Feeling inhibited by sex, sexual topics and anatomy

[LostAtSea]

I’ve recently begun my journey into discovering my sexuality. I’ve been talking with my psychologist about it because it’s all very new to me. The problem is that I came from a very non sexual background with very little discussion. There are things I need to talk about with my psychologist to help me on my journey but I can’t bring myself to actually verbalise them. It probably sounds ridiculous that someone my age can’t talk about sex or their body, but I don’t know how to tackle this. It’s so bad that I’ve not sought out medical help for something that really bothered me for years and that has such an easy solution. I can’t talk to anyone about this and can’t practice with anyone or on a computer without either feeling like I’m going to die of embarrassment and shame or without crossing safety boundaries. I really need help please.

[Sofi]

Hi there. First off, it doesn't sound ridiculous that someone any age struggles to talk about sex or about their body, it's actually quite common. Can I start off by asking, if you don't mind sharing, what's the issue needing medical help? I just want to make sure it's not urgent or if we can help you in any way, would love to do that.

Also, I'm wondering, when did you start feeling this way, or have you always? You mention you come from a background where there wasn't really much discussion about sex, but were there negative things said about it, such as how it's a sin or bad?

[LostAtSea]

Hi Sofi,

Thanks for responding. The medical issue was very painful and irregular periods. It took me about 10 years before I saw my doctor about it and it was so uncomfortable and difficult for me to raise this with her. Even with the doctor that I have been with for years now, I still get so uncomfortable and anxious about it.
I have always had this problem. I never had any curiosity as a child about where babies come from, I hadn’t even heard of puberty until we started learning about it at school when I was 10. There wasn’t any discussion at home about sex or anything. I guess the subject was only ever really broached if something was shown in a television show where my parents would make judgements about how quickly the characters “jumped into bed” or that “men were only after one thing “, that was about all. My parents weren’t particularly affectionate towards each other, we never even saw them hold hands.

[Sofi]

Ah, I see. I deal with the same, so I know how uncomfortable that is, unfortunately. Was talking to your doctor about it helpful? Hopefully the issue is more manageable now. <3

And I hear you, that makes sense. Even if we don't receive negative messages about sex at home, we usually do elsewhere (school, media such as TV/movies/the internet, etc). It sounds like you did hear some judgmental statements around sex at home, too. It's common to feel uncomfortable talking about sex since it's seen as such a taboo and shameful topic in society. Believe it or not, I felt the same way for a long time, and now I'm a sex educator! It helps to practice, so even you discussing this here is a great first step. How do you feel during this conversation?

I'd also suggest you read around our site - both the articles and the message boards. You can search for specific topics or just browse and read whatever calls to you. This will help you feel more comfortable with these topics the more you read about them and see other people discussing them without that shame and judgment behind it. How does that sound as a first step?

[LostAtSea]

Yes, it was helpful to talk to my doctor. She put me on the pill which helped, but I had to come off it recently because I was starting IVF. Sadly that caused the pain to ramp up again. The IVF is one of the reasons I want to get better at talking because I don’t want my kids to be afraid or uncomfortable talking about their bodies or sex.

Having this conversation is a bit uncomfortable still. I find that writing is easier than talking about it, especially with the added benefit of anonymity here. I have been doing some reading on this site. I have been amazed both at how much I don’t know and how open and comfortable others seem to be. I have felt a lot of shame while reading. Firstly because it feels like I’m doing something dirty or wrong, and secondly because some of the information I have read has caused physical reactions in me. It’s funny, it’s ok for everyone else to feel, think and talk about sexual things but it doesn’t feel ok for me to do it.

[Heather]

Hi there, LostAtSea.

I want to make sure that you know that the range of feelings you're having are common things people feel when they read or learn about sex and sexuality, and all of the ways that you feel are okay. It's okay -- even if that's not what you were raised to believe, or what feels right just yet -- to have physical or sexual reactions, and it's also okay to feel shame or like you're doing something wrong. You're not doing something wrong or shameful, of course, nothing makes this information any different than any other, really, but sometimes those feelings need to come out and be named, like you're doing, to start to have less power and to ease their way out of your system. Even just naming the range of the ways you feel so far is potentially powerful stuff.

I also want to tell you that I always admire people like you who are working to change how you think and are able to talk about sex to do better for any kids in your life than was done for you. It's a sort of breaking the cycle that you're doing here! Good on you. <3