Handling a Huge Family Secret

[spottedowl]

I’ll start with my question: how do I carve out space for myself as an adult who makes her own choices in my family, knowing that there’s things I’ve gone through that my parents will never try to understand?

Discussing mental health issues.
Quick background: When I was in my early twenties, I got diagnosed with a heart condition that the doctors thought was terminal. After multiple months in the hospital, and making arrangements for my funeral/mentally accepting the fact that I might die/ immensely enjoying the company of and feeling supported by 2 childhood friends who carried me through, I responded to treatment and made a full recovery. The issue was my parents and grandma. They were shocked by my diagnosis and refused to talk to anyone about it: not therapists, not extended family, my dad didn’t even tell his brother who lives just a few hours from us.

Getting home after so much time in the hospital was very strange for me. I needed time to adapt to the fact that I wasn’t dying anymore and I had to share my story, both things my parents absolutely refused me the space and time to do. My dad fell into depression over my illness and he threatened self harm, which was extremely painful for me because I thought I was losing my dad. My grandma fell into questionable religious beliefs where she blamed me for the illness and the deaths shortly after my release from the hospital of both childhood friends through a car accident. My mom sympathized with me, but at the same time didn’t understand why I was grieving so much over two friends that before my illness, I hadn’t seen in a decade.

The therapist I had at the time urged me to leave home at least for a while until everyone could get their issues sorted out, but I had trouble finding places that would rent to me, an unemployed college student without a degree. I wasn’t physically fit enough yet to work either, so friends of my father tried to help by offering places to stay, but had medical and family issues to work through themselves. Then and now, all I want my parents to do is acknowledge how much I was hurting emotionally during that time, and support me and each other through it. Also to acknowledge my asexuality and aromanticism which they didn’t think was real. But since my dad could not handle the emotional pain, my family decided not to talk about the illness or the grief over my friends deaths.

Fast forward 2 years later and I’m having pretty severe depression/anxiety issues due to all of these events. Fast forward two more years to today, and I have an awesome therapist I shared my full story with, and am doing much better emotionally and mentally. However, my parents still treat me like the 20 year old who had the illness, and they just want to treat me like a child and protect me from everything.

I’m trying to find a job to financially support myself so I can stop living at home, but it’s been hard finding positions. Plus since my mental health issues, my parents think they are the perfect parents who know everything on how to get me out of a slump, which is not true considering they refuse to talk about the emotions surrounding the illness which is the underlying cause of the anxiety and depression.

How do I be an adult about this and get my space from my parents without cutting my family off completely (all of my relatives besides mom, dad and grandma are supportive and truly loving and I want to keep them in my life)?

[HannahP]

Hi Spottedowl! What an awful lot to be dealing with. You've been through so much and I'm so sorry that your family has not been there for you in the way you need.

First, I'd like to ask if this issue is something that you've been talking to your current therapist about? Navigating family relationships like this is an ongoing process for a lot of people and if you see your therapist regularly, that could be a big help.

But we can also talk about this topic here, of course! There are a few things I'd like to touch on and untangle a bit.

I see a couple issues that you describe with your parents and grandmother that I think are distinct from each other. You wish that they would acknowledge how difficult your recent experiences have been for you and that they could be supportive through your physical and mental health challenges. You wish that your family could talk explicitly about the difficult experiences that you all went through together. You also wish that your parents could treat you like an adult and give you space. Is that all true?

I think that it's important to separate out these issues because while I absolutely believe that all of them are reasonable things to want, some are likely to be more achievable than others. Although I wish for you that your family could give you the support and acknowledgment that you need, it is unfortunately outside of your control whether or not they ever will. Outside of asking directly for the support and acknowledgement we need (and it doesn't seem like your family has been responsive to this in the past, right?), there's not much we can do if the person in question doesn't want to give it.

So I would encourage you to focus on a few things that are in your control: setting boundaries with your family and strengthening your other relationships. You mention that you have other relatives that are loving and supportive — that's wonderful! Could you make an effort to spend more time with them and develop your relationship with them more one on one? I know that a big part of my twenties has been about developing independent relationships with my family members who I get along with best, rather than relying on family gatherings to see them. If you can strengthen those relationships, it could put less pressure on your immediate family ones, because you won't need to rely on your parents and grandma in order to keep your other family members in your life.

As for setting boundaries and getting space from your parents and grandma, do you have any specific ideas about what that would look like for you? How about we talk about what kind of space you need and then we can come up with strategies to enforce those boundaries while you work on moving out.

[spottedowl]

To answer your first question:my therapist and I talk about family issues almost every session we have and he has been great about helping me figure out what I want in the present day and with setting boundaries. I’m glad I can use this space as a place to get more support in addition to my therapist. He also knows all the details of my past, which it’s been great to be open about after a long time.

I think your analysis of the three distinct problems I’m having is good and spot on.

My uncle and aunt have been great for me to share about the anxiety and depression and I was even able to support my aunt through her grief at losing some family members recently and it felt great to give back. I routinely visit them in the city and we have a group chat to catch up every week.

At present I have two things I want to set boundaries on. First, I want to take advantage of the LGBT resources given to me here, and connect with other LGBT people in person regularly. The associated boundary would be to stop my parents and grandma talking about dating, marrying and settling down, which frankly I don’t ever want to do, I have zero interest in that.
The other thing is to find a job that pays well enough for me to pay the rent on my apartment myself, which would mean I no longer would have to live under my parents rules since currently they take care of my finances. The associated boundary would be to not have my parents constantly talk about me getting a job “so I know what stress is”.

I honestly don’t think that talking about my past with my parents is ever going to happen. A few years ago as my anxiety started getting worse I mentioned the name of one of my childhood friends to my dad. He immediately denied they existed, insisted nothing happened between me and my friend, and said that this was my warning, if I mentioned him (the friend) again there would be consequences. I’m not sure exactly what he meant, but with all that lying I’m 90 percent sure I’d be kicked out of the house and he’d be thrown into another panic attack/depressive episode, similar to his condition in the past.

I have tried asking for support, and I get it in a very limited way. They gave me breathing exercises, pay for my psych meds, piano lessons for music therapy, advice on making new friends for social anxiety etc. But since they refuse to talk about the past, it only helps so much. Like for example, since telling my therapist about my grief over my friends, I’ve been feeling a very wide range of emotions (mostly sad) and my parents responded to me by saying I should be more positive.

They talk a lot about trust and communication but my dad and grandma never really trust each other and communicate. My uncle too, but to a much lesser extent and he was wise enough to address the issue in therapy so he’s an even better communicator now. I’m starting to think all of this is just so that my parents can keep tabs on my mental state and keep me physically and mentally “safe”, which in their minds means still treating me like a kid.

[KierC]

Hey spottedowl,

I am so glad that Hannah’s framing and advice was helpful. I also like how she suggested viewing these issues as separate. Sometimes that can really help us identify where any actionable steps are to be taken, and it sounds like you’ve found a couple steps you can take.

So, in your case, it sounds like you’ve identified a couple areas where you can set boundaries without completely cutting off contact: the boundary that you do not want to be spoken to about dating or marriage by your family, and the boundary of making disparaging comments to you about work, or diminishing your experience and your past by suggesting you couldn’t know what stress is. I think those two boundaries are really reasonable to start with. How do you feel about approaching a conversation with them about boundaries surrounding how they talk to you?

It also sounds like, related to the boundaries, you’re setting some goals for yourself! Connecting more with the LGBTQ+ resources near you (I remember our previous conversation about this!), and finding a job that can help you gain more independence sound like really generative and growth-minded goals (also, if you’d ever like job-brainstorming-help, I am here for that!). They both sound like goals that will help give you more independence.

I am glad to hear that you’re in communication with your therapist about your family. I hear you feeling diminished by their comments, and I can appreciate that it’s particularly painful when they act like the past didn’t happen. Every person has a different capacity for support, but it sounds like while your family has supported you in some concrete ways, the way that they speak to you and the way that they won’t talk about your past, is leaving you feeling unsupported in some really important ways. Is that right?

My hope is that working towards these goals, which would give you more of a robust community surrounding you, might also give you more space to make meaning of your past apart from family. How does hearing that make you feel?

[spottedowl]

The last part about getting some space from my family and figuring out my past sounds really great and empowering for me. I was just beginning the process of talking about everything with my childhood friends many years ago, but then they died and I haven’t really opened up to anyone outside my current therapist since then.

I can start a conversation about boundaries. I already talked with them a few weeks ago about the job comments and they said they would try to be more supportive in the future, which I think is a good sign. I still have to bring up the comments about dating and marriage and about staying in my apartment in the city while I look for a job, instead of at their house. This would save me from the constant monitoring and scrutiny I’m under when I stay at their place, plus they already paid rent on the apartment so I don’t need to worry about that for a couple months.

I think your interpretation of my parents capacity to support is correct. I think making sense of my past with a supportive community around me will also cut down on some of my less helpful behaviors, like using casual acquaintances and friends I haven’t talked to in years as therapists, and trying to concoct fantasy relationships with classmates in college who are simply friends in order to prove that I have romantic feelings (because I was having trouble accepting my aromantism at the time).
The good news is, none of those behaviors have come up in the past two years, and I’m looking forward to accomplishing my goals and getting to a place where I feel content and supported.

Yes, I would like job brainstorming help. I’ve worked as a tutor and a nurse’s aide, and I have a degree in biology, but I’m open to any jobs that don’t require intense physical labor like construction.

[KierC]

I did have an idea pop into my head, continuing with the LGBTQ+ resources and finding community: have you ever been to a grief support group, or would you be interested in possibly joining one? There’s several in Chicago, and a few that run through LGBTQ+ centers like Center on Halsted. I can give you the contact number of their support group intake person if that sounds like something you’d want to look into.

For job-brainstorming: It sounds like you are interested in something that doesn’t require physical labor, and that you can use some or more of your degree in Biology. Have you considered looking into research assistant positions? I also have a few friends who have a Biology degree who work in various hospital support roles, like patient education or patient liaisons, and they seem to really enjoy it.

I wanted to ask, too, is there a type of work that you really, really enjoy? For example, do you prefer talking to people at work, doing computer-stuff, problem-solving, researching? That might help narrow down areas of interest as well.

[spottedowl]

I have tried individual therapy, but never a grief support group. At the time, it seemed like everything was moving too fast, and all the family issues made it hard to have a moment to sit and process all my grief. But now, I think it would really help to be more open about all my grief, including the lack of family support. I would like that contact info, thank you.

As for job brainstorming, this last week I’ve been able to use extended family and family friends to help get my resume noticed, so I have contacts in the biotech and biostatistics fields, which is the type of computer work and data analysis I want to do!

I’ve talked with my therapist about communication with my parents, and he suggested to work through my grief and not bring up any big issues with my parents just yet. But do you have any tips on maintaining civil contact with parents who invalidate a whole part of your life, while being genuinely helpful in other areas? I think something similar was posed in the recent long advice column with the homophobic parent and LGBTQ teen, so I’m going to go reread that, but I feel like I can’t trust my parents with my emotional life anymore.

Last week I tried to let them in on some of my bittersweet feelings about graduation (end of a life stage, start of another), and they told me to take a business communication online class, and stop being anxious about finding a job. I think a lot of their thinking is focused on “fixing the problem” rather than feeling emotions and embracing the messiness of life.
My dad was helping me contact alumni for my job search, and watching how methodical and logical he was made me want to scream because if he had been that logical and supportive through my illness we would’ve had a completely different relationship, where I could look him in the eye and speak assertively about my needs without my therapist having to coach me through it.(But I was assertive that day, so yay!)

[spottedowl]

Oh almost forgot! A temple is my area is hosting a young person’s religious retreat that I might be going to. It’s very similar to a Bible study type group. When my grandma used her religious beliefs to justify shaming me for getting sick, I was lucky enough to have supportive religious leaders who told me that her beliefs were wrong, and introduced me to a more tolerant, inclusive version of Hinduism. I’d like to go and ask specifically for grief support in terms of spiritual things to read and customs to help celebrate the lives of my departed friends. But I’m concerned that the leaders here might become too involved and try to talk to my parents and “fix” the past issues, and that will make the relationship with my parents that much harder. Plus, there is the possibility (though very slim) that some friends of my grandma might be attending and will spill all my secrets to my grandma, which if it happens will really cause an argument. I was going to go to a chess tournament the same week as the retreat and now I don’t know which one to go to.

[Latha]

Hi there, Spottedowl - I’m sorry we’ve taken some time to get to you!

Okay, here are some tips for maintaining civil contact with parents who invalidate a whole part of your life:

• Stay clear eyed about what your parents realistically can and cannot do for you.

• Make a list of subjects that lead to invalidation. Limit the information you give to your parents about these subjects, and try to avoid situations that will lead to them being brought up.

• If the subject does come up and the conversation isn’t going well, look for a way to change their focus: you might change the subject, or find something else to do.

• Make a list of people you can trust with your emotional life. Whenever you notice yourself needing support in this regard, plan to talk to them.

I’m so sorry you have to deal with this, but if it helps to hear, it sounds like you’ve been making great progress.

I do have some questions about this religious retreat:

• Do you think these religious leaders will go to your parents if you just mention grief about your friends, and don’t mention feeling invalidated by your parents? If they don’t know that you have difficulties with your parents, maybe they won’t try to mediate.

• Do you think it would help to frame not wanting your parents and grandmother to know about your questions as not wanting them to worry? Would these leaders be sympathetic to this reasoning?

• Also, if you go to this retreat, will you be able to speak to them in private, when they are not around your grandmother’s friends?

P.S. I’ll ask Kier to get back to you with the contact information for the support group intake coordinator.

[KierC]

Hi again as well!

Popping in briefly to give you the information on the support groups:

Center on Halsted’s Grief and Loss Support Group: https://www.centeronhalsted.org/events/ ... /2025-5-15

Their intake phone number can be found at: (773) 472-6469 extension 460

They also have a Queer Women’s Group, I’m not sure if that is something you’re interested in as well, but if you are, it might be worth asking the intake person about as well!

If for any reason that group ends up not being a great fit, Queery has a good search tool for support groups and therapy groups in the area, and can be found here: https://queery.org/services/mental-heal ... rt-groups/

I hope this helps!

[spottedowl]

So I’m not going on the retreat because it’s too much to do with schoolwork, but when I do go back to study with them I can definitely just speak about my grief and frame it as not wanting them to worry. I can speak to them in private too. I think an issue for me is getting out of my parents orbit, since due to mental health issues and trouble finding jobs I’m still staying with them. In my mind, this makes me feel like I’m still a teenager in my childhood bedroom although I’m actually in my mid twenties. It’s a relief to not share the stuff that would lead to invalidation, but it also leads to some anxiety like “what if they ask?” “Oh no, I’m keeping secrets from my parents!” I was raised to be super emotionally open with my parents, and they still want to know everything about my emotional life, but I constantly have to remind myself that it would cause emotionally charged arguments if I actually came clean about my grief and true feelings. They may be good parents in other ways, but in this way they are not. Thanks for all your help and especially the advice about a grief group and dealing with my parents, I need to find ways to share my story.

[Heather]

Hey, spottedowl.

I think it can help to remember that even though you live with your parents, you are an adult, and you get to have the relationship you do with them on your terms. You also not only get to have boundaries, but boundaries are an important part of any healthy relationship. Being emotionally open with people shouldn't feel like a requirement, or something where we're being bad if we don't do it: it should be something you are with people if and when you want to be, and when you feel safe. I think we all know here, you most of all, that you have very good reasons for not being emotionally open with your parents about some aspects of your life and self. You're allowed to take care of yourself by not sharing things with people when sharing doesn't support your well-being.

If they ask about things you don't want to share, you're also allowed to say things like, "That's not something I want to talk about with you yet," or "That's not something I want to talk about with you," period. You can also be less direct if that feels better for you, whether you do that by changing the subject or some other means of evading whatever it is they're asking you to share. Your parents aren't owed shares from you just because they want them, and in fact, like anyone else, it's on them to build trust with you over time if they want you to feel more inclined to share.

[spottedowl]

Hi,
Thanks for the advice about boundaries. That really helped me during the past couple months. Going deep into this in therapy has helped me finally admit to myself that my parents don’t really care for me, or love me as much as they want a stable home environment. I’ve come to the conclusion that people who truly love you allow you to share yourself fully in the relationship and don’t ask you to hide parts of the past just because they feel uncomfortable. This has been a big realization and cause for relief with me this past month.
However with this realization I’ve felt this call from my gut to move away from my parents and be out of the closet and have my own life for the first time in years. It’s like this constant call to “get out!” from my true self. I was also able to find support from my religious leaders and extended family to live my own life and be more independent.
However, even with the boundaries (which have made things much easier), every time I’m at home my self confidence goes down the drain. My parents seem accommodating on the surface, and I end up convincing myself that I could tolerate it to stay with them until I get my dream job in biology, instead of the job in retail I found for myself. Or that it would not be so bad to romantically date someone, just to make them happy, even though I have no interest in this, and sometimes the romantic gestures feel uncomfortable to me as well. Every time this happens I remind myself that I deserve so much more than a living situation that I can bear.
How do I keep my self confidence up at home, when the goal is moving out and finally having space to myself? I’ve tried calmly asserting my need for independence with both my parents, but they say I can be independent with them which isn’t going to work. The sad part is they actually believe they are supporting me emotionally, when really that couldn’t be farther from the truth, and I’ve given up on any apologies from them.
I also want some tips on how to deal with extended family, who have been very supportive independence and job wise but genuinely do not know about the deaths of my friends or any of the drama that went down medically with me. They do not understand how emotionally difficult it’s been separating myself from my parents, that this is more work than the “typical” college kid moving away from home experience. They are getting frustrated with the constant draining away of the self confidence I gain while staying with them for brief periods.
Again this is stuff I’m touching on during therapy, but advice here also really helps me.

[Latha]

Welcome back, Spottedowl!

It must be very difficult to retain a clear sense of your needs and boundaries in your current circumstances, with family who seem supportive in every sense but are not helpful when you really need it. I imagine it’s difficult not to start thinking that things should be fine, and that you are the only one with a problem, and that if you could just adjust, things would be fine. Despite all of that, you are doing so well — you have made important progress in therapy (I’m glad it has helped!), and you are setting boundaries. That is incredible! You do deserve so much more than a living situation that you only bear, and I’m glad your gut is insisting on that.

I know you’ve asked about how you can keep your self confidence up at home. Some of the process of feeling better about yourself may come down to giving yourself time, and to actually having independence at some point. But until then, I think it may help to surround yourself with things that remind you of all the ways in which you are capable, and that make independence from your parents seem like a real and tangible possibility.

• As it is, what are the things in your life that make you feel independent? While you stay with your parents, are there any changes (even small ones) that would make you feel more so?

• Have you considered any plans that will help you move out at some point? I understand that staying with your parents until you find job that you want may be more secure and practical in some ways, but remember to keep your eyes open to the possibilities. Look for things that make you feel optimistic.

• It’s notable that you gain self confidence whenever you stay outside of your parent’s home. Can you find ways to do this more? When you are staying with your parents, would it help to find reasons to spend more time outside?

I’m glad to hear that you have a relatively supportive extended family, even though I understand how it could be difficult to communicate what you’ve been through to them. Do you think any of them would be open to listening if you explained? (Have you tried that already?) You’ve mentioned that they do not understand and are frustrated — would you say more about how they reacted?

[spottedowl]

So to answer the second question first, yes while my illness was happening years ago, I called my uncle and explained everything to him (my physical situation, the grief I felt over my friends, how I didn’t feel seen by anyone, my asexuality, everything). He ended up supporting me extremely well (having lost both his dad and some close friends in college), having a huge argument with my dad and grandma (who had not shared any information about me with him, so there was a deep sense of betrayal) and he wanted to cut off all contact with them, and take me to live with him and my aunt. However, I wasn’t well enough at the time to move home, and my uncle could not afford the therapy he needed to recover from the emotional changes he had gotten from my info. He quickly became extremely depressed.

At the same time my dad’s depression got much worse, and he repeatedly stated he needed a relationship with my uncle to be stable. So I let my parents stretch the truth with my uncle and aunt, until my uncle would talk with my dad again. I felt extremely uncomfortable with this lying, but at the time it seemed like the only option if I still wanted to have an alive dad and uncle.

Present day, my uncle is pushing for my independence and getting an apartment close to home, working a retail job to get my own money etc. He cannot understand why it is so hard for me to have self confidence with my parents, and him and my aunt are getting tired of me not taking initiative. Every time the conversation happens about the confidence, I really want to tell the truth about my heart condition, and my grief, but I don’t want to open old wounds that cannot be repaired. I think what really frustrates me about the issue, is that I know my uncle would be very supportive if I told him, but I can’t.
As far as my home goes I am brainstorming social activities to do that I like and make me feel independent, like board game club, music lessons, and hanging out at cafes and movie theaters. I had a whole plan to move out and stay in my apartment close to college (paid for by my parents), but I cannot find a job in that area of the city, despite applying to multiple ones. I am making a new plan to move out to an apartment close to home, but I really want to pay rent myself, because I know my parents will invite themselves over if they pay for it (I had the advantage of being a few hours away in the city). I guess it comes down to pushing for more independence and using my anxiety as an excuse to spend more time outside the house. My uncle has been vocal about my staying with him during my job search, so I need to find a way to accept that offer and spend more time in the city, where I have emotional and physical space from my parents.

[mikky]

Hi Spottedowl (love your username by the way)!

I can understand why it might be difficult to talk about grief and your heart condition with your uncle, even if he is typically supportive. It doesn’t seem like the baseline response you get from your parents and grandma is openminded supportiveness, and that often, your experiences and feelings are getting squashed down to make space for those of others. It seems like this even happened to some extent with your uncle and his depression.

Given that, your independence building projects seem very valuable. I agree that not having conditionality (your parents inviting themselves over) built into your rent is important. Having some communication about why this is all so tough for you with your uncle also seems important if you would be living with him through this job search.

Can you think of ways to talk with him that don’t feel as tender? You are a very articulate writer here, and I wonder if a short letter/email (even just to work through what you would like to say) might be a tool to both accept his offer and tell him about the challenges in navigating your relationship with your parents. Are there any other methods that might make things a little easier for you to share how you feel?

[spottedowl]

So I’ve made a lot of progress in the past week. I talked to my uncle regarding staying at his place for a week to continue my job hunt there and talked to my mom regarding my independence issues and got her agreement on doing things like handling shopping for my own clothes, or taking the car out to social activities. I don’t think my mom understands the true extent to which I need and desire independence, but I have her on my side for now, and I also managed to diffuse some of the anxiety she had regarding my emotional behavior on a vacation I just got back from.

But I feel like I need a grief ritual or something like it to manage the changed relationship I have with my parents. No matter what they say right now, they won’t listen to me when I try to recap the past and there’s this “secret” pain around that for me. I think when I faced my own mortality like I have with my illness, it made me more compassionate to others and extremely insistent on living a life by my own values even if that meant clashing with those of my parents. All of this happened while they were still grieving my illness, and the message I got repeatedly from them was to “be normal”, which was very hurtful because my normal behavior had been forever changed, and trying to suppress the changes led to my anxiety and depression. Any suggestions on something to grieve my close relationship and honor and let go of some of the anger I have over the way I was treated?

[KierC]

Hey spottedowl! It’s so good to see you back here and so good to hear these updates <3

This progress is significant! It seems like your mom might not yet understand *why* you’ve set these boundaries, but she’s willing to accept them in the meantime. How did the conversation with her make you feel? Also, how did the conversation with your uncle go?

Oh, I am so glad you’ve asked about rituals. We can definitely talk grief rituals. I think they’re incredibly valuable, I could really go on and on about them. An initial idea I have (jumping off of what Mikky said, which is that you are incredible articulate in your writing), is to start a grief journal, and practice using it regularly. I also wonder about writing a phrase or two that helps you in moments when the grief feels overwhelming, like a repeated, comforting phrase you could say along with the rest of your ritual. Does any of that sound like something you’d like to do? Too, are there other ways you typically like to express your feelings? Do you like to make art in other forms?

It might also help guide our discussion of grief rituals to think a bit about how this grief shows up for you. Is there a particular way that the grief feels for you? Is there somewhere it shows up in your body, or are there particular ways that you think about the grief? It sounds like anger is also a feeling you’re processing right now. What does that feel like for you?

[spottedowl]

Hello! The conversation with my mom made me feel like I was heard for the first time in a while, I’m glad my mom and I can bond over giving me more independence, such as the freedom to stay in my apartment and at my uncle and aunt’s house. I felt very relieved and relaxed knowing that my parents were going to stay off my back for a while now that they know what’s bothering me (at least in regards to independence)

The conversation with my uncle went well, him and my aunt were very understanding of my need for space from my parents, and it turns out all they were looking for is for me to make the first move and tell my parents and them what I needed. I still wish they would have been more clear about that from the beginning, but it worked out fine.

I am talking with my therapist more in depth about the grief and trauma that I experienced, and he actually suggested the grief journal months ago, so I’be been doing that. I’ve disguised it as a fictional story, so if anyone is snooping on my computer they will not know it is heavily based on real events. I already have a phrase too! “I will be kind, compassionate, and accepting of myself and my emotions.” It does the job of calming me down really well.

In addition to writing, I’ve always been really interested in fiber arts like embroidery or knitting, so I’m trying to find groups where I can do that again. In addition, baking helps as it’s an activity my friends and I did together as kids so it connects me to them. Singing also really helps with expressing the grief, as does piano. In my dad’s illness he got controlling and anxious at my behavior, so much so that he put a household ban on singing in the shower or elsewhere. I realized a few months ago that it had literally been years since I had sang in my house, so I started doing it again (parents don’t mind now).

The grief shows up for me primarily in my chest and throat, it feels like my heart is melting, but at the same time I feel cold, and I find myself needing to hum or sing to clear the tightness in my throat (usually I start crying at the same time).

The other weird thing is that I tend to have a lot of my energy with anger go straight to my legs, making me want to run. Physical exercise helps, but only so much, I’ll be thinking of how my parents treated me in the past or get angry at my friends’ deaths and suddenly find myself down the stairs from my bedroom to the kitchen or vice versa. I’ll be looking a little spaced out too, so that concerns my parents. The feeling always goes away in about 10 minutes, but I wonder if there’s a way to express the need for movement in a way that doesn’t involve me pacing around my house.

[HannahP]

Hi Spottedowl! It really does seem like you're making great progress. I am so happy to hear that your conversations with your family members not only resulted in things you were hoping for, but made you feel good too. It sounds like there were a few bumps and miscommunications, but that you're in a good place now.

I am also a big fan of journaling, so I think it's wonderful that you've been working through your grief that way! I actually think that blending fiction and nonfiction could be a really powerful way to explore your feelings. Sometimes that extra bit of freedom and creativity that comes from not having to stick exactly to the truth can really open things up. Some of my favorite books about trauma and grief are fictionalized, sometimes even to the extent of adding a speculative or supernatural element to the story — maybe something to explore?

I am also a fiber arts person and I think that's a wonderful choice as well. I love that fiber arts can be so tactile and grounding and kind of bring me back to the physical world (as someone who spends an awful lot of time very in my head.) I love the way you describe trying to tune into your body and listen to what it's telling you it needs. That is such a powerful practice!

Do you have any access to outdoor spaces near where you live? I find walking outdoors to be very soothing and grounding when I'm wound up or overwhelmed by emotion (and there's a lot of good science that supports that!) I also do a lot of pacing, but agree it seems to concern people for some reason! Whenever my partner catches me pacing he always says "Are you okay? Oh, wait, I forgot, you just like pacing!" But no one ever says a thing about walking outside!

[spottedowl]

Hi! Thanks so much for the suggestions about walking outside. I have plenty of parks and green spaces around my house, so I’ve started walking the dog a few times per week and it’s really been helping me.

I feel so emotionally good and happy now it’s really been great! One thing that’s been bothering me though is this intense regret I’ve been feeling about the past. It’s taken me years to accept myself and all of my emotions, and I constantly look back and wonder “what if I had stood up for my own emotions and not let my parents or other people walk all over me and tell me how I should feel all those years ago?” I spent so much time hating myself and struggling with anxiety.

I asked my therapist and he responded by telling me to have compassion for my younger self and to look forward.

Those were good suggestions and I’m continuing to do those things. I was incredibly brave and courageous at 20, dealing with all the grief, but that’s not stopping the guilt and regret I feel for hiding myself away for years. How do I forgive myself?

[maille]

hi spottedowl,

i am so glad the changes you are implementing in your life are turning out to be fruitful! i, too, am a big proponent of journaling and walking. one idea i have for your journal is to write messages to people who you want to share with but may no longer physically be around, or are not safe to share with right now. maybe to past and present relationships that you are grieving? does that sound like something that would be helpful?

i think self-compassion might be the key here. i don’t think younger spottedowl needs criticism or advice. that won’t do any good at this point. maybe, instead, she needs that self-compassion and forgiveness you identified. i really like some of the videos out there by kristin neff. would those be something you are interested in looking into and watching?

all the best!

[spottedowl]

Hello. My therapist actually told me about Kristen Neff last year, so I’ve been re reading her books and offering self compassion to my past self and it’s been going really well.

On the other hand, this is the week, probably even the day, that my friends passed, and I have just been having the grief hit me out of nowhere. Like one moment I’ll be fine and the next I’ll be catapulted back in time by a song, a certain perfume, the way the light falls on the ground, there’s lots of things that trigger it, but I’ll get angry at my family, and then so sad for my friends.

My dad wants me to see another therapist with more training, and I agree. I think I’ve exhausted what my current therapist has to say about my anxiety and grief and I’m struggling to get more perspective from him. How do you know if you’re done with therapy? Since I’ve been going for a few years now, and feeling much better, I guess I’m wondering when it’ll be finished.

Seeing another therapist just seems like it would be exhausting. (To re explain all my life events and start building the therapeutic relationship from the beginning again) One thing I’m learning is it’s difficult to have my therapist truly understand how what happened affected me, I feel like that’s more explored by myself through journaling or long walks or doodling art and other activities.

I know I’m not alone in my struggles and loss, I know this and yet when I look at my friends now, I realize I probably know more about grief and illness and loss then they do, and it just stops the connection. I feel so alone.

Or else I feel like shaking them and insisting that they follow their dreams, that nobody has any idea how much longer they have, that they should enjoy life with all its emotions and beauty, but then said friends just look at me like I read too many greeting cards. How do I find people that get it?

[Becky]

Hi spottedowl! My name is Becky-- hope it's okay that I jump in here.

My opinion is that if you feel like you're not getting anymore out of therapy right now, you can take a break from it. Especially if you feel you've made the progress you wanted to and don't feel like you're doing anymore growing or processing. Trust your gut on this! You can always come back to therapy in the future.

If you are feeling called to continue therapy but feel like you need a change, there are some really cool alternatives out there. Things like art or play therapy might be worth looking into. Based on what you've said about having success processing through journaling, art, and taking walks these alternative styles of therapy could possibly offer you some new ways to process.

As for finding people who "get it", I agree with Kier that something like a grief counseling group would be a good place to start. I was looking through our resources on Scarleteen about grief and found these articles that you might be interested in:

This one talks about "Death Positivity" which linked to this one that talks about the value of 'death positive' friendships which lead me to find this organization called 'Death Salon' which brings "...together intellectuals and independent thinkers engaged in the exploration of our shared mortality by sharing knowledge and art."

I think that sounds really cool! Unfortunately, it looks like they aren't super active at the moment but that still shows that there are other people out in the world who are looking for this kind of community just like you. Maybe you could start something similar in your area to attract like-minded people?

[spottedowl]

Hi,
Thanks for the resources about death positivity, they really helped! Exciting news in that I have an interview coming up for a job in my field that I’m really looking forward to. Some of the grief has gone down as well, I spend less time feeling sad over my dead friends, and feel their love for me more.

Recently I made a speech at my uncle’s birthday party, which really made me emotional as my uncle was one of the only people on my side as everything went down all those years ago. After that, both my parents were proud of my articulate speech, and although I wanted to tell them the backstory behind it, I didn’t.

Inside, I feel a tug to move away from home, to get my own space, my own life, but also a lying inner voice that says if I just tried harder (got more A’s in college, got a temporary job at the grocery store, cooked meals at home, practiced conflict resolution skills), that I could get them to accept what happened all those years ago.

It’s a little scary for me how easily I want to stomp all over my self respect and compassion for myself in order to please parents who get so emotional over what happened that they literally deny the deaths, the biggest thing in my life so far. It makes no logical sense to join them in that denial, and yet I still want to do it.

My therapist suggested I bring my parents in to discuss independence with me, and they assured me that they fully support my efforts to achieve it. My mom also made time to discuss independence plans with me one on one, and made me soup the other day when I was sick.

How do I stick to the independence I know I want, when I find it hard to even decide if I want a relationship with my parents and grandma anymore? I feel like it would be so much easier if I hated them, but I don’t.