I (16 tboy) got my first girlfriend (17 tgirl) about a month ago, and we've been having sex occasionally. One thing I realized is that I'm super masochistic and somewhat sadistic, and she is not.
We've ordered a strap-on (hasn't arrived yet), and have been wanting to do anal. Today i fingered her a little bit but like. she's not even done anything like that on her own. And this scares me because it means that she doesn't really know her own boundaries in that matter, she doesn't know what feels good and bad for her
I don't want to hurt her, but it almost feels unavoidable since I only know my own body, and my boundaries are much further out there than hers are. I DON'T stop when it hurts... i like it.. :P But i would want to stop before it hurts for her, because she doesn't like it!
I've asked her to maybe try touching herself? like for practice? (sdiybt) but she says she "doesn't wanna." (she's kinda silly like that ig) So i feel like this is new for both me AND her, and that scares me because i don't want to hurt her! But i've really never done anything anal (on myself) that doesn't hurt a little. because i like it that way.
Anyway, how do i be more gentle? Obviously go slow and use lots of lube, but like... i worry since we're getting the strap soon, I won't be able to tell what's too much, because it's not my own body part it's silicone. I am very excited for it and i know she is too. but i'm worried i'll hurt her without knowing, esp since she's so inexperienced!!
Being more gentle?
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fishfish
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Being more gentle?
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Heather
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Re: Being more gentle?
Hi there, fishfish, and welcome to the boards.
Before we say anything else about this (and we can give you some helps with how to engage in anal sex safely and so it doesn't cause pain with a strap-on, but I just want to make sure that's even right in this context first), would you mind answering a couple of clarifying questions so we can be sure we give you the best advice?
When you say "we" have been wanting to do anal, do you mean that your girlfriend has said that this is something she wants to do for herself? Or do you get the impression this is more about her wanting to do it because you want to?
Have you two had some real discussions about boundaries and limits and how you're going to create and express and honor them in your sex life together? You say she doesn't know her own boundaries. Sometimes we can't know with some things and do have to feel those things out as we go, but have you two talked about things like, for instance, how she is going to communicate what feels good or bad to her, or how you can take things gradually, and how she'll let you know when she's ready to do more of something and when she wants to stop or adjust things? Have you also talked about what she wants to do, separate from what you want?
Do you actually feel like your partner is ready to be sexual with someone else? I get that you want to be sexual with her, and it sounds like she might want to be with you, but what does your gut tell you about her readiness, especially with her saying things like that she doesn't want to get to know her own body more herself?
I do want to say, for you, that if you are engaging in anal play that is causing you pain, you may be causing yourself injury. Even if you enjoy pain and like how that feels, the fact remains that the tissues of the anus and rectum are delicate and pretty easily injured, and pain is the way our body tells us to stop doing something. That's obviously tricky if and when we enjoy pain and are doing things to explore that, but pain with anal sex is very different, for example, than the pain caused by something like spanking. Pain from the latter is unlikely to cause injury unless the skin is broken, whereas pain from the former often indicates injury is happening. Get what I mean? Long story short, I'd strongly advise that you're sure you're being gentle with yourself with anal sex, going very gradually, and using plenty of lube so you don't wind up with fissures or other injuries.
Before we say anything else about this (and we can give you some helps with how to engage in anal sex safely and so it doesn't cause pain with a strap-on, but I just want to make sure that's even right in this context first), would you mind answering a couple of clarifying questions so we can be sure we give you the best advice?
When you say "we" have been wanting to do anal, do you mean that your girlfriend has said that this is something she wants to do for herself? Or do you get the impression this is more about her wanting to do it because you want to?
Have you two had some real discussions about boundaries and limits and how you're going to create and express and honor them in your sex life together? You say she doesn't know her own boundaries. Sometimes we can't know with some things and do have to feel those things out as we go, but have you two talked about things like, for instance, how she is going to communicate what feels good or bad to her, or how you can take things gradually, and how she'll let you know when she's ready to do more of something and when she wants to stop or adjust things? Have you also talked about what she wants to do, separate from what you want?
Do you actually feel like your partner is ready to be sexual with someone else? I get that you want to be sexual with her, and it sounds like she might want to be with you, but what does your gut tell you about her readiness, especially with her saying things like that she doesn't want to get to know her own body more herself?
I do want to say, for you, that if you are engaging in anal play that is causing you pain, you may be causing yourself injury. Even if you enjoy pain and like how that feels, the fact remains that the tissues of the anus and rectum are delicate and pretty easily injured, and pain is the way our body tells us to stop doing something. That's obviously tricky if and when we enjoy pain and are doing things to explore that, but pain with anal sex is very different, for example, than the pain caused by something like spanking. Pain from the latter is unlikely to cause injury unless the skin is broken, whereas pain from the former often indicates injury is happening. Get what I mean? Long story short, I'd strongly advise that you're sure you're being gentle with yourself with anal sex, going very gradually, and using plenty of lube so you don't wind up with fissures or other injuries.
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
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fishfish
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Re: Being more gentle?
Hi Heather, thanks for the response!
She does want to do anal. She's made it very clear she's interested. I don't know why she doesn't do anal masturbation. I will ask her that, actually.
We've talked about boundaries before and proper communication, like during other times we've had sex, and when we both took this kink test thing, but I do think it's good advice to sit down and have a whole conversation about it. I just have to talk to her!!! I think I really just got caught up in my head over this; I have not had good sleep recently and that + insane hormones are kind of messing with my head. Pro tip: having your period while on testosterone is really weird.
As for being ready to be sexual with someone else, she seems pretty dang eager, but again I will talk to her about this. She's had other partners before me, and in fact currently has 2 other partners, but they're online.
Yeah for myself I do some anal masturbation but really not much. I will make sure to keep your advice in mind though. Mostly I was talking about vaginal penetration though lol
I am glad I made this post and i really appreciate your response because it helped me realize I literally just need to talk to her about this. It's that easy. Idk why I'm overcomplicating it (ToT)
She does want to do anal. She's made it very clear she's interested. I don't know why she doesn't do anal masturbation. I will ask her that, actually.
We've talked about boundaries before and proper communication, like during other times we've had sex, and when we both took this kink test thing, but I do think it's good advice to sit down and have a whole conversation about it. I just have to talk to her!!! I think I really just got caught up in my head over this; I have not had good sleep recently and that + insane hormones are kind of messing with my head. Pro tip: having your period while on testosterone is really weird.
As for being ready to be sexual with someone else, she seems pretty dang eager, but again I will talk to her about this. She's had other partners before me, and in fact currently has 2 other partners, but they're online.
Yeah for myself I do some anal masturbation but really not much. I will make sure to keep your advice in mind though. Mostly I was talking about vaginal penetration though lol
I am glad I made this post and i really appreciate your response because it helped me realize I literally just need to talk to her about this. It's that easy. Idk why I'm overcomplicating it (ToT)
That which dies shall still know life in death for all that decays is not forgotten and reanimated it shall walk the world in the bliss of not-knowing.
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Anya
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Re: Being more gentle?
Hey fishfish!
I'm glad Heather's response was helpful for you! Communication when you're unsure of something is generally the way to go. It can be hard to OVER communicate about boundaries, likes and dislikes, etc, when there is any level of uncertainty present. I will say too, after having thorough conversations with a partner about these things first, engaging with them sexually afterward can feel much more freeing and trusting, knowing that you generally know each other's limits. Not knowing those things and trying to avoid the unknown can be suuuper tricky and stressful!
A quick note though: likes, dislikes, and what feels good/bad is always subject to change, just as consent is. Someone may say that enjoy something one day, and then the next not feel up to it or interested, and that's okay! In the same way, people have the right to not want something to begin with and then realize that do want to try later!
So right now, I think you're totally on the right track with communicating at more length before anything else. But it's still good to remember that all of this stuff may be subject to change over time, because we as humans change!
We're glad we could support you in this! Do you have any other questions or things you're wondering about at this time?
I'm glad Heather's response was helpful for you! Communication when you're unsure of something is generally the way to go. It can be hard to OVER communicate about boundaries, likes and dislikes, etc, when there is any level of uncertainty present. I will say too, after having thorough conversations with a partner about these things first, engaging with them sexually afterward can feel much more freeing and trusting, knowing that you generally know each other's limits. Not knowing those things and trying to avoid the unknown can be suuuper tricky and stressful!
A quick note though: likes, dislikes, and what feels good/bad is always subject to change, just as consent is. Someone may say that enjoy something one day, and then the next not feel up to it or interested, and that's okay! In the same way, people have the right to not want something to begin with and then realize that do want to try later!
So right now, I think you're totally on the right track with communicating at more length before anything else. But it's still good to remember that all of this stuff may be subject to change over time, because we as humans change!
We're glad we could support you in this! Do you have any other questions or things you're wondering about at this time?
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Heather
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Re: Being more gentle?
I don't have more to add than Anya did save to say that the advice I gave you assuming you were talking about your anus also goes for your vagina! If what you are doing hurts, chances are good it's because you're hurting yourself. So, for safety with vaginal play, that'll mean not inserting anything, or taking anything any deeper, unless you do NOT feel pain (so probably after you have already been turned on for a while), using lube generously, using safe items and stopping or changing things up if and when they do hurt. <3
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
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fishfish
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Re: Being more gentle?
Yeah uhhhh it always hurts if i put more than 1 finger in, and sometimes even that hurts a little too?? Uhhhhh... Um... what ?!? (ToT)
That which dies shall still know life in death for all that decays is not forgotten and reanimated it shall walk the world in the bliss of not-knowing.
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lilikoi
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Re: Being more gentle?
Hi fishfish,
Inserting something inside your vagina does not need to hurt. I remember how surprised I was when I found that out as well!
Here is an article that covers a TON about painful vaginal entry: From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse
Pain felt at insertion could be a number of factors. Commonly, pain is caused by the friction between your body and whatever is being inserted. If that's the issue, lube will help. If it's a muscular thing, lube will help as well but pain related to your pelvic floor muscles could have other implications for your health. Are you lubricated at insertion (either from natural arousal or from synthetic lube) and it still hurts? Sometimes you need more than you think! Take a look at the article and let us know if that gives you any ahas!
If you are feeling pain even after generously lubricating yourself, it might be a good idea to get checked out by an OBGYN. Do you have a doctor you could bring this up with?
Inserting something inside your vagina does not need to hurt. I remember how surprised I was when I found that out as well!
Here is an article that covers a TON about painful vaginal entry: From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse
Pain felt at insertion could be a number of factors. Commonly, pain is caused by the friction between your body and whatever is being inserted. If that's the issue, lube will help. If it's a muscular thing, lube will help as well but pain related to your pelvic floor muscles could have other implications for your health. Are you lubricated at insertion (either from natural arousal or from synthetic lube) and it still hurts? Sometimes you need more than you think! Take a look at the article and let us know if that gives you any ahas!
If you are feeling pain even after generously lubricating yourself, it might be a good idea to get checked out by an OBGYN. Do you have a doctor you could bring this up with?