Is this assault?..

[Spicytrex]

My best friend and i started dating 3 years ago and broke up last month. We tend to like dom and sub dynamics. Throughout the relationship i realized it was painful after sex because he was going to far and it took me a while to know that i could say something about this. So i did around 6 months in. And he was understanding. After a while pasted, he would forget this. And then i would say something and he would go less far. But the more time passed he did it more often. And then he forgets five minutes after i said it was too much. To the point where i put a hand in the way so he cant go too far. And a few times he said “you can take it” or “be a good girl” which in retrospect im very unsure how i feel about. Sometimes i just leave my hand there or do nothing or i say i need a break and we take a break and dont continue. A few days ago he was going too far and i said it was too much and a few minutes later he started going to far again so i put my hand there and he said i could “take it” and i said “no” and then we immediately stopped and he apologized.

[maille]

Hi, Spicytrex and welcome to the boards. I am so glad you found your way here!

I am glad you are finding your voice during sex. You deserve to use it and for it to be respected. I am sorry that this does not sound like the case.

We see lots of people here on the boards asking us to confirm if something is assault or not. It can feel like an event is too minor or that there may be shame involved. If you labeled this assault, I would not question you. The facts are that he has continued when you have said it is too much, to the extent that you had to physically put your hand in place to stop him. Whatever you want to call it, your communicated boundaries were crossed and your partner was pushy, which is NOT okay under any circumstances.

I am concerned that this partner is not respecting your wishes. You wrote that you have given boundaries, they have been momentarily respected, and then they were later ignored. I think you deserve to have a partner that respects you and your boundaries enough to remember them and do the bare minimum of abiding by them. I am sorry to hear that this has not been your experience.

I also want to reaffirm to you that setting boundaries once, saying no once, is enough and you should have been respected. In healthy sexual relationships, consent is asked for continuously and not just assumed at anytime. This partner does not seem to be following this model of healthy sexual relationships.

After reading this, how do you feel? Are you planning on continuing to have sex with this partner?