’m glad to hear that your girlfriend has gotten the help that she needs and that she been feeling better!

I like your therapist’s advice. If there is to be any chance of healing into a better relationship for both of you, you’ll definitely need to take it slow and have strong boundaries. If you are looking to stay in this relationship, it may be a good time to revisit the question of what you need/want, and what it means to have a healthy relationship in the first place. Would you look over these articles, and keep them in mind as you proceed?

• Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship

• Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models

I do want to check in on where you are with all this. How do you feel about the state of your relationship right now? You can appreciate the changes your girlfriend has made and still have other needs because of how things have been in the past.

[Heather]

I just want to add that your therapist sounds like they are serving you very well, and I'm so glad for that. I'm also glad to hear that all of those things have gotten so much better. I'm extra glad she is getting her own therapist. This all sounds like really, really good news.

The links Latha gave seem particularly on point for what you're asking about. Maybe you can also talk a little here about what *you* think you you need to heal, just ideas you access from your gut feelings? Can you say more about what that space for yourself your therapist suggested might be able to look like?