First relationship issues

[RedCarnation]

So I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for nearly 6 months now but I’m still having some issues and feelings about us that I thought would recede.

This is my first relationship and experience with anything romantic but she has already been in more than one relationship before.

We met in university but the first time we met, she already had a girlfriend. It was only after they had broken up that she even knew who I was and we started to become close friends then after a few months we got into a relationship.

Like I said this is my first time even having romantic feeling towards someone let alone being in a relationship and because of this I feel a lot of insecurity and jealousy even though I know it’s not her fault she has been with other girls. Despite this I’m still finding it difficult to believe that she wants me and not just another relationship. I also feel bad because even though she’s never done anything to make me think she doesn’t like me I still get sad that I’m not any of her firsts when she’s all of mine. Then I feel guilty and sad because she can probably tell I’m being off with her for something that’s not her fault.

Logically I know that it’s not her fault and she can’t change her past but I still feel insecure about it. And I feel worse because I know that her past relationships weren’t the best either so I shouldn’t be comparing us but I can’t help but think about it sometimes.

As well as that because we’re a bit older it feels very serious and we also share some friends so there’s more pressure, and because of our differences in experience we want to have different paces. We’ve had some conflicts about this but have been able to talk about it but we are also long distance at the moment and I’m nervous about how we will be when we see each other again.

I think one of my biggest issues now is dealing with that retroactive jealousy and not torturing myself by comparing myself to her past experiences. It’s just hard to remind myself that she wants me now because I can’t help but think that I’m just another one of her girlfriends.

[maille]

Hi, RedCarnation!

I hear you saying that you have feelings that you do not love having about your girlfriend's past. You sound pretty aware that we all come into relationships with varying levels of experience and pasts. Try not to beat yourself up about these natural, but unwanted, thoughts and emotions. The key comforting thought for me here would be something along the lines of "She is choosing to be with me now".

I am glad you all have been able to talk through conflicts about differences in pace and experience. I wonder if you may find some phrasing you could use to explain to her how you feel from this article.

Let us know how you feel after giving this a read. Best of luck!

[RedCarnation]

Thank you this was an interesting read and gave me some insight into some things.

But I think I’m less concerned about my own inexperiences and more insecure that she has more than me. I’ve always been pretty okay with the fact that I haven’t done anything with anyone because I know that that is normal and I’m still young and just didn’t have the right opportunities to explore. But now being in a relationship I feel more negative emotions about the fact that she has already had experiences that I don’t, and not necessarily that I’m not as good as them. So it’s kind of like I don’t feel less than but I feel like she is more than, if that makes sense?

Like if we do anything couple related I know that we’re having a good time but also there’s always that thought of ‘she’s done this already with someone else’ which makes me feel sad and hesitant to do things. And this also sometimes puts a strain on us because she thinks that I’m not as interested but I just find it hard to be fully enthusiastic because I know that it’s not completely new to her in the same way it is for me which I get upset about sometimes.

It’s just hard because we work well and have fun and enjoy our time together it’s just when I have those thoughts that I feel like I’m making things unnecessarily off between us.

[KierC]

Hey RedCarnation!

I hope it’s ok that I’m popping in here. I can completely appreciate the feelings you’re having in this relationship, particularly with the jealousy about past partners. You know, when I was in my very first relationship (also at 19!), my partner had had a few relationships before, and I did go through those pangs of jealousy thinking about past partners. There were a few things that I’d remind myself of that helped. First, I think it’s important to gently reality-check these feelings. I hear you say it’s not her fault for having previous partners, but it can be helpful to reframe that and just take the fault out altogether. There’s truly no fault to be placed for a partner having had previous partners. It can definitely feel weird, especially when dating is something new for you! But, previous partners is a part of dating, so I sometimes would remind myself that while taking deep breaths and trying to soothe my nervous system, which can get activated when you feel jealousy!

Second, this article we have on our site is also incredibly helpful for when you feel those feelings. It helped me personally, and I read it still to this day when I feel jealous! Jealousy: Making Friends With A Green-Eyed Monster.

The parts about checking in on what the fear is (Is it fear of loss? Fear of not being enough?), and seeing exactly how that feeling registers in your body (Is it in your chest? Does it make you feel out of breath?), have been really helpful, and I hope this helps you a bit too!

Does reading through that article help a bit? Did it give you any insights on where these feelings might be coming from?

[RedCarnation]

Yes thank you KierC for recommending this article and even though I don’t exactly have the same experience the overall message is still very helpful!

I see your point about about the fault thing and maybe that’s a better way to look at it. I do try to think about it in different ways. For example I think to myself that her having those experiences means she can be with me now but I guess it’s always going to be a sensitive topic.

I think another part of it is that from our relationship she’s very all in and it makes me feel like I can be replaced because if she thinks that about her girlfriend, including her past ones, then there’s still a chance that if we were to ever part ways she will be able to say the same things to them that she did to me. Well actually I think that’s why I feel jealous and insecure really. Because I don’t like the idea that she’s also done and thought these feelings about someone else because maybe it means that they’re not permanent.

I know that a lot of this comes from my overthinking and own issues because she is reassuring and when we’re together I don’t feel like she’s thinking about anyone else, it’s just my own thoughts that make up these things.

We also have two very different attachment styles (me being avoidant and her being anxious) so we have very different views and approaches to things. She is very all in and open and vulnerable where I need to take time to trust in our stability and permanence, which isn’t helped by the fact this is my first experience and she is more versed in what she wants and needs from a relationship.

I guess it is a fear of loss and how I feel scared that I could be replaceable. Also in terms of not being enough or comparison, I don’t feel like I have to live up to past partners in terms of behaviour because I know that those relationships weren’t the best and we have something good now. But I do compare myself in the sense that I want to be better than them and not be the same as them because I know that they hurt her.

I think from the article my main causes are fearing loss, and insecurity and I think I’d need a lot of time and effort to overcome that more so it’s not lingering over us.

Thank you for suggesting this article, it has some comforting words and advice I’ll try to use.

I do have a question though. The end of the article suggests journaling or writing about it. Do you think that it’s a good idea to show this to your partner? Or to keep it to yourself and try to work through it?

[Anya]

Hi RedCarnation,

Im glad that the article let helpful to you in reflecting on what you’ve been feeling. It truly is so important to be able to recognize our own emotions and talk about what we’ve been feeling even if it’s not all flowery all the time.

Your concerns are very real, and you are certainly not alone in feeling this way. I think it is a sign of good character to be aware of a partners’ past and want to do better for them than maybe others have. I will say though, the overthinking itself is pretty much never what ends up creating a more comforting or trusting sense of security. That is the work you do, both with your partner in communicating your feelings, as well as with yourself in your own time.

To respond to your question on whether sharing your writing is a good idea, I think that this is the kind of thing that is really just up to you. If you do decide to write something up, read it back to yourself, and if it’s something you feel you want to share, I think by all means. If not though, I think that’s totally okay too. It is really just about your own preference at the end of the day. How does that feel?

[RedCarnation]

Yes communication between the two of us is something that we try to encourage and I think we’re okay at it and I’m getting better (because I’m not a very open person or in touch with my emotions as much). I think once we see each other in real life too we’ll hopefully be able to communicate more and feel a stronger sense of security since we’ve been long distance for three months.

About the writing thing thanks for responding with your thoughts on it, Anya. I have done that in the past where I have written up what I was feeling and decided to show her a little while after as I felt like she should hear what I am feeling since it’s harder for me to articulate it in the moment. I was just curious if you had any opinions on it!

[maille]

RedCarnation,

I am so glad you received some insight here! I am hopeful that once you get an in-person visit wih each other, you will be able to strengthen that communication even more. In the meantime, long distance is a great, although challenging, way to hash out communication differences.

I agree with Anya about the writing. Whether you share it or not is up to your comfort level and whether you deem productive conversations will come from it or not.

Is there anything else we can help you out with?

[RedCarnation]

Yes, me too I hope we can both feel better once we see each other. And yeah it is good we could use this long distance to practice going to the other if we have something bothering us and being forced to communicate in words since we can’t see each other in person. And more so for me since I’m not a very good words of affirmation person and not very good and talking about how I feel.

Thank you all, maille, KierC, and Anya for listening and for your advice! It’s all been helpful and reassuring to me that I’m doing okay so I can just carry on doing what I’m doing, keeping your advice in mind when I stumble a bit, and to just take my time.

One last thing, if I have anything more to say is it best to just start a new post or come back to this one?

[Latha]

Hi there, RedCarnation! I'm glad maille, Anya, and Kier's advice was helpful!

If you start small, it might not be too difficult to develop a habit for affirmation in a way that could help your relationship with your girlfriend. You can ask her about what kind of affirmation she needs if you are not sure about it. Then, spend some time thinking about different affirming things you could say, and when you might say them. Once you have that, you could set small goals, like complimenting her or affirming your care for her once a day. Overtime, this may become something you don't need to think too hard about.

It is also possible to work on developing a sense of comfort in talking about how you feel with your partner. Remember, you are also allowed to ask for help with your emotional needs.

To answer your question: If you have anything more to say about this relationship, you could come back to this post. And if you want to talk about a new subject entirely, you could start a new thread.

[RedCarnation]

Thank you for the previous advice!

We were able to end our long distance and met up a few times this past week. But I do feel like I'm going to need some time to get used to talking about things out loud again, which I did express and she was understanding, and also let me know that she would feel more security through words of affirmation.

We've seen each other for less than a week and today we're going out with some friends, and meeting at someone's accommodation. My issue is that the place we're going to is the same one that my girlfriend used to stay at with her ex (bc that was her ex's accom). And it's kind of weird because its like this time last year they were still together but I knew my girlfriend and knew that she was staying with her (ex)girlfriend before she even knew anything about me.

So I'm just a bit worried that maybe I'll feel weird, or upset, or jealous, or stupid, because of that. Because when the conversation like makes me think 'oh you know a lot about this accommodation' it's just a harsh reminder that not too long ago she was doing the same things with someone else completely different. Also because mutual friends also know this and I guess I'm concerned about their perceptions of us/me.

[amber]

Hi RedCarnation,

I can definitely see how it could difficult in an environment which triggers some of those weird/upset/jealous feelings. I am sorry you are feeling this way. I also want to say it is not 'stupid' of you to feel this way. I think lots of people in your shoes would experience similar emotions.

Like others suggested in this thread, I think leaning on your girlfriend and letting her in on how you've been feeling could be helpful. While you work on unpacking and processing your own feelings, It is also acceptable to have your partner's support.

Are you doing any self-care to take care of yourself while in this stressful environment?

[RedCarnation]

Yes, I know I should talk to her more about it so it doesn't turn into this big thing lingering over us. I think maybe over time I can gradually get more comfortable bringing things up and asking for help without feeling like I could break something.

What do you mean by self-care? I was planning to just go back to one of the articles that was suggested before about jealousy and trying to feel where that is coming from, and try to apply that to the situation if I feel overwhelmed by things.

[amber]

That sounds great, it is definitely not a skill that will develop overnight - I think you're doing a great job!

For self-care, I meant if there is anything else you are doing to ease some stress. Maybe just taking some alone time, reading a book, taking a bath, etc. It is great that you are focused on working through these jealous feelings, but having that consume your life may do more harm than good. Does that make more sense?

When my mind is racing I love to let myself get lost in a book. I wonder if having some you-time could be helpful.

[RedCarnation]

Thank you!

Yes, more recently I have been conscious about being too reliant or consumed by my relationship. I have been trying to take more time to myself to do things for me or just not drop what I'm doing and put my relationship ahead of everything else. So I do watch shows that I like, or go out for a walk, or do things alone or with other people. Also I think once I start doing academic work again I'll have more things to focus on that are more important just for me. And I do think that having time alone to do things makes me feel a bit better because it reminds me that I am and can still be my own person despite the fact that I'm now in a relationship, since I had concerns about this before.

[Latha]

Hi RedCarnation!

It sounds like you have a good process in place for finding a balance between being with your partner, and being your own person in your relationship.

How did your outing with your partner and friends end up going on Wednesday? You mentioned feeling worried that it might feel uncomfortable or weird. Did that end up happening?

[RedCarnation]

Hi,

I know I haven't been on here for while which maybe was a good thing (because things were going well) but now I feel like this might be the best place for me to talk.

About that last outing I talked about, it was okay after a while and we have been back since and it was okay. At first I felt a bit weird but I think maybe part of it was because I was also kind of expecting it to be weird.

Since then we have had a few issues which were personal to them so I won't get into those too much but now we're kind of facing a bigger problem that I wanted to write about to try to get some things off my chest so to speak. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this or to ask advice in real life because we both kind of know the same people and I don't think it's right for me to be telling people about personal relationship issues when we both are friends with them. Also I am a private person and care about what people think of me (which is part of the issue we're having) so I quite like the relative anonymity of using the message boards.
(I also apologise in advance because this is already kind of long..)

Okay so, this past week was pretty full of halloween events and celebrations, which were coming off the back of a pretty emotionally intense time for us as we had an argument/conversation about how we're feeling and our emotional needs (this happened the week before halloween week). We became a lot closer after this and it felt like we were making some progress and getting to a good place. I think I've mentioned before that I can be pretty avoidant, and insecure, and a bit slower to trust or believe when they say they like me or want things with me, but I was getting to a place where I started to believe them and we were meeting in the middle so I could also reciprocate their need to feel more explicitly and verbally loved.

But on Friday we (me, my girlfriend, and our close friend) went to a friends house as they were having people over to drink before we were going out. So we all know different people at this 'party' and one of them is in my group of course mate friends. I'm not that close with this group but when we all walked in one of them made a comment about how another girl in that group will be happy to see me/how I look. This, understandably, made my girlfriend feel really jealous also because she had concerns about this girl before this, even after I had reassured her. Because of this jealousy, she kind of drank more and ended up making me feel insecure and upset by bringing up things that I've have made me feel insecure and sad before, also by acting in what I perceived to be an overly flirty way to someone.

The whole night kind of made me feel bad because it felt like all my insecurities were made true and it wasn't all in my head. It was also particularly upsetting because I felt really stupid that as soon as I started to believe her more fully and not be overthinking about us as much this happens, which made me falter in how much I should I should trust her and what she has said in the past.

I know that before this I felt comfortable and safe but now I'm not sure about it or how long it might take for me to feel that way again. I still feel like I want to be around her but the voice that would be telling me to not believe any of it is more at the front of my mind now and it's worse because I feel like I have a reason to listen to it now.

I don't want this to break us up because it was only one night, it's just that there was a lot of things that built up over the night that made it so I couldn't rationalise it or put it down as overthinking. We have seen each other since then but of course it hasn't been the same since I am more hesitant because I was hurt and she is more hesitant because she knows she hurt me. Today we saw each other and it was better but I guess I'm just sad that this has happened to us because we were going so well and were happy quite literally just that morning.

I'd appreciate some thoughts on this because I haven't ever been in this kind of position before. Thank you.

[maille]

Welcome back, RedCarnation!

The ups and downs of any relationship are tough, especially when it all feels so new to us. I hear you identifying that you all have different attachment styles, and that may come with different ways of addressing (or not addressing) conflict. No matter your communication styles, I think it is really important for you both to have space to discuss your concerns with each other. I know this may sound like it will create conflict, but two healthy partners look to understand each other. I am going to link a very very basic article on conflict resolution. The info may seem intuitive, but sometimes when we are emotionally elevated, it can be helpful for us to have it spelled out in front. Conflict Resolution Basics Let us know how you feel after giving this a read! Best!