having a hard time processing uncomfortable things that have been happening

[ls2verice]

I should've clarified that most of the online community I have is just following queer creators and interacting with their posts. I feel comfortable for the most part except for times that I see biphobia or transphobia even with my favorite creators. I used to talk to a bunch of other bi people but that space became triggering. so I guess I don't really have much of a community just creators I like to watch.

I do not feel comfortable switching universities. the problem is that my aunt and grandma already prayed for this college and expect me to go there. I don't believe in God so that's another thing. it feels kind of last minute to tell them I don't want to go. This school has also given me a lot of aid compared to the other schools that have my major so I feel tied down to this one. I cannot go out of state because that would be too much financially and I like where I live.

[Becky]

Hi ls2verice!

I think it's totally ok to not switch schools at this time. I understand how difficult it may be to be in a community you don't feel comfortable in but that you don't feel you can talk to your family about this right now. And getting financial aid is really great also! It might not be the dream situation, but it can be a means to an end.

Because the good news is, college is (usually) only four years. And you can use those four years in a lot of really productive ways! It will probably be your first time getting some independence from your family and that alone can allow for a lot of growth, self-discovery, and confidence building. Also, I don't know if you've thought about what you want to major in but there are many career paths that can lead to decent financial independence that could allow you to move to a safer, more open-minded place in the very near future. There also may be opportunities for internships in other states or even study abroad!

And I completely agree with Maille. There are Queer people EVERYWHERE. Even in a conservative area you will likely meet Queer people living both loudly and quietly. (Also, Queer people are historically verrryyyy good at creating underground spaces for ourselves.) I think as long as you can be yourself (you know, within limits of what's safe for you) and keep an open-mind, you'll find people you connect with.

And you can always find an off-campus library to connect with us here on Scarleteen. Or use a VPN like Maille suggested. Either way, we'll be here if you want to talk about your experience!

[mikky]

Hey, just chiming in here! I work in higher education, and wanted to share a few things:

Any school that receives any federal funding must follow Title IX, and even most private schools receive federal funding in things like student loans and pell grants. The same goes for following FERPA, which is the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act.
Under FERPA, your school legally cannot release any non-directory information about you to anyone. Additionally, you can ask for your record to be made confidential, so even directory information is private. What this means is, either way, your family can't ask your school for information like your grades or your conduct, unless you say that your school can share it. I hope this privacy can be helpful to you.

Additionally, while transferring can seem SUPER overwhelming (let alone financially feasible), it might be an option to look into at another time- while some schools have restrictions on how many credits you can transfer in with, my institution and many others accept transfers at any level, meaning you could switch in a year, or two years. There are a ton of factors that influence college cost, and there may be public universities in and out of state with comparable costs after financial aid, grants, and scholarships. I'm not sure if your Aunt and Grandma *paid* or *prayed* (or both?) for this school, but I understand feeling tied to it.
Everything Becky said is so true- but I wanted to also share that there are options here, and if they seem impossibly overwhelming, there is a lot of support for students in hard situations. In the last week I've worked with students coming out of prison, escaping abusive households, returning after a 30 year break, fully self supporting at 17.....

You will not be the only person at this school with complicated feelings about it. I truly hope you can find people there. It seems like you'll be living on campus, which while hard, can be helpful for us introverts since it makes other people much more accessible.

[ls2verice]

it's like 50/50 comfortable and not. if there are any other online spaces that you know of for queer people I would like to know )

I'm going to college this week so I'll do that (I'm very excited!). I cannot transfer because my aunt and grandma prayed for this school and this is kind of a last minute decision. plus they've given me a lot of aid and I cannot find a school that matches that, is in my state, and has my major. I should also mention that despite going to this christian school, I am not a christian. My aunt got mad at me for admitting to not being christian and I feel like if I admitted that for a reason I don't want to go she'd be upset.

also I had a question related to the very first post I made on this thread. I recently had a bunch of memories resurface during church about it and I cannot shake the feeling of shame about the fact that I lied about the knife thing. I look back and realized that I misspoke and I should've just said that but I didn't and tried to roll with it. I'm do horribly under stress. I'm having a hard time seeing myself as experiencing abuse or something harmful because I feel like my lie outweighed it. and while I did apologize while she was on the phone with my other aunt briefly, I still feel like apologizing. it's not that I think it wasn't bad, it's just making me deny myself.

What tips would you have for dealing with that and do you guys have any articles that relate somewhat to these type of feelings?

[lilikoi]

Hi ls2service,

I am sorry you have been working through such complicated and unstable family dynamics. I am excited for you to be out of that house and able to explore a new world at college independent from your dad and aunts! I am new to the conversation and wanted to follow up with you but I worry we're missing some information. I looked through all the previous posts and did not find a story about a knife. Do you mind resharing so that we have the context to answer your question?

Shame that accompanies lying is normal but we need more context to get into the specifics about the knife incident and help give perspective about your situation. That being said, if your concern is that you are the one to blame for any harm or abuse because of a lie you said, I want you to know you are not the one to blame. Abuse is a complicated experience which is often characterized by the victim feeling responsible. Shame, guilt, blame are all commonly experienced by victims. Not because you are to blame but because the nature of an abusive dynamic means that someone is perverting their power over you. Particularly if you are reliant on them for love and care (like a parent is responsible for) your brain does its best to make sense of the reason you haven't gotten such meaningful love or care. Looking through our catalogue, I found some articles that might be helpful. I would recommend seeking out information from other sources that specialize in parent/child dynamics. One of my favorite podcasts for this is called Therapist Uncensored. Below are some Scarleteen articles that might be useful too!

• Be Your Own Superhero: Learning How and When to Stand Up for Ourselves

• I wonder if reading this guide for a friend might give you some clarity about your experience as well: How to Care for Friends Who've Experienced Trauma

• This one isn't exactly relatable but reinforces that you have agency even between you and your father: My father isn't respecting my personal boundaries.

[lilikoi]

I left work yesterday thinking about this and scoured the catalogue of Therapist Uncensored Podcast to learn more about the dynamic you asked about. I found this episode that explains the difference between shame and guilt as defined by a psychotherapist. It reminded me to recommend therapy as a resource for you. I know there are often all kinds of barriers to getting a therapist (which is why I love therapy podcasts!) but, once you can get one, it is a really valuable way to untangle those specifics that you've been mentioning. Colleges often have mental health centers with options for group or individual therapy. I highly recommend checking it out on your campus so you can have in person support for your family dynamic. Given your concern about the college values, it might be good to ask the mental health center how they comply with the school policies to make sure they are actually there to help you feel comfortable in your skin. An alternative option if you have insurance would be to access therapy through your insurance network. Is that possible for you?

Now that you have been on campus, how does it feel?! You mentioned being worried you might not be able to access queer websites and need to hide parts of yourself. Have you met any queer or queer friendly peers? Our External Resources page is a list of online spaces with queer options galore.

[ls2verice]

I cannot transfer universities right now because that is what was prayed about for me. I am already situated in dorms right now and it feels too late to go back especially because I like it somewhat. I feel less paranoid about whether they will see what I'm doing on here! I had another thing I wanted to say but I forgot about it. I had tried to post it two times but it did not process and submit so I guess it doesn't really matter much right now.

I should also say my communities are mostly just queer tiktokers and people who partake in queer discourse. realized that that was not really the best community for me as time passed as some of them were bigoted and the spaces were toxic. is there any only spaces or forums that are queer you could recommend to me?

[ls2verice]

I think it was actually a glitch as I can see some responses and my original posts. I have now just figured out a feature that you're supposed to go to the second page after a certain amount of posts! also the knife incident was when my aunt had gotten mad at me for not holding a knife correctly which then led to a big lecture where she just progressively got more mad. she poked me with a knife multiple times, she broke a plate, she threw a knife at the sink I was standing at, she threw my headphones, it was all crazy. after she threw a book at my stomach I said something along the lines of "you dont have the right to throw a knife at me" and then ran downstairs, didn't mean to say it (I think I have a problem with my speech if I'm being honest, my words are jumbled and I find it hard to make cohesive sentences and will say things that I do not mean but say it anyway, I should get it checked out I think).

the original post I made was here: viewtopic.php?t=14846

now that I think about it, is there a way to help with speech like that? I think it's because my social skills plummeted and I became kind of anti-social so it's harder to form cohesive sentences or even think of what to say at all. do you know how to help with it, I need some tips for speech.

being on campus is alright as I said before I'm not that paranoid. though everyone is extroverted and I am not so I am overwhelmed and feel alienated. overall, I'm just excited to get my classes going. I think i can continue being here, but I still think it would be too much to transfer. I have to think about it more to be on board with the idea.

[lilikoi]

Hi again!

I asked our team for suggestions for queer forums. We didn't come up with something akin to this. Scarleteen is still a pretty unique space on the web, unfortunately. If anyone thinks of something, we will absolutely send it your way! I know some of my friends have found community playing video games and creating their own discord for their new friends they met playing online. Do you like video games?

Thanks for linking your previous post! I completely missed that last time. As for speech, based on the context of the situation, I think it's absolutely fair that your words would come out jumbled. When someone is throwing stuff at you and you feel threatened, your body is not in the best place to bring the house down with any literary prowess, know what I mean? Now that I know the backstory, I definitely want to reinforce that you are not to blame for the knife incident. The person who escalated things was your aunt. You deserve to feel safe and restored at home. It makes sense that your fear and discomfort and anxiety from home has spilled out into other parts of your life including your speech. What do you think about my suggestion for a therapist? Is there a mental health center on campus where you could get more direct support?

Glad to hear that you are feeling less paranoid about your online privacy and are settling into college!