Issues with pleasure

[Bl4ckc4t24]

Hello! Im new to this website and I am having issues with pleasure.
Since I was twelve, I've never felt pleasure, only arousal and no matter what I did, nothing felt good. I read some of your info pages about how it doesn't have to be just clitorial or penetrative to be masturbation but nothing works. I only feel pleasure with a partner or after an erotic dream (and even then I only feel a very small amount) the only thing I havent tried are sex toys and I am 15 so thats am no go. I don't think its a shame or mental thing because I've never felt shame around that sort of thing. I was on anti depressant medication from 12-14 so I understand those years but its been almost 2 whole years since then and I feel broken. Im definitely not asexual because I get really aroused. I just cant do anything about it and its really getting to me. I feel comfortable in my body and I've browsed these boards looking for any answer I haven't tried but I feel so lost. Ive been feeling like this for almost 4 years and I've tried all of the methods I've seen. Am I really just "broken"?

[Anya]

Hey Bl4ckc4t24 and welcome to the boards!

First of all, i'm sorry to hear that you're having trouble with this, it sounds like it could be quite a confusing and frustrating thing to navigate. And before anything else, as i'm sure youve noticed by browsing the site, we all have stuff we're dealing with that can make us feel alone or broken, but I can 100% promise you that you are neither broken, nor alone in this feeling. We're glad to have you here with us.

So, it sounds like for the last couple of years you've been struggling to experience "pleasure," and instead, only feeling sensations of arousal, which if i'm understanding you correctly is maybe a more of an uncontrolled, physical feeling than a chosen, pleasant, mind + body experience. As well, your suspicions lead you to believe it might not be a shame, body, or mental health thing based on how you feel about those things seperately.

I notice that you mention being able to feel pleasure when you're with a partner or after an erotic dream, so it does sound like you know the feeling you're looking for, which is helpful! Can I ask what might be different between the experience of being with a partner and being by yourself? Is there maybe an emotional or sexual spark that you feel with your partner (or in a dream) that you're missing when you're by yourself, or do they do a specific action that you really enjoy? If you can try and identify what is different in those two situations, it could make it easier to figure out what you can actually do the next time you want to feel the feelings you're after! Does this sound like somethng you could try?

Also, just to cover all bases, something that is quite common in people who come here feeling similarly is the element of stress on someone's experience of pleasure. When we put pressure on ourselves consiously, or subconsiously to feel a certian way, or achieve something, it can actually pull our brains in a different direction that makes it really tough to come back to pleasure. So if this resonates at all, i'd think about recognizing the headspace you're in when you do try and feel pleasure. Does anything feel forced, stressful, or are there any expectations you're putting on yourself? If so, something you can try is letting that stuff exist, not pushing it out, but just resting with it and letting it go. Trying to take a few deep breaths and recenter your mind can be helpful in ridding yourself of some of that built up stuff.

How does all of that sound to you?

[Bl4ckc4t24]

For me, the difference is the feeling of pleasure. I do the exact same things to myself as I did with my partner but it just doesn't feel good, or really like anything at all. It feels just like I'm touching any other part of my body, whereas with my partner, it feels pleasurable.
At the beginning, I don't think I had any pressure but as time went on I just got so frustrated with my body not working how I want it to I might have subconsciously stressed about it. Organisming was never something I expected but I have cried multiple times over not feeling any release from touching myself. I still have the urges to do it when aroused but it feels the same as touching anywhere else (at least the same sensation). I do get physically and mentally aroused but it really gets to me, not being able to do anything about it. The frustration has been getting worse recently, especially with my friends being so open about how good it feels and how regularly they do it. Partially I feel jealous of them but mostly I just want to feel something.

[Anya]

Hi Bl4ckc4t24,

That's totally understandable. It must feel pretty discouraging to hear others talk about this as if it comes easy for everyone. It is important to realize though that you truly never know what goes on behind closed doors, so even if it feels like they dont have any issues when it comes to pleasure or their own bodies, it can be impossible to really tell. We all have minds that can pick on us sometimes and bodies that might not always function the way we want them to.

I do think that some part of what you're feeling is related to the pressure you might unknowingly be putting on yourself to achieve this goal. Again, not an uncommon, but totally still frustrating thing to deal with.

Something that I want you to think about is the mindset you're in when youre engaging with your partner. I'd bet it's probably pretty present given you do experience pleasure in these situations, so thinking about how you might achieve the same kinda headspace when youre by yourself is something I'd look into.

Another thing that might help is thinking about self-care or practices like breathing, fantasizing, maybe a body scan as mentioned in this column (which even though the Q itself might not resonate with you, Heather's reponse sure could) so, i'd give it a read through. I would also recommend giving this article on sexual reponse and orgasm a look, as it could have some pretty helpful information in there for ya.

[Bl4ckc4t24]

Thank you very much!

Is it just something I just have to lean to accept and live with?

That statement sounded really pessimistic but I cant rephrase it any other way. Thank you very much for the advice and I will continue to try every method I come across.

The sources were really comforting. I guess it never really occurred to me that I could live without pleasure. I had it in my head that it was a part of being human and I only realised that while reading them.

Thank you so very much for the help!

[lilikoi]

Hi Bl4ckc4t24!

So glad to hear that Anya's been able to help with resources. There's no way for us to give a definitive answer about what your body needs or if there is a pathway to pleasure. In the case of sexual pleasure, it's an experiment for everyone to find what works for them. For some people, solo play doesn't work as well as partnered play so it could be something to accept in yourself.

I know at first glance, your question might feel pessimistic but maybe another way to think about your question is to learn what you desire, what feels good to you, and what experiences do bring you pleasure. Outside of sexual experiences, do you find that it's easy for you to experience pleasure? It could be really appreciating good food, good music, or a pretty view. If it's hard for you to notice pleasurable experiences in general, that could be a sign to reach out to a psychotherapist.

It sounds like you are in touch with your desires which I think is a great place to start!